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I watch a weird amount of Food Network. Not a little, not a gross amount, just enough to make me feel bad about how I spend my time. I first started watching cooking shows when I was little. My dad would occasionally put on the quiet programming while trying to relax. The hushed tones sparked a rage of restlessness in me that led to a frantic clawing and prodding at the expense of my brother. His permanent scars are little memories of our time together. He loves me.
It’s not my fault. The blood is on your hands Julia Child.
Current day Food Network is a cocaine fueled spectacle. Fucking weirdos and outcastes don bacon socksand pig tattoos as they run around and leak sweat into food. The same food that eventually makes its way into the mouths of the engorged, equally weird judges. The respectability of this network has gone past being on thin ice, and is now has full blown hypothermia.
Take the network’s flagship competition show, Chopped, for instance. There is nothing, I mean nothing, on that show that you want to eat when completed. Though, for some reason, I still watch it.
Especially wonderful are the teen and child competitions. There is nothing like watching a child getting physically and emotionally punished for the sake of ratings. The other day, I found myself actually rooting against a human child for no good reason. Well actually there was a reason. He said this:
“My friends and I call ourselves The Humble Crew, and our motto is ‘if you’re different, stay humble’ accept who you are.”
Fuck you little boy, that makes no sense. I’m rooting for the kid who has leukemia and two moms now.
Equally as entertaining are the G-List celebrity competitions. Where Guy Fieri somehow gets Anthony Anderson, The fat one from Penn and Teller, Muhammad Ali’s daughter, and the one-time bassist for Black Sabbath to come completely fuck-up an apple crumble on camera.
Guy Fieri is capable of making amazing things happen, most of those things end up with greasy fingerprints on them.
I’m not ashamed of my love for Guy, and no it’s not ironic. For many he’s the classic food network personality, loud and abrasive without any actual substance. These people are correct. Some say he’s the walking example of a person who eats their anxiety. These people are also correct. What he has that other Food Network hosts don’t, is an actual love for food. All intellect and intuition is trashed in favor of a fucking big mac with extra cheese. Food is not a science. It’s definitely not an art. It’s just delicious.
Celebrity Chefs are definitely an interesting breed.
This conversation gets me thinking about the celebrities I would want to see on chopped. Like maybe rappers…
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