Just for a moment, close your eyes and picture the dining room in your home.

What kind of table do you have? What wood is it made from? How many chairs will fit around it (comfortably)?

Visualize that table set for a dinner party. Choose the Placemats. Dishes. Silverware. Napkins. What kind of decor did you go with? Is it casual? Or formal? Was there a theme?

Now imagine your guests arrive, one or two at a time. You open your door and welcome them in.

They each take their seat at the table and you begin to serve the meal.

Over the next two to three hours, you get the chance to spend quality time with all your guests.

What kinds of conversations do you have? Are they deep and meaningful? Are you sharing stories?

Now let’s imagine a dining hall.

The room is vast and the ceilings are tall. There are rows and rows of tables and chairs.

Go ahead and decorate them. You’ve got loads of help, of course. Lots of  staff to carry out your orders. What kind of room do you create?

Is it fancy-shmancy? Or more like a winter lodge? What kind of food will you have? Entertainment?

And how many quality conversations will you be able to have with your guests? How many stories will you have time to listen to?

My preference is for the smaller party — the one I host in my dining room.

It’s not necessarily superior to a dining hall. It’s just a better fit for me.

See, I crave deeper, more meaningful relationships and quality time with my guests. With my clients, too.

This idea to focus on filling a smaller space first is something that Tara Gentile calls “The Livingroom Strategy,” a valid option to the “Stadium Strategy” business model.

Whatever we decide to call this concept (it certainly isn’t new), we don’t give it nearly enough attention.

In fact, I tried to Google “Why you don’t need a big list to grow your business,” and got nothing but results on…(wait for it)…How to grow a big honkin’ list.

And here’s why: the folks who glorify MORE (e.g., your traditional Internet Marketers), are spending scads of precious time and money to convince you that bigger is better.

They have no compunction about seeing you as simply part of their larger cash machine.

They’re huge promoters of the idea that you must must must think BIG. Especially if you ever hope to create a “6 or 7-figure” income.

You hear things like, Grow a ginormous mailing list. Attract thousands of Facebook fans. And, “crush it” with a landslide of daily traffic to your website. (Sound familiar?)

Truth: You don’t need that many clients to make a really good living.

Even if you decide to leverage yourself by creating a fabulous 1-to-many program, you probably only need about three, maybe four dozen clients in a given year.

It depends, of course, on the kind of projects you do, but if you crunch the numbers, I’m pretty sure you’ll agree.

So why do you still beat yourself up over the size of your mailing list?

Why are you buying programs that teach you how to fill a stadium or dining hall when you really only need to fill a dining room? At least right now?

This kind of thing *might* work for some people, but is it really how you want to build your business?

The Mindful Way to Grow Your Business

Ask yourself the following questions to see if your marketing and business ideas are aligned with who you want to be and what you want to create in the world.

Do You Believe in an Abundant Universe?

At the heart of the world’s short-term focus is a fundamental belief that there’s Not Enough.

Not enough jobs. Not enough money. Not enough time.

Not enough connections to the right people.

Not enough knowledge or experience or options.

There’s a pervasive feeling that there’s an answer somewhere OUT THERE (instead of IN HERE), and that’s really why we keep downloading all those free PDFs.

The next time you get the urge to take one of those programs or download a free PDF, make sure you ask yourself if that urge springs from a valid place inside you.

If it doesn’t, you’ve got full permission to walk away.

Have You Put the Cart Before the Horse?

Before you can fill a dining hall, you need to practice filling a dining room.
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It’s also important to take the time to figure out your core platform or branding message before you invest hundreds or thousands of dollars on tools or marketing materials.

Understand that finding your voice takes time. It’s like making soup — sometimes you just need to let things simmer for a while in order to figure out what you’re really all about.

Know — really know — that blueprints, roadmaps and recipes can only get you so far. To find true, long-term success, you’ll have to experiment and play with the ingredients in your business kitchen.

Be okay being an apprentice for a time. Be okay with learning the ropes and not needing to be ‘discovered’ and famous tomorrow.

Put some basic systems in place so that when more people arrive at your door (and they will), you’ll be prepared to greet them.

Don’t rush to write your book, start your podcast or create your products. Slow down a bit so you can focus on crafting what you do to make it even better (so that it really helps people).

Have You Created Meaningful Relationships With Your Existing Connections?

It takes a while to build trust with people we’ve just met. And to discover who they really are.

Spend some focused energy ensuring your existing connections are solid before you attempt to pile on more. You might find you’re already friends with exactly the right number and kinds of folks.

Are You Working With the Right Clients? And Are You the Right Person for Them?

