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Mr Smiley, Miss Beautiful, Amsterdam and me...
Amsterdam - a place that's been on my hit list for years. You've heard the stories of sex & indulgence, haven't you? Yes, me too. I was lucky enough to be invited to Amsterdam in November by my Dutch publishing house. Of course, I obliged and happily added it to my travel plans. All of my novels have done incredibly well in Holland, so I was very much looking forward to meeting some of my Dutch readers, as well as grabbing any spare time I had to soak up the famous city. I was met at the airport and taken to a lovely hotel on the canal. Apparently, this hotel is a renowned place to stay for authors. I was told I'd be asked to sign my books so they could add them to their library, which was bursting at the seams with books. What I wasn't told, though, was that this hotel was also a popular place to stay for horny businessmen. Okay, so maybe I've reached this conclusion all by myself after my mortifying experience on the final night. I'd had a lovely time for the few days I was in Amsterdam. Exhausting, but lovely. On the final night, I wanted to just chill so I went for a wander and landed back at my hotel at 10-ish. I sat outside on a bench and had a cheeky cigarette. I shouldn't have, not because smoking is a terrible habit, but because I made myself a sitting duck for the man who came bounding out of the hotel lobby with a smile so wide, it probably would have stretched from one side of Amsterdam to the other. Seriously, the man was very happy about something. It couldn't have been me; I looked like a bag of shit! Anyway, I remember thinking that he was quite a good-looking chap. Tall, blonde, mid-forties, maybe even early fifties. In fact, he was a dead ringer for Mikael from This Man. Maybe that's why I stared for a bit longer than I should, and maybe that's why he clocked me. Again, big mistake. I'd just unwittingly invited him over...and he took that innocent invite . He sat down next to me and lit a cigarette. Then he looked at me and that smile widened further. Now it was stretching from Amsterdam to London! I said good evening, being polite and all.
'You are from England?' he asked, his eyes lighting up. I nodded, and he proceeded to tell me all about himself. He lived in London too, but originates from Denmark. Again, I'm smiling because, yes, that is where Mikael comes from. So, to cut a long story short, Mr Smiley took a bit of a shine to me, and before long, he was sitting very close. Too close for comfort. I tensed up, ready to bolt, because as much as he was quite a dish, I sensed something wasn't right. He was just too happy and way too familiar. So I'm preparing to make my excuses and leave when a car pulls up in front of us and a woman gets out. A beautiful woman. Stunning, she was. I immediately felt like an ugly duckling.
She smiled brightly at me, then looked to Mr Smiley. 'You'll talk to anyone,' she laughed, giving me the once over.
Okay, so they knew each other. This was good. Now I had the perfect excuse to leave. 'It was nice talking to you.' I went to stand, only to have my arm seized, preventing me from making my escape. The woman began to laugh and the guy looked at me, and all of a sudden, I realised what the deal was. Oh.God.No!
'I was thinking,' he said, flicking his eyes to the woman, who nodded. She nodded! At this point, I'm mentally willing him to not think at all, and more than that, I'm begging him not to voice his thoughts. 'How would you like to join us?'
Damn. I walked right into that one, didn't I? He was stroking my arm by this point, all suggestively, and the woman had moved in on me too. Lord, get me out of here! Jumping up, I thanked him for the offer, I actually thanked him for the offer! Then I made a mad dash for the hotel lobby.
'Room 370, if you change your mind!' he called.
For the record, I didn't change my mind, but I did sleep with my head under the pillow all night. I was in room 372.
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