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You know that feeling when you’re a trend-setter, when you purchase a brand new pair of adidas tubulars and then pair them with some skinny jeans and overpriced supreme shirts. The same feeling when you slickly buzz your hair into a fade and then slip on a pair of Warby Parkers. People are checking you out, you look good.
In the midst of the celebration of yourself you decide you owe moms some credit so you drive back home and kick back with photo-albums. Sitting in front of you, so delicately wrapped in plastic are pictures of you at your bar mitzvah party. It’s a horror show. You’re wearing a bright pink striped Abercrombie polo. You’re also rocking some baggy ass gap jeans (semi-bleached of course). To top it all off, on your head is a Punk’d era Ashton-Kutcher inspired trucker hat.
In the photo, you are rocking the same smug grin you sported earlier that day. You’re hot shit and you know it.
Deservedly, a wave of stupidity rushes through your head. It’s a humbling experience to realize you’ve been a follower your entire life.
This may feel like i’m in confessional, because I pretty much just told you my entire aura is a sham. However, I also just told you that I had a Bar-Mitzvah, so like most Jews I have plenty more shit bottled up inside of me. Sporadically I have to air out a few of my insecurities and honest opinions. If you’re anywhere close to being friends with me, you’ve probably heart me rant on a quite a few different topics. Here are a few of my favorite hot takes and admissions:
“Johnny Depp has never made a good movie”
“Michael Jordan is creating a list of all the people making Crying Jordan memes, and he will ruin your life somehow.”
“Winter is better than Summer.”
“Cheese is gross.”
“The word lit is not lit.”
“Dwight Howard sucks (2015)”
“You can’t be gluten-intolerant now if you ate bread for 55+ years of your life.”
“Dwight Howard is better than LeBron (2009)”
“Russell Westbrook is a prophet.”
“If your favorite movie is a Pulp Fiction, you’re wrong.”
If you would like to discuss or argue, you can do that with me personally and i’ll tell you why you’re wrong.
However, seeing as I used to memorize Jay-Z and Snoop Dogg lyrics to impress people at Bar Mitzvahs, all while soaked in adidas cologne, my judgement should probably be questioned.
Always.
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