Instead of pressuring people to buy right now, encourage them to sleep on it and sit with it to make sure it’s really a fit for them.

It’s crucial to acknowledge and honor each potential client’s unique right timing to work with us (or not).

It means we slow down our conversations with potential clients and really listen. Instead of pushing, we lean back. Instead of starting to give advice, we get more curious about their situation. Instead of skipping over a challenge, we go deeply into exploring it.

Take time to figure out what kinds of clients are actually a perfect fit for you, too.

Remember that, in terms of relationships with clients, forever matters more than today.

Are You Enjoying the Process?

It’s not enough to just accept that you sometimes need to slow down. You also want to enjoy it. To relish the present moment.

And make sure that you inject some fun into each and every day. If it’s not fun, we might as well get jobs, right?

Speaking of Jobs…

It might be okay (even wonderful!) for you to have a day job while you build up your business. Even a part-time gig to relieve the money pressures will go a long way toward making the process more enjoyable.

Hustling is not a sustainable space to be in. That doesn’t mean you don’t ever do it. It just means you need to have time and space to relax and listen to your heart.

This is what I like to call Slow Marketing.

And it’s high time we gave this path some serious consideration.

This post is part of the October Word Carnival. Our theme this month is “Jekylls and Hydes: Two-sides of a Coin.” You can read all the other fabulous opinions here.

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My own business coach is the fabulous Andrea J. Lee of Wealthy Thought Leader.

When I told her about this “Blooming” project, her enthusiastic response made me think I might persuade her to join in the fun.

And I wasn’t wrong. She generously sat down with me (by phone) to talk about how we can do the most important work of relationship blooming: listening.

Here’s a bit of that conversation:

In summary…

Show people they matter by listening to them and paying attention to who they are — beyond the confines of their business. And when you get the chance, let them know you noticed by writing real notes or emails that mention those things. Do they have a child going off to college? A pet that just passed away? Are they creating a new garden? Say something to them about that in your next interaction. It makes ALL the difference.

Andrea’s challenge to you: 

Show one or two of your favorite online connections that you’ve been listening to them by sharing a personalized note, message or email with them.

How do you feel and what happens as you do this? Any responses? Was it easy for you to do? Hard? No right or wrong answers here — we’re all just experimenting! Come visit us on Facebook and share.

Image credit: Leyton Parker

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As a psychologist, I can tell you that building a relationship requires trust.

And the only way we can build trust is by showing up when we say we will on a consistent basis.

Why is consistency so important?

Think of an infant who relies on her mother for sustenance, warmth and nurturing.

What happens to that baby if the mother doesn’t consistently feed her? What happens if no one picks her up and snuggles throughout the day? We learn from our first days of life to trust people who are consistent. And that core psychological trait carries through our entire lives.

What does this have to do with building a community?

Everything.

You are building a relationship and people have to learn to trust you.

The best way to build trust is to show up when you say you will over and over again.

This doesn’t mean you need to post or email daily, or even weekly.

What it does mean is that if you promise a monthly newsletter, you send a monthly newsletter.

Or if you promise engagement on a Facebook page, you engage regularly on that page.

You don’t have to have spectacular insights or spend all your waking hours catering to your community.

What matters is that you keep promises and show up regularly.

If your connection with your community is sporadic, you can get things on a more consistent track starting right now.

Here’s how:

1. Commit to showing up consistently. Set your intentions so you can achieve the goal.
2. Decide on the frequency with which you want to show up. For some folks that’s daily, for others it’s weekly. I do suggest it never be less than monthly.
3. Determine how and where you want to show up to your community. Is it Facebook, email, Instagram? No need to spread yourself too thin. Pick one place that feels good to you.
4. Set a schedule for showing up and write it down in your planner/calendar system. Saying you’ll send a weekly newsletter, doesn’t mean you will actually send it. If you carve out time to thoughtfully connect with your community on a consistent basis good things will happen.

Blooming a community takes thought, time and caring. Build a community of folks you want to serve and being with them on a consistent basis will feel less like “work” and more like building fulfilling relationships.

Best wishes on growing your special community!

Today’s Challenge: 

Decide on a schedule for all  your online activity and put it on your calendar.

Once you’ve taken action, come visit us on Facebook and tell us what you did and how you felt about it. Was it easy for you to commit to something? Hard? No right or wrong answers here — we’re all just experimenting!

Image credit: Leyton Parker

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There’s a huge difference between having a big list and having a good list.

To build a community, to have engaged participants is far more valuable for you and your business than merely getting to big numbers (whatever big means to you.)

