I went off my meds and it was a huge horrible mistake.
I take medication to help me manage my panic/anxiety disorder and for quite some time I have been on a low dosage and have been doing excellently. Now, while I think there is no shame in taking medication for mental health issues—in fact, I applaud those of us who need help in that way for getting help—there will always be a part of me that wants to be med-free, that wants to be able to be at a point in my life where I can manage my anxiety without medication. I thought I was at that point in my life. I was wrong.
Here's what happened. I take 10 mg of Flouxetine (generic for Prozac) daily. That's the lowest dosage it comes in. I stopped taking it kind of sort of under doctor supervision (I'll tell you that story another time) and I was fine for weeks. The reason I was fine for weeks is that Flouxetine has a very long half-life, which in plain speak means that although I had stopped taking it, the medication was still in my metabolism for some time after. Then, when it was out of my system, I experienced horrid panic attacks. One after another after another. So many that I lost count. I felt like I was constantly in fight or flight mode. I couldn't sleep at night. I was actually afraid to close my eyes. If I did nod off, I would wake up with a jerk (and I'm not talkin' about my husband) and with my heart racing.
The last time I went through such an awful panic attack situation was when I was originally put on the medication.
There is more to this story, but let's skip to where I am now. I talked to my doctor and she told me to start taking the Flouxetine again. She understands my desire to be off of it, but right now we both agree that making the panic attacks go away and getting me back to a regular sleep routine is of utter importance.
I've been back on the Flouxetine for four days and I'm not out of the panicking woods yet, but last night for the first time in many nights I was able to sleep without waking up in full blown panic mode multiple times through the night. This gives me hope and helps me not dread nighttime.
Do I feel like a failure because I wasn't able to go off my meds? Not really. I tried, I'm not ready. Will I ever try to go off my meds again? Probably, but I will do it much slower.
I share this with you because I know I am only one of many who deal with serious anxiety issues and I don't want anyone to suffer alone or in shame. I want this to be a topic that we can all speak about openly while being supportive instead of judgmental.
You may be opposed to medication for mental health issues and that is your prerogative, but unless you are someone's doctor please don't lay the judgement-induced opinions (because they are opinions) on someone who is in the trenches of dealing with their mental health issues. Instead, be compassionate, encourage the person to get help from a medical professional and support the decisions they make (regardless of whether they choose to take medicine or not).
Here's what I managed to accomplish on the blog between panic attacks...
Abrazos,
Claudya AKA "Unknown Mami"
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