Counselor's Corner

LET THE FORCE BE WITH YOU, BUT NOT CONTROL YOU

We have just finished a 6 week course on Anger Management for Men, and it has been an honor to journey with the men who joined us for this course.   We believe in a biblical approach to anger so strongly that we have made a commitment to offer this course once a quarter, for men and for women.  See details later in this newsletter for the next course offering.  I have also really enjoyed having Doug Thrash and Andy Walden help to facilitate this group.  As life coaches who are part of Journey to Hope, this was a great opportunity for them to strengthen their skill set and help me to tackle a tough subject. The resources we used to design this course are listed in the What Susie is Reading section of the newsletter. Grab a copy of one of them for yourself and begin to deal with your issues with anger. The article for this month focuses on Week 5 in our course:

Watch for the storm –stopping your anger before it starts.

The first thing that we have do to is to dismantle a myth, and that is that about it being necessary to “Get it Out of Your System.” What is the problem with getting what is bothering you off your chest and out of your system? “Off your chest is usually interpreted to mean people should express their feelings directly and bluntly, even justifying verbal tirades.  The problem is that angry diatribes are not usually effective in managing anger.  People who rant and rave every time they get angry don’t seem to get any better at controlling their tempers.  Every time they get frustrated, disagreed with, interfered with, they get hot all over again. Is this you?  How about if we consider how you can express your feelings without hostile attacks on others that hurt them and your relationships. Step 1: Anticipate anger provoking situations and make plans to deal with them before they happen.  This cannot happen everytime, but many times it can.  Certain people tend to make you angry. Certain situations are almost guaranteed to make you angry. Certain emotions reliably lead to the secondary reaction of anger.  Escape hatches are for when you feel yourself losing control or escalating, and want to create some space to avoid an explosion. A way for you to remove yourself from a difficult situation.  You must plan your exit in advance. Examples are:  Please excuse me. I am way behind today and I have to get back to work or You know I am working on my issues with anger, and this situation has proven very effective in provoking anger in me.  I am going to step into the next room until I have a handle on myself. Saying to a wife or loved one “I have had such a string of frustrations today – I feel like everything that could go wrong has.  Since usually this sets me up for an angry reaction, I wanted to let you know that I don’t want to react this way, and would appreciate your help this evening.  Or, I have had hardly any sleep, and that usually makes me more reactive in anger – could we table any difficult conversations until I have had some sleep? Thanks. Who are the people who ‘make’ you angry? What are the situations that make you angry? What emotions lead to anger for you? Step 2:  Help to make your life a little less tense by developing the ability to laugh at yourself, even if you have to pretend at first.  You are human; that means you will make mistakes. Some of these mistakes will be funny. Other times, people will tease you and make you the subject of their jokes.  If you can act like all of it doesn’t bother you, two things will happen. First, those doing the teasing will stop sooner. Second, you will become more confident with yourself and other people. Your need to be perfect and flawless will diminish, and you will begin to relax a bit.  If you can laugh at your small mistakes, they can stay smaller.  They don’t become more of an issue than they need to be. Humor is a good way to defuse anger. Also, try to stop staring at your own belly button.  What I mean is that it is common for angry men to become egocentric. To be so focused on yourself, how you are treated, how things look to you – that you lose sight of the fact people are usually more concerned with themselves than with you.  Most folks are not out to get you, make you angry, cheat you, disrespect you or harm you. Fight the tendency to see the world only through the narrow view of how it relates to you. Step 3. You must learn to identify the emotions that come before anger for you. Is it powerlessness, helplessness, or frustration? When things do not go right. When you get a flat tire or bang your elbow…you get frustrated.  If you don’t have strategies to deal with this, it never quite goes away. Then when some other situation provokes you – you are likely to explode into anger.  Once you get here, you have probably lost the battle. Self-control is usually lost at the point of anger, and you lash out in response to any minor event that follows.  Step 4.  Realize that other’s disapproval of something you do or disagreement with something you think is not the same thing as disapproval of you as a person.  It does not mean you are inferior; you do not have to defend yourself every single time. Step 5.  Stop being so quick to point out when someone else has made a mistake, and be more willing to admit when you are wrong.  Do you have a problem complimenting, being tender, or saying when you are afraid? If you do, accept the challenge to do more of this, as they are all part of ‘speaking your mind’ in a way that builds, but do not destroy. Step 6. Stop cussing.  Profanity instantly intensifies any discussion or argument. As a believer and Christ follower, it takes pieces away from your ability to be respected and/or heard by other believers.  Profanity is not only an expression of anger, but actually can make you instantly angrier. Praying for a breakthrough in relationships or a new insight about you that is fresh, new, and healing for your anger.