I’ve been a business coach for over ten years and every single time I do a talk, workshop, webinar or promotion, I collect email addresses and include these opted-in names in my monthly newsletter list.  I also have an “offer” on the front page of my website that lets folks opt-in.  A list is hugely important to me and the success of my business.

I was so pleased to hear about Tea’s Bloom Your Audience challenge because she totally gets this concept of connecting authentically with your community, not just list-building to get big numbers.

The advice I am sharing is to ASK FOR ADVICE.

I figured this one out by doing it myself.  My daughter was about to graduate from high school and I reached out to all of the significant adults who had touched my daughter’s life, from her grandparents (and even great-grandmother) to aunts, uncles, adult friends and her grown-up cousins and I asked them all the same question:  What advice do you wish someone had given you when you were graduating from high school?  The responses were thoughtful and some were quite extensive.  One of my aunts even took it on herself to reach out to her own network and gather more voices and advice.

I was delighted to assemble them all into a photo book which we presented to my daughter at her graduation dinner.

Our family and friends had loved participating in this project and many of them asked if they could borrow the idea themselves.  I was delighted with the outcome and my daughter was completely surprised and broke into tears when she received it.

All of this was going on in my personal life.  My work world is usually quite separate:  I’m a “strictly-business” business coach.   In June of this year, I went out on a limb and shared this project along with some of the wonderful advice in the emailed newsletter.

I gave the newsletter the subject line “What Advice Would You Give?” and that month’s open rate, forwards and thoughtful email responses were amazing.  People took the question to heart and thought about the advice that they wish someone had given them.

This asking for advice angle can work on a whole bunch of levels as you look to bloom your audience.  Use it in social media:  LinkedIn, Facebook or Twitter.  One of my favorite maxims for my coaching clients is that there’s no prize for accomplishing business goals on your own.  Superman is a myth.  Everyone needs help and support sometime.

If you have a real business problem, being honest and asking for help makes you a real person.  No one has all the answers and admitting you can use their insight makes you human.  It also gives them a glimpse into you as a person…especially if the advice is not just business-related, like my question.  My graduate school recently used this approach—what advice would you give new students to our school?  And as a recipient, it did make me pause and think about it.

Some final tips:  If possible, thank everyone who responds with a personal email and consider publishing advice/responses in a subsequent newsletter or blog post (at least if the tips are good!)

As you shape questions to put out there, keep in mind your Ideal Client profile—who do you want to reach?  Ask for advice that will interest and engage them!

Today’s Challenge: 

Ask Your Connections for Advice on Something. Bonus points for asking a question that’s also relevant to your Ideal Clients.

Once you’ve taken action, come visit us on Facebook and tell us what you did and how you felt about it. Was it easy for you to find someone to do something nice for? Hard? No right or wrong answers here — we’re all just experimenting!

Illustration credit: Leyton Parker

Photo credit: Deborah Gallant

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If you’ve been online for any length of time, you’re familiar with phrases like “6-figure Blueprint” or “High-traffic Formula.”

Maybe you’ve used one of those jargon phrases in your own marketing?

It would be hard not to. People devour that kind of thing.

It’s almost like “blueprint” equals “magic bullet” in our collective subconscious.

And the worst part is that when we, as marketers, rely on jargon like this, we do nothing to foster new ideas or new value for the economy. We just perpetuate copy-cat methods of doing business.

In fact, using these kinds of words breeds the idea that we can make money (and loads of it) by doing exactly what others have done, exactly how they’ve done it.

Like there’s a GPS system that will give you turn-by-turn instructions for running a business.

You and I both know that this kind of thinking — and way of marketing — is a hot load of crap.

Look, I totally get why and how we got here in the first place. (And it’s not because we’ve forgotten how to find thesaurus.com.)

Just over a year ago, I moved to Portland with nothing more than what fit in my car.

No housing. No furniture. Just me and a few necessities.

I spent my first nine days here looking at Craigslist ads and putting hundreds of miles on my car inspecting apartments.

And while I had less than zero clues about where all those addresses were or how to find them, I did have someone with me who did.

Yes, I mean Siri.

Without her (and my unlimited data plan), I would’ve been an emotional wreck more times than I’d like to admit. (Have you been to Portland? I swear the city fathers were drunk when they laid out the city!)

Eventually tho, I made myself turn her off so I could learn how to find my way around without the help of three satellites and a cell phone.

Which isn’t to say I don’t still use it from time to time. (I totally do.)

If you’re like me, you LOVE the fact that we have this thing we can carry around that will keep us (mostly) from ever getting lost again.

It’s so NICE to have someone tell us which way to turn, right?

No pressure to figure things out while driving in the rain. Or while the kids are screaming bloody murder in the back of the car.

