“Mom, Dad....I’m bored.”

Makes you feel put on the spot, right? You might even feel like you're a bad parent. Most of us feel responsible when we hear this from our children and want to solve this "problem" right away. We respond to our kids’ boredom by providing technological entertainment or structured activities. But that's actually counter-productive. Children need to encounter and engage with the raw stuff that life is made of: unstructured time.

Why is unstructured time so important for your child's healthy development?

Unstructured time gives children the opportunity to explore their inner and outer worlds, which is the beginning of creativity. This is how they learn to engage with themselves and the world, to imagine and invent and create.
 

Unstructured time also challenges children to explore their own passions. If we keep them busy with lessons and structured activity, or they "fill" their time with screen entertainment, they never learn to respond to the stirrings of their own hearts, which might lead them to build a fort in the back yard, make a monster from clay, write a short story or song, organize the neighborhood kids into making a movie, or simply study the bugs on the sidewalk (as Einstein did for hours).

These calls from our heart are what lead us to those passions that make life meaningful, and they are available to us beginning in childhood -- but only when children are given free rein to explore and pursue where their interests lead them.
 

It's also essential for children to have the experience of deciding for themselves how to use periods of unstructured time, or they'll never learn to manage it. One of our biggest challenges as adults, and even as teenagers, is learning to manage our time well.

As Nancy H. Blakey said:
“Preempt the time spent on television and organized activities and have them spend it instead on claiming their imaginations. For in the end, that is all we have. If a thing cannot be imagined first -- a cake, a relationship, a cure for AIDS-- it cannot be. Life is bound by what we can envision. I cannot plant imagination into my children. I can, however, provide an environment where their creativity is not just another mess to clean up but welcome evidence of grappling successfully with boredom. It is possible for boredom to deliver us to our best selves, the ones that long for risk and illumination and unspeakable beauty. If we sit still long enough, we may hear the call behind boredom. With practice, we may have the imagination to rise up from the emptiness and answer.”

Why does "I'm bored" become a constant refrain for so many kids?

Most kids given unstructured time rise to the occasion (after some minor complaining) and find something interesting to do with it. Kids are always happiest in self-directed play. That's because play is children's work. It's how they work out emotions and experiences they've had. Watch any group of children playing (outside, when screens are not an option) and they will organize themselves into an activity of some sort, whether that's making a dam at the creek, playing "pretend" or seeing who can jump farthest.

When kids simply can’t find something to do, it’s usually because:

1. They're so used to screen entertainment that they aren’t practiced at looking inside themselves for direction.
2. Their time is always so structured that they aren’t used to finding fun things to do with their “free time.”
3. They need some parental connection. All kids need to check in with their parents for refueling during the course of the day.

Unfortunately, our society is raising a whole generation of children who are addicted to screens. That's because electronics (Ipads, phones, computers, game boys) are designed to produce little "dopamine" rewards in our brains as we interact with them. That's so enjoyable that other experiences pale in comparison.
 

But children need all kinds of other experiences, from building with blocks (motor skills, perceptual abilities) to engaging with other kids (learning how to get along and partner with others) to creative pursuits (becoming a doer, not a passive observer). Children also need to be physically active. Their bodies are designed to move, and if they don't, they have a harder time sustaining attention and staying in a good mood. That's why it's essential to limit screen time.

When children say they are bored, how can parents respond?

First, stop what you’re doing and really focus on your child for five minutes. If you use this time to connect, just chat and snuggle, your child will probably get the refueling he needs and be on his way fairly quickly.
 

If he doesn’t pull away from you, and you need to get back to work after a few minutes of fully connecting, consider that maybe he needs a little more time with you. Most of the time when children are whiny and unable to focus, it's because they need more deep connection time with us. Offer to involve him in what you’re doing, or take a break from your work and do something together.
 

Once you’re confident that your child has a full “love tank,” you can revisit the “what to do” question. By now, he probably has some ideas for something he’d like to go do. If not, tell him that figuring out how to enjoy his own time is his job, but you’d be happy to help him brainstorm about possible activities.

What about when kids really do need help coming up with a boredom-busting activity? How can we help...while still being clear that entertaining themselves is their responsibility?

Most of the time, kids left to their own devices end up doing something interesting, but sometimes they really do need our help, especially if you’re newly limiting TV and electronics, or if they suddenly have more time on their hands than usual, for instance when school ends and summer begins. (Once kids get used to limitations on TV and electronics, they become good at entertaining themselves, and more creative at play.)
 

Even if you need to help your child come up with ideas for “what to do,” shift the responsibility to her by creating a Boredom Jar stuffed with ideas written on pieces of paper. Whenever a child says she’s bored, she picks three pieces of paper from the jar and chooses one of the activities.

Here are 115 examples of screen-free ideas that children can do themselves, that your child might want to include in her Boredom Buster Jar...

Many women worry about leaving their older child if they go to the hospital to give birth to their baby. It doesn’t help that labor is unpredictable in both timing and length, making it even harder to prepare a child who is often little more than a baby himself.
 