Blessings,

Susie


 

Debt: Act Your Own Wage

By Doug Thrash

This month’s article covers debt and what it really costs you.  The “Act Your Own Wage” title came from Howard Dayton who is CEO of Crown Financial Ministries, an interdenominational ministry focused on teaching people to manage their resources from a Biblical perspective.

Debt is “money or property which one person is obligated to pay to another.” This includes money owed to credit card companies, bank loans, home mortgage, past due medical or utility bills, money borrowed  from friends/relatives, and car loans. Monthly bills as water and electric are not debt if they are paid on time.

What is the real cost of debt? If have a $5,500 credit card debt at 18% interest, you would pay about $600 a year in interest by just making the minimum payments of $138  and it would take 5 years and 2 months to pay that loan off.  

How can you get out of debt? Here are some steps that you need to do in the order listed to get out of debt.

1.Pray.
Remember that when “God owns it all” that means he also owns your debt. Read the story of the widow who was getting ready to lose her son to creditors in 2 Kings 4: 1-7.  This first step is the most important as you ask for God’s help in your journey toward the day you can yell, “I’m Debt Free”.  Over the years I have seen many individuals/couples that are serious about becoming debt free be blessed by God for their faithfulness and they get to their debt free goal sooner.
 
2.Establish an emergency fund.
You need $1,000 cash set aside ($500 for those earning less than $40,000 per year) just for emergencies. That is one reason credit cards are used….people don’t have any margin to deal with unexpected expenses. Don’t forget, this is just for emergencies. As Dave Ramsey says, the motor dying on your bass boat or that nice leather couch on sale is not an emergency.
 
3.Establish a written spending plan.
Note I said spending plan and NOT budget. People don’t like to think about budgets because they feel they are being restricted and their spending is limited. A spending plan tells your money where it is going to go before you get it. That way you have a plan that is yours and not the worlds. The current worldview is that there is nothing wrong with being up to your eyeballs in debt for things you want now.
 
4.List all your assets and your debts.
In your asset list, are there things you can/should do without or is there something that you can sell and use the proceeds to pay off debt?  The debt list should include everything you owe and include the total amount owed, the interest rate, and the payment amount.

5. Start paying off debt.
In Financial Peace University (FPU), we teach you to use a “Debt Snowball”.  You just make minimum payments on all debts and use any extra funds to start paying off the smallest debts first. As those are paid off, you “roll the payment amount” into the next debt and start the debt snowball.
 
6.Look for additional income opportunities.
Do you have opportunities to get additional overtime work and/or extra jobs to bring in more money? No one is asking you to become a workaholic but for a short timeframe any extra income you can get will help you pay off debts more quickly.
 
7.Don’t take on additional debt.
This should be understood but needs to be stated.  Start paying for items in cash instead of credit cards because spending cash hurts. You feel it as opposed to using a credit card (CC) where you just hand it over and feel the pain a month later when the bill comes in the mail. When McDonalds started taking credit cards, the average purchase by CC went up about 40% over previous cash payments.
 
8.Be content with what you have.
Don’t try to keep up with the Jones’ because just when you get there, they refinance or do something so they can buy more stuff. Do you really need that $150 cable package when you are carrying a ton of debt? In my introductory credit card example, if you doubled your payment to $275, you pay the $5,500 off in 24 months. Which do you want – (1) Pay $138 for 5+ years or (2) Pay $275 for 24 months.  For some of you, that extra $137 could come from pizza deliveries and/or your frequent Starbuck lattes.
 
9.Don’t give up.
You likely didn’t get into debt in just 1-2 years so you will not get out of debt in 1-2 years. It takes persistence and as Dave Ramsey puts it, “Gazelle Intensity”. The cheetah is chasing after you (the gazelle) for their dinner and you are running for your life. It will take at least six months to get a spending plan that reasonably works  because of unexpected expenses and the “oh by the way” things that come up like dental bills, broken washing machines, and that semi-annual insurance payment you forgot about. Remember #1 above, keep praying and remember that God owns your debt also.
 
JTH just completed our first FPU course and the graduates are on their way with a plan to become debt free. Everyone commented that FPU is not just about finances, but covers all areas of life to include insurance, retirement savings, marketing scams, mortgages, and getting the tools to develop a financial plan.
 
JTH’s next FPU class is starting August 7th from 6-7:30 p.m. so couples/individuals can complete in September and have a working plan prior to the holidays and be set up for financial success going into 2015. For those that are unable to attend regular classes, JTH is pleased to offer a private FPU course at times suitable to your schedule.
Please call the office to sign up today if you are interested in FPU.  We would love to have you be a part of a group or I can do the work with you individually. Just do it.  It can make all the difference in your finances.  Best, Doug

In Christ,

Doug



 

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