Sweet Baby Lettuce, who needs that kind of stress?

But eventually, if we’re smart, we turn off the GPS and find our way around. On our own.

Thinking for ourselves — figuring things out — isn’t just good for our brains. It’s required for innovation and real change.

Here’s the thing: social media and doing business online is new terrain for a LOT of folks. Heck, just owning your own business is new terrain for everyone, at first.

So I can understand the keen desire for a quick easy answer to “How do I do this stuff?”

But there’s a LOT of business and marketing folks who prey on that emotional stress.

They know we’re in a hurry to get where we want to go.

They understand we crave a simple “roadmap” or “blueprint” to six figures.

In fact, they bank on it. To the tune of hundreds of millions of dollars each year.

It’s the marketing shortcut that way too many coaches and consultants take.

But that doesn’t make it right.  

We need to remember that their road maps, blueprints and recipes probably won’t work for us.

Because? You’re YOU, I’m ME, and they’re THEM.

Our abilities, resources and talents aren’t the same. Our ideal clients aren’t the same.

AND? Things change so quickly in the digital world that their road maps probably won’t work for them again the same way, either.

It’s Time We Teach Each Other How to Think Critically

Will you join me?

Let’s help our clients develop critical thinking skills. Our world needs us to nurture their creativity, not their dexterity with filling out forms.

And for the love of all that’s holy, can we stop promising them an easy six-step path to a six-figure lifestyle?

Can we — instead — teach them how to create something new and different? Something all their own?

How to improvise! How to deviate from the recipes. How to tell an engaging story.

I don’t want to live in world where everyone turns off their brain and follows the next guy. Do you?

Let’s stop using words that preserve the status quo

We’ve got to begin somewhere, so let’s take the first step with our words.

Let’s take some responsibility for our part in all this and help our clients see that their creativity, imagination and originality are more important than their ability to passively follow directions.

The way we use language both affects and reflects our view of the world. Words are powerful things.

Let’s quit promising them easy answers and fill-in-the-blank templates for their businesses. Yes, these can be helpful for teaching some of the more mundane tasks. But they shouldn’t be the headline on a sales page.

Let’s move away from overused and worn out jargon like “blueprint,” “roadmap” and “formula.” Yes, we need these kinds of things on occasion when precision counts — like baking or building a skyscraper — but these won’t work when you can’t control all the variables (like the kind that exist in a real, live business).

We’re marketers, dammit! We should be able to find more interesting ways to talk about how we help our customers.

It’s a vicious circle but I believe we can stop it — if enough of us make the commitment to do so.

If you’re a coach or consultant who happens to use one of these words in your products right now, ask yourself:

• Can I find a different way to describe what I’m selling?
• Am I helping my client create something that’s all their own? Customized? If so, can I add that word (or some variation of it) to the name of my product or service?
• Am I explaining (in big, bold letters) my philosophy on templates, formulas and blueprints?

And if you’re s a small business owner, are you willing to stop looking for easy answers and four-hour work weeks? Can you pledge to think critically about any and all classes you sign up for? Or coaches you hire?

Who’s with me on this? Are you ready to create a business that means something?

It might take a bit longer, but great soup can’t be rushed.

Let’s nurture creativity, storytelling and curiosity. Our collective ability to innovate depends on it!

p.s. –  This post is part of the September Word Carnival. If you’d like more brilliant advice on jargon to watch out for, you can read the goods here.

Image Credit: Leyton Parker

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One of the things the experts tell us to do is get professional photos taken for marketing purposes.

And yes, I agree you need those. (I’m one of those people who will tell you get them.)

But that doesn’t mean you should only show the world the perfect version of you. Or that you should avoid using pictures of yourself altogether (how many people do you know who use something other than their actual photo?).

When we’re connecting with people in person, they get to see us in all our real-life glory.

What you may not realize is that you’re absolutely gorgeous in your imperfection.

Some folks don’t shy away from using real-life pictures — even if they’re not perfect — but if you’re one of those who uses a cute kitten as your avatar (or even the glamour photo you took 10 years ago), it’s time to practice sharing just a teensy bit more of YOU. It’s time for you to switch things up and show us what you look like today.

It might seem strange, but when we’re trying to build our know, like, trust factor online, it’s important to let people see what you really look like. Even if it’s just once in a great while.

That means being brave enough to snap a selfie (or have someone take your picture) without fixing your hair or face first. Without worrying about your double chin, or that blemish on your forehead.

When you share real-life photos, you’re also telling a story.

It might be something funny that happened to you. Or maybe something that gives us a glimpse of your non-professional life.

