By Karen Sheahan on Jun 23, 2016 03:51 pm
On the heels of National Foster Care month, June highlights National Reunification Month (once just a single day), bringing awareness to the primary permanency option recommended for children involved with the child welfare system. The Children’s Bureau provides history and evidence toward the permanency goal of reunifying families. Additional resources on reunification can be found through the Child Welfare Information Gateway and CASCW’s series of blogs on the topic after Governor Mark Dayton signed the Family Reunification Act in May of 2013.
The Permanency and Adoption Competency Certificate (PACC) Program, entering its sixth year of statewide cohorts, aims to increase a workforce of child welfare and clinical mental health providers aware of the complexities of permanency options including reunification. Many of PACC’s modules on trauma, grief and loss, attachment, and experiences of the adoption kinship network explore the impact of reunifying. Scholarship rates for both 2016-17 PACC cohorts in St. Paul and Mankato are still available, as well as additional support for tribal workers, and those traveling a significant distance to attend. Visit the PACC website for further information, and to enroll before September!
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By Korina Barry on Jun 23, 2016 11:10 am
Guestbloggers: Jane F. Gilgun, PhD & Samantha Hirschey, MSW, School of Social Work, University of Minnesota
Maria, a fifth-grade girl, is walking to class through a crowded hallway. The principal, Vonnie, is standing at the office door greeting the children. Maria trips and drops books onto the principal’s feet.
The principal says, “Ouch.” Maria says, “I’m sorry. I’m clumsy. I’m stupid.”
Maria picks up her books. The principal helps her. As Vonnie hands a book to Maria, she says, “Oh, Maria. Wait a minute. Do you think you’re stupid and clumsy?”
“Yeah. I just dropped my books all over your feet. Did I hurt you? I’m sorry.”
“It didn’t hurt al all.” Maria doesn’t say anything.
“I didn’t know you felt that way about yourself, Maria. People drop books, sometimes that happens.”
Maria hangs her head and pulls her long hair in front of her eyes. She says, I am such a loser.”
“You look as if you think I am going to hurt you. You look sad and afraid.” Vonnie waits a few seconds. Maria doesn’t say anything.
“You know what? Lots of times I have kids have lunch with me. I’d love to have lunch with you today. We can talk about how you feel. Would you like to have lunch with me today, Maria?”
Maria looks up. “Yes.”
“What would you like? Burgers & fries? Pizza?”
“Pizza.”
“Pizza it is. What do you want to drink? Soda? Milk?”
“Soda.”
“OK. See you at lunchtime. I’ll be waiting for you right here.” Maria gives a small wave and walks to class.
Maria’s putdowns of herself show a lack of self-compassion. Rather than seeing herself as a human being who doesn’t always perform to perfection and is still okay, she holds herself to unrealistic expectations and feels like a failure when she doesn’t meet her own expectations.
Self-compassion is acceptance of ourselves, as worthy of love and respect, during good times and times of stress. When we have self-compassion, we recognize and accept our positive qualities and our imperfections. Examples of self-compassion are, “I have good qualities. I take good care of my dog. I messed up when I didn’t come home when Pops told me to. I’m going to have say I’m sorry.”
The opposite of self-compassion is self-rejection. When we have self-rejection, we have negative regard for ourselves and believe we are unworthy and unlovable. Our self-rejection is largely outside of our awareness. Self-rejecting thoughts and emotions arise when something sets them off, like dropping books on the principal’s feet, getting yelled at, or being disappointed. Examples of self-rejecting statements are those that Maria used and others, such as “I’m stupid.” “I’m no good.” “No one will ever love me.” “I wish I were dead.” Clients often make self-accepting and self-rejecting statements. When they appear to accept themselves, affirm their self-acceptance. Here are some simple things to say. “You did that well” or “Good work” or “Thank you.” When they put themselves down by stating, “I’m a loser,” say, what Vonnie the principal said, “You think you’re a loser? I didn’t know you felt that way. Tell me more about thinking you’re a loser.”
You may be surprised to learn that clients have never talked to anyone about their self-rejecting beliefs. As they listen to themselves, they often realize that these statements hurt themselves and often hurt others. They may want to talk about whose voice they think this is. Sometimes it is a parent’s voice. Sometimes it is someone else’s. Sometimes no one has ever spoken to them this harshly. It is as if they have thought the worst about themselves without being aware that they do so. Often just talking about the words of the inner critic is the beginning of letting go of negative self-talk. Clients will talk to us about these things if they trust us. So, building relationships of trust is important if we are to foster self-compassion in others. Relationships are the foundation of effective practice and personal growth.
When people develop self-compassion, they become more compassionate toward others. They can see the positive qualities of others more clearly. They become less jealous and feel less inferior to others. They are less critical and more accepting of the imperfections of others. Self-compassion, then, is a two-way street. The more I can practice self-compassion, the more compassionate I will be toward others. This works for clients and for child welfare professionals. Professionals become more effective the more self-compassion they develop in themselves.
For more resources on self-compassion, please see below. Also, keep an eye out for our Twitter and Facebook posts over the next week, as we will share various resources around Self-Compassion.
Websites and Videos
References
- Gilbert, P. (Ed.). (2005). Compassion: Conceptualisations, Research and Use in Psychotherapy. Routledge.
- Gilgun, Jane F. & Samantha Hirschey (2015). Girls’ Aggression & Child Welfare Social Work. St. Paul, MN: Center for Advanced Studies in Child Welfare. Free as an e-book on Smashwords, iBooks, and Barnes & Noble.
- Megele, Claudia (2015). Psychosocial and Relationship-Based Practice. Norwich, UK: Critical Publishing.
- Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and identity, 2(2), 85-101.
- Neff, K. (2013). Self-compassion Step by Step: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. Sounds True.
- Ruch, Gillian (2005). Relationship practice and reflective practice: Holistic approaches to contemporary child care social work. Child and Family Social Work, 10, 111-123.
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