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Oh hello there,

I've been absent lately because this newsletter is extracurricular and I've been depressed and uninterested. I'm starting to feel a bit better, so I wanted to share some things I love as well as a bit of what I've been feeling. You have to "share with people who have the right to hear your story" (I love Brené Brown). So, I wouldn't publicly share my feelings when I was in the thick of it, but I have to do it. Just in case you sometimes feel like life feels like walking through sand, I wanted to say "you are not alone." 

My absence was so much easier than showing vulnerability, but depression is a part of so many of our lives. Here is what my insides have been like. Excepts from my journal: 

"I hate how often I travel and I have to write poetry in my head to feel better. Like the pangs are coming from a place of art when I want it to just not be anywhere."

"It's scary to start seeing a new therapist.
The anticipation of ripping the wound open that never quite healed
So a new doctor can determine how deep it is
Examine it and let it drip
And i never feel like they attempt to mend it.
It's weird that it doesn't numb one part of you. You'll notice that you don't feel depression in your leg or your joints. 
It's a little bit all over. 
Colors look a little less vibrant
Food doesn't matter as much
It feels like walking through sand to get up and go to the bathroom
To check the mail
To get off the couch.
I have pleasant teas, but I hate my coffee mugs. It feels like a waste to use the pretty ones.
It feels like a waste to use the pretty bowls for oatmeal, so I use mason jars.
Like I am undeserving of even that.
And every few days, I think to myself
“I'm going to throw out these ugly mugs. I'll get new ones and I'll have to use the pretty ones because that's all that's there”
or
“I'm going to clear off the counter and put dog treats in jars. Every functional item will be beautiful and I'll stop having to read obnoxious lettering about how moist and made with real beef they are”
And instead, I stack mail in front 
Bits of trash aren't thrown away
And I sit on the couch, surrounding myself with a fort of oatmeal mason jars, water bottles, pork rind wrappers, and mugs that are just ugly enough for me to feel worthy to drink my tea from them."

"If I know that I am depressed, it is not because I feel sadness
But because I feel unworthy of happiness
And that being content in life is no longer what I'm actively trying to attain. I'm just trying to get through it.
Bare minimum.

Just
Enough."

I've been on 900 mg of St. John's Wort for the past month and already, life feels less like walking through thick air, dragging my feet through sand, and I felt good enough to share some things I love. Because I feel love and contentment and if nothing else, that is cussing newsworthy. 

I hope you are happy, and if not happy, at least content. 

xoxo

Nessa

THINGS I'VE FOUND AROUND THE INTERNET

FOR DIORAMA FANS


A detail from a diorama depicting "Grand Budapest Hotel" made by Mar Cerdà, made of watercolors and paper. She's done a few Wes Anderson Films, scenes from places around the world, conceptual projects, other films, and stories. Just tiny worlds, made of paper. 

FOR PEOPLE MADE OF PAPER

I wanted to share something I really really love. My favorite book is "The People of Paper" by Salvador Placensia. This book has been really polarizing; it's loved or hated. I... haven't finished it. I've reread it countless times without finishing the last few chapters because I don't want it to end. Maybe the ending is horrible. Since I feel like you don't need to know everything about a person to love them, this book remains my favorite. It's experimental in the format and storytelling and I love the metaphors and symbolism. 

I wrote the author once (writing my favorites authors and artists is a habit of mine). His website had been taken down by then, but I was able to find an email address for him (everyone is connected). He responded and was wonderful and poetic and wonderful.

FOR YOUR MOUTH

One goal for myself is to spend money on experiences, not things. And since it's hot out and I've been down lately, most of my time is spent sitting at home. Drinking iced tea is one of those little things I've been enjoying lately. David's Tea has a crazy awesome variety of teas to choose from, including Caramel Corn Tea which has real caramel and real bits of popcorn in the tea. 

Bonus tip: if you like the idea of loose tea but can't be bothered with the process, this BPA-free tea press and mug is amazing. It's my new best friend. The pink lemonade tea is brilliant and tastes like a lemony-er version of Fruity Pebbles (oh, and they have hot steep and travel mugs, too). 

FOR LOVE

I'm not one to share every wedding photography related thing I find, but how amazing are these photographs from an underwater wedding ceremony in 1954? 

My favorite part of the ceremony isn't even the photographs - it's 
the wedding video, complete with commentary with a 1950s newsreel cadence.
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PRESS PLAY: DO WHAT YOU LOVE

Dress Rehearsal

AND LATELY ON THE BLOG

- A YEAR IN PHOTOS - 


While I've been absent in 2016, I've put together every session, trip, wedding, and family session from 2015 and packaged it all neatly into one little blog post. 

-  TIPS FOR SCOUTING  - 


9 tips to help you choose a location for your portrait session. Everything from "don't wear stupid shoes" to "grass is cut sometimes."

GO TO NESSAK.COM FOR MORE GOODNESS

My name is Nessa K and I'm DC wedding photographer. I wanted to share a few things I love; thank you for reading along! If you would like to reach out to me, please do drop me a line at info@nessakphotography.com. 

And darling, let's be friends: 
Header image and blog photos copyright © 2016 Nessa Kessinger, All rights reserved.


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