It could even be something most people don’t know about you yet (like your karaoke habit or your strange collection of nesting dolls).

Whatever it is, you get major bonus points if you’re making eye contact with the camera — as that translates to you making eye contact with those who see your photo.

Remember: eye contact (at least in the Western world) is crucial to how we feel about people. If you want to grow your know-like-trust factor with people, you need to look them in the eye more often.

Here’s one I recently snapped (and shared) as part of a series I’m calling “emoti-selfies”:

As you can see, this is definitely not my most flattering view. (Much MUCH different from the polished and professional version you see on my About Page.)

It tells a story in that it conveys a clear sense of worry, or “oh crap.”

I’ve been using my emoti-selfies in places where I’d normally use an emoticon. You know, instead of :0, I’ll use this photo.

If you normally find yourself throwing out or deleting photos of yourself that are less than perfect, this is going to feel kinda hard.

I get that. It was hard for me at first, too.

And I’m not nearly as shy as a lot of people I know.

But You? You can totally do this.

My challenge to you: 

Share a REAL-Life picture of yourself with us today. Just take a picture wherever you are. Even if you’re at your desk. Let us get a glimpse of the real you.

Extra Credit: Include this image in your next blog post, email, and yes — especially out in the wilds of social media!

How do you feel and what happens as you do this? Any responses? Was it easy for you to do? Hard? No right or wrong answers here — we’re all just experimenting! Come visit us on Facebook  and share.

Image credit: Leyton Parker

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The World is Hungry for More Kindness

Just before the BYOR project was ready to launch, Robin Williams died of suicide.

It touched so many of us, for so many reasons.

I processed my feelings about his death by writing this email to the folks on my list.

Words fail to describe what the responses meant to me. They were heartfelt messages and personal stories. And they left me sobbing at my desk. (In a good way.)

One of those replies was the inspiration for today’s challenge.

I was able to get permission from the woman who wrote it (Lisa Evans) to share with you here:

Precious is the right word. A good day is one to be celebrated and cherished.

A hard day is one to be shared, too, but more in an offering of strength, a hand to hold, or even to put yourself out there as a whipping post, if that’s what needed to get through the day. I know you know what I mean.

But that’s what we do for the people we love, isn’t it?

We know they love us back. Sometimes, they can’t say it, sometimes it’s even hard to believe, but it’s there just the same.

And we keep going. We have to.

As a person, and as a community, too.

My family lives 3 miles from where Sandy Hook Elementary once stood. We have tons of friends in Newtown, which is also where our favorite movie house, ice cream stand, and diner all live. My boys have friends who went to SHE, now temporarily moved to Monroe, and we see them as much as we possibly can.

The terror of that day has receded — to a degree — the pervading loss is still present, sometimes achingly so. Yet we go on.

We go to the ice cream stand. We go to baseball games, the school concerts, we say hi to friends in the local grocery store. We go on, as a group, but as you say, the loss remains. That stays with us in a million ways.

I know MANY people, myself included, who were forever changed that day. We were changed, in many ways, for the better.

You know what you don’t hear about in the news? Random acts of kindness. ALL THE TIME.

Right after the tragedy, families asked for people to perform random acts of kindness — just do something nice for for someone you don’t know with no idea of recognition or recompense. You know what? It hasn’t stopped. Not around here, anyway.

Nearly every day I hear about something great that happened to a friend, a colleague, the family of a friend. It can be someone buying coffee or lunch for all the cars behind them at the drive through window, picking up the tab for the family with the crying baby at a restaurant, or dropping off a big bag of groceries for a family that’s in difficulty.

I really hope these kinds of things are continuing to happen in the wider world because around here in CT, it’s become the norm, and that’s a VERY good thing.

Reaching out and touching someone, whether it’s via a movie screen or a phone call or a random act – it all works and it all helps.

Hang on. Hold on. Hug on.

– Lisa Evans, Bethel CT

Lisa’s email inspired today’s tip: Do something kind for someone.

I know you’re a person who already does lots and lots of kind things for people. But today, do just a little bit extra. And if you like what happens, try to start each day with MONKEY time (More ONline Kindness Everywhere). It’s a monkey on your back you might actually enjoy!