It is, of course, often possible for the child to stay with his other parent, rather than being left with a friend or relative. But we also know that labor advances faster when women have support from a loved one, so most of the time a woman’s partner stays with her during labor and the older child is left in someone else’s care.
 

How do we prepare our older baby, toddler or preschooler for this separation from mom, and maybe even from home?.....

Dr. Laura...My heart is hurting for my little girl. She is 11 years old. About a year ago she was diagnosed with Juvenile Arthritis after many months of illness.
 

Even with treatment and medication, she still has flare ups and pain in her joints. The arthritis affects her hips, knees and elbow mostly. She also tires more easily than other children. Some weeks she feels okay and can participate in normal activities, but some days she can barely get out of bed or walk without assistance.
 

I really could use some advice with how to help her deal emotionally with her illness. She cries and screams that it is unfair that she has arthritis, has to take medicine every day, get shots every week and go to the doctor all the time. She keeps saying that she just wants to be a normal kid.
 

The medicine that she takes also contributes to her mood swings. She gets so angry and upset that we have a great deal of trouble calming her down. She lashes out at me and my husband and she is just so angry. Before getting sick she was the happiest, most cheerful child ever. She has told me that she hates being different and that none of the girls in her new class will play with her. She thinks that it is because she is limping from her hip hurting.
 

The other issue we are facing is if we should pull her from cheerleading. That is the one activity that she truly loves. She has been in a cheer program for 5 years - since before she ever was sick. She enjoys everything about cheerleading. When she is hurting, she still insists on going to practice even if she has to sit off to the side and just learn the cheers. Plus she has known the girls on her team since before she was sick, so they do not treat her any differently.
 

Her coaches are really understanding when she is not feeling well or in pain, but the program is getting more and more intense as she gets older. My husband feels like it is too much on her and we should pull her. I know that it might be too much for her right now, but she is miserable at school and mad at the world, how can I take away the one thing that she truly loves?

What a heart-breaking situation for your daughter -- and for you.
 

Naturally, your little girl is angry. First, she's in pain, and that makes anyone miserable, frustrated, and ready to lash out. Second, she can't do the things she wants to do, that most children can take for granted. Third, her whole life is medical-ized and this illness dominates her life. Finally, she feels different from other kids, just at an age when children get so worried about being accepted. This would be a lot for anyone to handle, let alone an 11 year old.....

"The only way to help your child is to do the work yourself. Your child needs a guide through the tsunami." – Leslie Potter
 

When tempers are fraying at your house, who has the power to calm the storm? You. But you can't do that if you're in a state of emergency.
 

Unfortunately, many of us forget that parenting is rarely an emergency. When our child gets defiant, we feel an urgent need to take action. So we rush in, sirens blaring, and instead of a minor squall, we create a tsunami.
 

Here are three steps to help you model self-regulation and emotional intelligence instead of drama and tantrums..........

"As the mother of an 18 month old I constantly receive parenting "advice" from well meaning friends and family (a lot of it often contradictory or I just didn't like the sound of!).

This book is full of great advice and helps you to understand your parenting journey from your child's perspective too. Helps you to make parenting decisions that feel right in your gut (e.g "this is what I need to do to help my child grow into a confident, happy, caring empathic adult" and not "This is something that will stop my toddler tantruming in the short term but will damage their self esteem in the long term").

Cannot recommend thus book highly enough!"  - Susan Ellis on Amazon.co.uk (In the UK the book is called Calm Parent, Happy Kids, but it is the same book. Also available in audio and kindle.)

Quotes of the Week

There is no one true path in parenting, there is only a journey. As long as you are moving ahead and learning from your mistakes and contemplating your parenting behaviour, you are doing a good job." - AuthenticParenting

“If one going down into a river, swollen and swiftly flowing, and is carried away by the current --  how can one help others across?” - The Buddha
 
“Children want to be successful....Children’s behavior is symptomatic of their internal emotional, physical or neurological state.  To affect their behavior, their internal state must first be understood, then accepted, then addressed.” – Bonnie Harris

"Jealousy stems from a perception of loss.  Jealous children may feel a loss of their lovableness, such as when they believe a parent or grandparent favors another child over them.  It may stem from loss of esteem, as when a child is jealous of another child's skill.  Or it may stem from loss of control (or the sense that matters are unfair) when something happens they can do nothing about such as a divorce (jealous of kids whose parents are together.)" - Dr. Paul Coleman 

“Being understood by a person you love is one of our most powerful yearnings. The need for understanding is part of what makes us human. When our feelings are validated, we know that we’re not alone.” – Claudia M  Gold
 
“Parenting with gentle discipline does not mean that we let our kids walk all over us. It does not mean that we fail to set boundaries. It simply means that we approach our children with the same respect that we desire for ourselves.” - CodeNameMama
 
“My children taught me by their responses that if I gave them too much choice, too much control, too much autonomy before they were ready for it, it was frightening for them. She remembers clearly the feeling of being cut adrift when I asked her which coat she wanted to wear. How did she know? She had no experience on which to base the decision. She would crumble…” - Ali Edgley