“No foul language is to come from your mouth, but only what is good for building up someone in need, so that it gives grace to those who hear.”
Ephesians 4:29 (HCSB)

I guess I have to admit it: I use foul language. It may have been easy to read this passage and think to myself “Well, I don’t use swear words or other vulgar talk - so I’m good! Moving on!” But then I was stopped short. Maybe it’s true that I don’t swear, but the verse goes on to tell me that what comes out of my mouth should be “only what is good for building up someone in need”. Are the words that come out of my mouth always the kind that build others up? More importantly, does the tone of my words always build others up? Hardly.

“Ugh! Why can’t you just ____ ?!” (Fill in the blank with your favorite grievance!) Maybe they aren’t listening. Maybe they’re fighting, again. Maybe your potty training toddler just had another accident on the carpet. Whatever it may be, your frustrated words and tone of voice aren’t giving grace where it’s needed.

“Don’t they realize you have a family? When are you going to spend some time with us?!” The amount of time your pastor-husband has to spend with you and your family is definitely a legitimate concern. However, I know that I am guilty of expressing my feelings in this regard in a less than gracious way, often with an exasperated and sarcastic tone. And to what end? Our husbands already know they need to spend time with their families - but are often at a loss on how to juggle that with unending church responsibility. Our “foul language” in this case is only adding another stressor and worry to their pile.

I love the HCSB translation of this verse because it is very strong about describing this manner of speaking as “foul language”. When I hear the term “foul language” I immediately think swearing. And here we are told that anything we say to cut others down, whether intentional or not, is on the same level as using swear words. It’s foul language and has no place coming from our mouths. So, even when we are upset with our kids or exasperated with our husbands and the ministry, they still need grace from us, and the words we use and the tone of voice with which we speak those words should give that grace and build them up, rather than knocking them down.

So instead we might say, “You seem to really be having trouble playing nicely today. What’s up with that? How can I help you figure this out?” Or in the case of our husband having to give up family time for another hospital call, “You know I’m disappointed, but I do understand. Is there a time later/tomorrow/etc. that we can schedule time together instead?”

Giving grace through our words, especially in heated moments, can be seemingly impossible. Thankfully God has promised to help us, even in difficult times. And we know that with Him all things are possible.

Ask the Lord
Lord, so often my words can cut others like a knife. Please help me to be mindful of the words that I use and the tone of voice with which I use them. Help me to always build others up with my words, even in times of stress or anger, that they may see you shining through me.

 

Sarah Neuman
St. Matthew’s, Ontario, WI