Here are a few ideas to get you thinking:

• Send a small gift digitally: Tweet someone a coffee, send an iTunes or Amazon gift card, there are lots of gifts for $5
• If you know someone’s hurting financially, you could send them a gift card for an entire meal (grocery stores have these on their website)
• Send someone an ecard (got a favorite service? share with us in the comments)
• Give a client an extra 10 minutes of your time
• Drop an old customer an email, just to see how they are
• Thank a vendor or contractor for their hard work via social media — let everyone else see how much you love them
• Compliment a fellow solopreneur — either publicly or privately
• Forward an email coupon
• Leave a rich comment on someone’s blog post
• Share a music playlist with a friend (you can build playlists with Spotify or even create a favorites list in Youtube)
• Make a donation to someone’s cause or Kickstarter campaign
• Send someone a bouquet of digital flowers by posting a beautiful picture to their Facebook wall or via private message
• Send someone a digital book that you know they’d enjoy (Kindle books make great gifts!)
• Send someone a link to an article that you think they’d enjoy
• Open your friends list, close your eyes and pick someone at random – post something nice on their Facebook wall
• Donate some of your time to helping a cause
• Write a note to the boss of someone who’s helped you and made things wonderful
• Buy something for a stranger from their Amazon wishlist
• Promote your client’s awesome work online
• Record a thank you video and send it off to someone via email

Need more ideas? Check out this list and this one.

Today’s Challenge: 

Pick One Person You’re Connected to Online and Do a Kindness for Them.

Once you’ve taken action, come visit us on Facebook and tell us what you did and how you felt about it. Was it easy for you to find someone to do something nice for? Hard? No right or wrong answers here — we’re all just experimenting!

Image credit: Leyton Parker

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We don’t always agree. We have some damn good fights in fact. But we always come away from them with a little more understanding and appreciation of each other. — Captain Sisko, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

Always burn your bridges behind you. You never know who might be trying to follow.
— Enabrin Tain, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

My secret to creating closer, more meaningful relationships: get people to hate you.

To be clear: I’m not talking about providing piss-poor service or screwing people out of their money. I’m talking about standing for something so big that some people are bound to say, “Hellz no” when it comes to working with you.

Let’s not wax philosophical about referrals, building a list, or trying to prove your business worth through likes, followers, or some other silly social metric. The whole premise of telling you how to get a referral is so… cliché. I mean, people are already out there telling you how to be a good person. I’d rather not do that. Anything practical enough to be useful would also be so generic that you’d be drowning in nonsense (“be generous” and “go the extra mile” anyone?)

Instead, let’s focus on the premise that people (who are also like you) will tend to do certain things certain ways. Mostly, because you and they believe certain things are true about the world. Would you say that’s accurate, if somewhat vague?

How does it feel when you encounter your polar opposite in terms of beliefs?

Someone who holds a worldview totally incompatible with your own? Are you energized? Ready to battle? Dismissive?

Cool. That’s awesome. What it means is that your convictions are both polarizing and powerful, with a lot of energy invested in maintaining them.

I’ve got a story that I think illustrates this concept nicely:

Rewind three weeks. There I was, sitting around a conference table with so-called social media experts. The client — a reluctant convert and self-proclaimed social media recluse — told us: “I don’t get social media. It seems like it’s really diluted the field of customers and it takes so much time, why would I ever want to do that?”

His question wasn’t really a question — and it’s a common refrain I’ve heard from older business owners and also young technophobes.

Here’s what he was saying: People like me have a Facebook page to keep up with our kids and grandkids. For everything else, we go to networking events or call or meet face to face after someone connects with us.

In short, there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING any of us could have said to convince him that spending time on social media would benefit him.

“Have you tried blogging? You know, a blog (blah blah blah)” said Expert #1. Swing and a miss.

“The more often you post on Facebook, the more likely it is you’ll be top of mind when they need your services. Everybody’s on Facebook,” said Expert #2. Nope.

“Look, I get it. I just… it all seems like a waste of time. I like YouTube,” he tossed in casually. What he meant was that he liked wasting time with silly viral videos.

“You could advertise on YouTube…” Expert #3 struck out.

About that time, I’d been rolling my eyes so hard they damn near popped out of my head. Asking a question I’m sure Tea would have been proud of, I chimed in: “What’s the story that you’re trying to tell? I mean, you’ve got your product listed in the phone book because you ‘have to.’ You’ve got a website because you ‘have to.’ You’ve got a professional association profile because you ‘have to.’ Why did you do all of that?”

He didn’t get what I was asking. “Look, you’ve put a lot of time into doing what you’re ‘supposed’ to do. So, why are you considering doing Facebook or Twitter or whatever else because you’re ‘supposed to’? And why are you doing the stuff you’re doing now? Aren’t you just wasting time complaining about the latest thing that wastes your time? And aren’t you doing stuff that makes you look, feel, and seem just like everybody else? Aren’t you, just by participating the way you are, diluting your own client base?”

I pushed on, “What if, instead, every once in a while you would remind people of what you do for a living by sharing something relevant to your job that isn’t a sales pitch? The rest of the time, you could be working on telling the community’s story instead, because that’s what they want to hear.”

