We all know that communication is key. Whether the relationship is professional, familial, romantic, platonic, or with a teacher, you
must talk to the other person in the relationship in order to improve communication and make the relationship stronger. Having coached over 100 teens one-on-one, a common thread with all the students who I’ve worked with is that they want to improve or maintain their grades.
In order to accomplish this, the most important person that you should be building a rapport with is the teacher. But oftentimes, that is the
one person that you are avoiding.
Here are the top 4 reasons why teens don’t talk to their teachers…and what you can do about it! It boils down to the fact that you need to have more empathy (being able to understand the thoughts and feelings from the other person’s point-of-view) and to not make assumptions.
1. You fear judgment from your teachers. Deep down inside, you know that you should be talking to your teacher, but you’ve played the scenario out in your head a thousand times what you think the teacher will say or do. You think that your teacher will think that you should already know the information or that you’re “not smart” for asking the question. The fact is that the only person’s thoughts and actions you can control are your own. You don’t truly know what your teacher is going to say.
Solution: Have empathy for your teacher. Think from your teacher’s point of view. What does your teacher
truly want for her students? She wants her students to learn and be successful. Since that is also what you want, have the courage to overcome your fear of judgment and initiate a conversation about how you can do better because both you and your teacher are on the same team with a common goal.
2. You assume that your teacher will only tell you information that you already know. You may
think you know what a teacher might say or do, but unless you aced Clairvoyance at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, the only way you will know for certain is if you ask.
Let’s weigh the options here. If you say nothing, there is a 100% chance that you will learn nothing new from what the teacher has to say. Like hockey star Wayne Gretzky said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” If you do communicate, then the
possibility of learning how you can do better in the class will increase exponentially. At the very least, you “took a shot,” opened the door of communication, and showed your teacher that you are a serious student who cares about improving in the class. Sounds like a “goal” to me!
Solution: As a student, you need to realize that communication is an essential skill that you’ll need to practice in order to succeed in high school, college, and in life. When you take the emphasis off the
outcome of what the teacher may or may not say, and focus on the
process that you’re working on communication skills and building courage to speak up, it will make it easier to talk to teachers. The focus is on bettering yourself and the student-teacher relationship regardless of what the answer from the teacher will be.
3. You don’t like your teacher and/or you think your teacher doesn’t like you. Once again, you need to check in with your assumptions because the only way to find out what your teacher is really thinking is to talk to him.
With that said, are you ready for a truth bomb? Maybe your teacher doesn’t like you! Teachers are people too, and if you have the right to not like them, then they have the right to not like you.
However, let’s take a step back and visit something called personal responsibility. If you feel like your teacher doesn’t like you, take a moment to reflect on your actions in that class. Be honest with yourself and give yourself a reality check. Perhaps your teacher has reason not to see you in the most flattering light.
Solution: Remember that the point of school is to learn and gain skills in order to be an effective adult in the world. You don’t have to be besties with your teacher, but you can choose to see your less than perfect relationship with him as an opportunity to learn how to communicate effectively and work toward a goal with somebody that you don’t like.
Talk to your teacher and acknowledge that you two may not have the best relationship, but you are very open to learn how to improve in his class. Let him know that you care about the class and that you want to learn. Getting on the same page with your teacher will not only help you understand each other better, it can give you the chance to turn an ugly situation into an amazing opportunity to learn about yourself.
The truth is that there will be plenty of people in your academic and professional career that you don’t like. That is something that you cannot control. Whether or not you choose to let these people get in the way of your goals is completely up to you.
4. You believe it’s “uncool” to talk to teachers. Tell me if this sounds familiar. It’s after class and you’re dying to talk to your Pre-Calc teacher about the problems that you missed on the last test. It’s important to you, and you know it will help you. However, there are other kids in the room and you don't want them to see you talking to the teacher. What if they think you’re
a nerd? What if they think you’re kissing up and trying to be the teacher’s pet? Worst yet, what if they think you’re
that kid who is always asking questions? As a result, you avoid talking to the teacher and continue to make the same mistakes on tests and homework.
Solution: Your desire for success must be greater than your fear of judgment from your classmates. Keep this mind: it is scientifically proven that when it comes to mental development, teens are extremely self-centered at this age. What does this mean for you? It means that the likelihood that your classmates give a hoot about what you’re doing is very slim because they’re also thinking about themselves. While you’re worrying about what others think about you, the majority of your peers are also obsessing about what others think about them. So rest assured that most people are not keeping track of how “uncool” you’re being by talking to the teacher because they are preoccupied with trying to be “cool”. However, if they do judge you for trying to improve yourself, then that is their problem, not yours. Once again, you can’t control the actions of others, but you can choose how to react to it.
Communication with your teachers is vital to your success as a student. Your teachers want to help you succeed. If you let them know what you need, your teachers can be one of the best resources and allies in your academic journey. If you continually miss the opportunity to build an alliance with a person who is literally standing in front of you on a daily basis, then that is truly “uncool”.
