“We are Boston. We are America. We respond, we endure, we overcome, and we own the finish line!” — VP Joe Biden at yesterday’s memorial for the first anniversary of the Boston Marathon attack.
THINGS THAT HAPPENED FAR AWAY
UKRAINE
THE STORY
Ukraine has figured out a way to deal with pro-Russian militants that have been causing major chaos in eastern Ukraine.
BACK IT UP…
Protests in Ukraine’s eastern cities have been building. Ukraine and its friends say Russia is behind the unrest and is preparing to land grab, just like it did in Crimea. Thousands of Russian troops are still camped out on Ukraine’s border, just hanging.
WHAT NOW?
Ukraine told the separatists to cut it out by Monday or there would be consequences. The deadline passed and the separatists didn’t budge. Now Ukraine is rolling out an “anti-terrorist operation” to try to put an end to it all, and, after clashes, retook an airport. Russia said something about a civil war.
theSKIMM
Ukraine is trying to hold itself together. TBD.
NIGERIA
THE STORY
A day after a deadly bombing outside of Nigeria’s capital, more than 100 schoolgirls were kidnapped in the northeastern part of the country. The same group appears to be behind both incidents. So, yes, Nigeria has a problem.
WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Boko Haram, a network of Islamist militants that has killed more than 1,500 people this year alone. Its goal is to turn Nigeria into an Islamic state.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GIRLS?
The gunmen killed a soldier and a policeman guarding the school, and then kidnapped over 100 teenage girls. Some of them escaped. Schools in the area were recently closed because of attacks against students but they were back on site to take their final exams.
theSKIMM
These attacks are a sign that the government is losing ground to an Islamist uprising. And since next month’s World Economic Forum meeting in Nigeria is supposed to be a coming out party for the country’s economy, the timing couldn’t be worse.
REPEAT AFTER ME…
WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU GET A NEW CREDIT CARD…
I promise this time will be different. The EU has finally worked out a plan to restructure failing banks, and try to avoid the taxpayer bailouts of yesteryear. Hey Greece, how you doin’? The plan is to remove taxpayers from the first line of ‘help, we need money.’ Instead, it will use bank taxes to set up a communal emergency fund. The plan is considered to be the biggest change to the EU’s financial system since the euro launched. Chin Chin!
WHAT TO SAY WHEN AUTOCORRECT ACTS UP…
At least your typo is funny. Yesterday, President Obama reduced the sentence of a drug convict, because a typo had given him extra years on his prison sentence. Ceasar Cantu’s sentence was shortened from 15 years to 11.5 years, marking only the 10th time Obama has used his prez power to cut a federal inmate’s time behind bars. The inmate didn’t discover the error until years after sentencing. Grammar is the new black.
WHAT TO SAY IF YOUR TAXES LEFT YOU CONFUSED…
You’re not alone. Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld feels you. Other Republicans, namely the Republican National Committee, greeted Tax Day by suing the IRS. The RNC is still very upset about last year’s IRS scandal, when it was revealed that the agency eyed some groups for extra scrutiny while they applied for tax-exempt status (cough, think Tea Party). The committee requested docs last year on the agency’s review process but the IRS, after several extensions (irony alert), still hasn’t given up the goods.
WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE STUCK ON A BIRTHDAY GIFT…
Detroit is having good sales. The city has gone the eBay route and made it possible for anyone to buy an abandoned home in the city through an online auction. Some will start at as little as $1000. But purchasers will have to fix up the homes and get them occupied again, bringing some life back to Detroit. Speaking of rebuilding, Detroit has been trying to figure a way out of bankruptcy. The city reached a deal, which still needs to be approved and is tied to other funding coming through, with retired police officers and firefighters that would keep their pensions (but hurt their cost of living increases). The city has been trying to figure out how to restructure its debt and everyone’s been worried how that might affect the thousands of pensioners in the city, but yesterday marked a big breakthrough.
WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU SEE PICS OF COLLEGE SPRING FLINGS…
I hate everyone. And their brains. A new study suggests your cognitive skills start going south by age 24. If you’re 25 and over, and your eyes have gone south too, that means THHEE SPEEEED THAAAT YOUU PROOCCEESSSS SOMETHINGGGGG ANNND RESPOONDDD TTTO ITTTT SLOOWS DOWNNN TOOOO. On the flip side, the research says that as you get older, you make up for this deficit with crafty tricks and strategies.
WHAT PEOPLE ARE SADDENED BY…
A passenger ferry sank off the coast of South Korea, leaving at least two dead and 300 missing. The ferry was carrying over 450 people, including many high school kids. 164 people have been rescued, according to South Korea’s coast guard. The ferry sent a distress call as it started leaning to one side.
SKIMM BIRTHDAYS
Stevie Bankston (Covington, LA); Emma Miller (Los Angeles, CA); Sophie Kainen (Boston, MA)