We wrapped up the discussion. His decision? The social media hermit is still a hermit. Old habits die hard and convictions take a lot of energy to build and maintain. He’s convinced that social media is a waste of time. And he definitely wasn’t a good fit for any of us.

But let’s say this guy walks into the Chamber of Commerce instead of a Social Media Experts group. Say the CEO offers him weekly networking meetings, face-to-face coffee exchanges with hot leads, lead and list exchanges, and a nifty phone referral service, too.

“Wow,” he’s gonna think, “these people really get me,” right before he signs up for a lifetime membership.

If you want people to become your customers, you need to elicit a strong reaction from them first. If somebody hates you, it stands to reason that somebody else probably loves you. It’s not so much the hate but the silence that should worry you.

If identity and convictions are one part of the love/hate equation, the other part is principle. Principle, distinct from convictions (which are also boundaries), is the story you tell about why those boundaries exist.

Four years ago, when I started my business, I had a really simple premise: “Do No Evil Isn’t Good Enough. Always Do Good.” Here it is, in my first moleskine:

My guiding principle. One of ‘em, anyway. And it’s been painful as hell on occasion. (see “Related Reading #1“)

So why do I say, if you want good relationships, to get people to hate you? Because I don’t know of a better way to make people adore you than to stand for something through your principles.

About two and a half years ago, I was sitting in a conference room with some of my closest peers. I was debating changing the name of my business from WTF Marketing because I’d just lost my two biggest clients, been rejected from speaking at a conference I was absolutely perfect for, and my attempts at snagging new clients were met by derision: “That’s your business name? What does it stand for? Ew, I can’t do business with you, devil worshipper.”

I’d called the meeting just after one of the biggest restaurants in Fort Collins got all the way through my sales process to my contract. All we had to do was sign, they were ready to go – and that’s when the owner asked what my business name stood for. I told them. They opted to go with a different company because they didn’t like what WTF meant.

Think about that for a minute — they weren’t just objecting to WTF Marketing as a name. They were objecting to what they thought I stood for.

For the record, it took them another 2.5 years to settle on a new company, which I think speaks to the quality of our proposal and how much a pain in the ass this client would have been.

Anyway, back then I felt like I couldn’t pick up a client to save my life. I felt like my friends weren’t referring me even while I was doing some of my best work – things like CareerCamp and PodCamp and Ignite Fort Collins.

It was a dark time.

“How about Fugitive Marketing?” I asked my peers. “I like the sound of it. It matches my rebel-chic outcast kind of feel.”

“But you’re not an outcast,” said one of my friends. “ You’re warm and fluffy like a giant teddy bear. A teddy bear that knows how to present stuff to people in a way that makes them want to buy.”

The problem was: I knew what WTF meant. But I didn’t know what WTF Marketing stood for. And that’s why it was so damn easy for me to be ignored and slighted. That’s why it was so damn easy for the big restaurant owner to make a snap judgement of my business name. Their snap judgement: that I only cared about shock value and didn’t take my job seriously.

WTF Marketing needed a set of guiding principles and fast. But it wasn’t going to get them, not at that moment. I was confused, defensive, hurt, and going broke. Worse: nobody knew what the hell it was I did — or why. They didn’t know where my heart was.

I mean, I was doing website design. I was doing social media management. I was doing marketing strategy. I was organizing unconferences. I was doing Gen-Y consulting. I was writing about how Gen-Y could get jobs without hating on Baby Boomers. I had my hands in all sorts of pies. I was everywhere. But nobody – not even me – could tell you what I did and or more importantly, why I did what I did.

No wonder it was so hard to build up solid business relationships. How do you refer someone to a handyman who is also a clown, gardener, artist, and writer? How many of those passions can someone possibly sustain?

Long story short, what eventually came from this and the space between: a set of guiding principles that went beyond ‘do no evil.’

The piece I was missing: WTF Marketing stands for unabashed honesty, even when it offends. That’s why it’s called WTF Marketing. You want to pay money to a ‘yes man’? Fine. That’s not what you get with me.

What does that unabashed honesty translate into? Instant trust.

When I make a recommendation, a suggestion, attend an event, give you my attention? That’s big. I don’t put my name on just anything. I don’t engage in revisionist history. I own my mistakes and make them public when there’s a lesson.

99% of my business is driven by word-of-mouth recommendations. People trust me enough to refer me to someone, and if I like what they do, we form a relationship. Easily 3/4ths of my first clients still work with me in some capacity 5 years later.

