When Things Fall Apart
- Processing Loss

Dear <<First Name>>

Life and Death
The two old, simple problems ever intertwined,
Close home, elusive, present, baffled, grappled.
By each successive age insoluble, pass’d on,
To ours to-day - and we pass on the same
- Walt Whitman


One of the most extraordinary things about life is how quickly things can change.  A person can disappear from our lives  - through death, relationship breakdown, illness or change of alignment - in a moment.  All manner of creative and career endeavours that seemed to be working can suddenly irrevocably break down.  These lightning strike moments, pictured in the Tarot as the Tower, may well bring us to our knees.  In that vulnerable place, we become most receptive to change and transformation, to potential eureka moments.

This week has included shocks and reversals for me. Whilst of course there are potent feelings to process, I am aware that loss is a site of transformation.  There is something juicy in process which will yield wisdom as well as blood, sweat and tears.  It will grow me. 

It’s really important to acknowledge that there really is no right way to work through loss. So what I share here is not a ‘how to do loss’ but just some thoughts about what helps me at these times in the hope they might be of service.

1. Letting it be messy
Loss and endings need to be fully honoured and acknowledged with all their chaotic elements - anger, shame, guilt, fear, panic, regret, disappointment.  Most losses involve passing through difficult states of emotion and there really is no short cut. Many people stay in stagnant relationships or jobs to avoid having to deal with these uncomfortable feelings.  Our fear of the pain of loss is often greater than the pain itself, which once felt and processed does heal and transform.  Feelings pass so much more quickly when they are allowed to flow freely.  This however is not a license to vent, dump or indulge negative states, but to take full responsibility for what is being catalyzed within us - to own and befriend our grief consciously, to dance with the chaos that births clarity.

2. Cultivating huge amounts of empathy for self and others
Experiences of loss often involve challenges to our key relationships and can trigger deep feelings of abandonment, isolation and distrust of others. While life goes rushing on, those dealing with bereavement may feel disconnected and alone.  During times of relationship breakdown I have found myself unable to stop the tears that suddenly broke loose on a train or bus - the motion of the transport having partly catalyzed the flow of my e-motion.  I have also found myself reaching out across the lines of the strange invisibility game played on public transport in this city to check on people showing signs of distress.  When we develop self-empathy we can become more empathic to others. We can acknowledge that the partner who is leaving us hurts too.  We can ask that angry boss - ‘what’s really going on here? are you ok?’ instead of fighting back.  It takes enormous courage to summons up empathy towards those who may be actively attacking us, to feel their distress as well as our own and to move towards a better understanding of each other.  The mantra that I find most helpful here is the H’oponopono  - I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you.

3. Self-Reflection and Self-Care
Creative self-reflection is a process which is distinct from the normal rumblings of our busy mind with it’s to-do lists, judgements and opinions.  It requires getting connected to what I call the Creative Editor in our mind, the witnessing aspect within which enables us to observe and release our reactive thoughts and emotions and glean a deeper understanding of what learning tremendously challenging situations hold for us.   Loss can trigger echoes of previous trauma and loss - and as such can creatively catalyze the healing of old wounds and the rewriting of old stories.  We may use journaling, singing, meditation, dancing, chats with friends, therapy, time in nature or exercise to take care of ourselves and reflect creatively.

4. Saying yes to the wisdom of loss
A gardener with L Plates, I watch life and death constantly happening in my garden. Some flowers burst quickly and die within weeks, other plants grow slowly, steadily and blossom after years of growth, some strangle others in their voracious appetite to grow and others never emerge from their bulbs.  Very simply this teaches me that things come and things go. This embeds in me a sense of the naturalness and beauty of the cycles of life, death and rebirth.  It brings everything back to a level playing field because everyone, no matter what their status in life, is subject to these same cycles. It also brings a sense of trust that loss is naturally always followed by renewal.  In the deepest trough of the wave, when it feels like I’ve hit the bottom of the very bottom, there in that moment is the immediate and inevitable beginnings of the upwards surge of the new wave, wherever that may take me. 

5. Surrendering completely
Loss is a deep process of letting go.  We need to give ourselves permission to be ok with not understanding all of it, to let go of our analysis paralysis and acknowledge that we are not in control, that there is no manual for loss.   Loss involves encountering the unknown at a deep level - for what our life looks like without our partner, parent, friend, job, financial stability, home, child, youth, health - is not something we can know until we experience it.  It is ok not to know and it is ok to be frightened and it is ok to get mad and messy about it and it is ok to be devastated and it is also ok to recover and discover that we did not know what we did not know.  As such we cannot do loss, it does us and as we come undone, a whole new journey is begun.

With immense love to you this May