Business owners talk a lot about avoiding negative press. The opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s apathy. Nobody talks about things they’re apathetic about. You want to grow your business? Stand for something that makes the wrong kinds of people hate you, so that the right kinds of people love you. Anything in-between is apathy. (For more on this topic: see “Related Reading #2“)

If it isn’t clear by now: apathy is fatal to forming meaningful relationships. Even more so for business relationships. Doesn’t matter if they love you or hate you — just don’t let em be neutral!

So (welcome TL;DR crowd!) your one specific, actionable tip is this: 

Get a 3×5 card and complete these three statements:

1. People that are like my customers believe this______________________
2. People who aren’t my customers believe this______________________
3. To get more in-line with my customers’ beliefs, I should______________________

Relentlessly pursue #3, acknowledge you don’t want ‘just any old customer’, and commit to loving the things you listed under #1 and possibly taking an active stand against the items in #2.

Note from Tea of Story Bistro: Once you’ve completed those statements, come visit us on Facebook and tell us what you came up with and what it means to you. Was it easy for you to complete those sentences? Hard? No right or wrong answers here — we’re all just experimenting!

Image credit: Leyton Parker

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Those of us with online-based businesses can easily get sucked into “constant-launch” mode.

There’s always a new program or offering to launch, and everything we do in launch mode is about building the list, building the list, building the list.

Get people to sign up for the preview call or webinar. Get those who signed up to actually come. Get the people who do come to the call to sign up for the program. And on and on in a repetitive cycle of list-building, launching and selling.

Even those of us with a ton of free content like e-books, blogs and newsletters (hel-LO — I have a blog with 1,435 published posts) typically require some sort of opt-in, and sometimes forget that it’s okay to give something for nothing. (And here’s a blog post I wrote about people who are just plain afraid to give stuff away for free because they fear their community will just take and take and never actually become paying customers.)

So I will, from time to time, offer a gift to my list or on social media, just to say “Thanks for being a part of my community.”

One year, I offered a “Buy Nothing Day” giveaway the day after Thanksgiving, an audio interview I had on hand that hadn’t been made available to the public. Another time it was a free e-book that I’d just finished. No upsell, no expectations.

Just recently, I decided to offer my e-book on my experiences with panic attacks as a free download with no opt-in required, after Robin Williams’ death got me thinking about how hard it is for some people to find the resources they need to deal with their mental illness.

Without a community, it’s awfully hard to transform people’s lives, and it’s awfully hard to have a business.

Today’s Challenge: 

Come up with a free treat for your community to show your appreciation and gratitude for their loyalty.

Once you’ve decided on your gift, come visit us on Facebook and tell us what it is and how you’ll share it. Was it easy for you to find something? Hard? No right or wrong answers here — we’re all just experimenting!

Image credit: Leyton Parker

If you enjoyed this, there's more fabulous content on Story Bistro.

One of the things the experts tell us to do when someone new subscribes to our email list is ask them to also follow us on Twitter, like us on Facebook, circle us on…well, you get the idea.

I don’t know about you, but when someone asks ME to do that, I’m like “What? It’s not enough that I just gave you my email?”

So awhile back I decided to flip this around and instead ask people to share links to THEIR social profiles so I could follow THEM.

The idea here is to let people know two things:

1. You think of them as real human beings and would like to get to know them better.

2. You’re interested in having actual, for real, two-way conversations with them.

Here’s what mine looks like:

On average, I’d say about 20% of people actually reply to these. And yes — I follow through with a reply back within 24 hours, also following them on social media when they share their links.

NOTE: There are also folks who say you should always follow-back everyone who connects with you on social media. Twitter advocates, for example, have long had a reputation for urging folks to follow back everyone that follows them. My advice: don’t do it. ONLY follow people on social media channels that you KNOW are quality connections. There are lots of people using this follow-back mentality to build up the number of people who follow them (e.g., it will look like they’re more important than they are — vanity, pure and simple). Unless you have a plan for getting to know each and every person you follow, those connections will end up as meaningless, weak ties.

My challenge to you: 

Follow Your Subscribers

First you’ll want to fix your standard “thank you” email to reflect your invitation to your new peeps.

Once you’ve got that done, take a few minutes to look at your favorite social media lists and find out who’s following you. Read their profiles and newsfeeds. Find something interesting about them. Then reach out and say hello. Thank them for following you and say something personal to let them know you took the time to find out more about them.

How do you feel and what happens as you do this? Any responses? Was it easy for you to do? Hard? No right or wrong answers here — we’re all just experimenting! Come visit us on Facebook and share.

Image credit: Leyton Parker

If you enjoyed this, there's more fabulous content on Story Bistro.