I must admit that I learned early to be clear about my personal boundaries and to defend them firmly. At times I haven't been as assertive about it as I could have been. So learning how to communicate my boundaries with tact versus defensiveness and aggression has been part of my growth.
For me, to defend my boundaries is to defend my honour.
I take the matter very seriously.
For that, I earned the label "Bitch" quite young. It was both intended and received as a personal attack. Because of the relationship and circumstances involved, I still remember the exact moment clearly as one of the most painful moments in my life.
But perhaps one of the gifts of my version of introversion is the fact that I don't need a lot of people in my life in order to feel happy - and ultimately, I am more concerned about what's right for me than what others think.
Years later, I realized that what the label really meant was that I was clear and strong in standing my ground and not caving into the pressure of obeying a person who was behaving dishonourably toward me. I can live with that and, more importantly, have no regrets whatsoever.
The natural rebel or non-conformist in me has definitely helped in terms of boundary setting. That said, my sometimes bold approach is certainly not for everyone.
And the truth is that there's a fine line between boundaries that are healthy and unhealthy. It's important to tap into your deep inner truth (versus your ego) to differentiate.
To help, this week I'm pleased to share the wisdom of fellow introvert, Marquita Herald, founder of Emotionally Resilient Living.
I "met" Marquita and learned that she was a fellow introvert through The Women of Facebook group. It didn't take long to be drawn to her after reading her blog posts and learning more about her background. I appreciate her inspiration and wisdom and am grateful that she embraced the opportunity to share it here with you.
Read on for more wisdom (and a generous free gift) from Marquita and learn her tips for creating healthy personal boundaries. Then create your own boundaries, your own way, and defend them with honour. You are worth it!
Be Brave. Be Seen. Be True.
Sending positive energy your way,
Marla Hunter-Bellavia
Your Wise Introvert Coach & Mentor
Wisdom Community: Introverted Women in Business
My work is about investing in women - introverted women in particular.
So I'm excited to be collaborating with heart-centered introvert solopreneurs to create this section of the newsletter. Share the introvert love!
In this issue, I'm pleased to feature the wisdom of fellow introvert, Marquita Herald, Author, Publisher and the Founder of Emotionally Resilient Living.
Embracing the Power of Healthy Personal Boundaries
Personal boundaries allow us to say no to things that don’t align with our values, focus on the things and people that matter most, and help us to remain healthy and living a life that is true to our very essence.
And yet, for many, boundaries remain something of a mystery. They’ve heard of them but don’t really know how they work, are unsure how to establish them - or more importantly - question whether they even want them.
Establishing boundaries can be especially challenging for Introverts. Even if we overlook our preference to avoid confrontation, there’s the issue of those pesky myths about how introverts are shy, unfriendly and don’t like people. So it’s understandable that we might not want to feed these misconceptions by shining a spotlight on how we want to be treated.
But let’s be clear about one thing - you teach people how to treat you, and if you don’t respect yourself then how can you possibly expect others to?
Healthy boundaries aren’t just good for you, they also help those who care about you by providing a clearer understanding of who you are and what matters most to you.
So to eliminate any lingering doubts you may have about the value of personal boundaries, I’d like to dispel a few of the more persistent myths.
Boundaries push people away.
The reality is just the opposite. It may help to think of boundaries as filters allowing the best things and people into your life, while keeping stress inducing situations (and difficult people) out.
Real love doesn’t require boundaries.
A healthy relationship has strong, yet flexible boundaries that allow you to embrace and thrive with your own uniqueness. There is a sense of respect on the part of each individual that allows the other to live as full a life as possible.
Boundaries are selfish.
Many people live by the misguided belief that never saying “no” will win the love and respect they desire from others. The problem is that every act of compliance, self-denial, or neediness chips away at the respect others have for them, in effect undermining the very things they want most.
It takes too much time to set boundaries.
Healthy boundaries don't just happen. They require commitment and for you to become clear about who you are and what you want most; then to begin making intentional choices to create a life around your vision.
That said, there are few things that have the ability to positively affect the quality of your life in the way a commitment to healthy personal boundaries does. By expressing your individuality in the world and choosing to be true to your authentic self, you balance respect for others with respect for yourself.
And the best part is it’s all up to you - you have the power and authority to create the quality of your own life experience!
My Special Gift For You...
I’ve prepared for you a Special Preview of my latest book that includes a step-by-step guide to help strengthen existing or begin setting your own healthy new personal boundaries.
Marquita Herald is an author, publisher and the founder of Emotionally Resilient Living where she provides insight, focus and inspiration to cultivate the empowering habits of emotional resilience.
A proud out-loud Introvert, Marquita believes you can accomplish anything you desire in our highly extroverted world as long as you learn to honor and cherish your gifts and needs.
This Ted Talk is inspirational, yes. But it is also very much about personal boundaries and the courage to live them. You have the power to set the bar for what's acceptable in your life and what is not. When you get clear about who you are, what you value, and what you want, the boundaries you create will help you to live in alignment. It starts there and expands out.
Easy? No. Worth declaring and defending? Only you can decide.
Is it time to raise your bar? Be Brave, Be Seen, Be True.
Did You Miss a Blog Post?
Solo Travel Feeds the Soul of an Introvert Mom - I'm a mid-life mom and wife choosing to Be True and just planned solo travel to refuel. Several questions from the Proust Questionnaire to consider as you also choose to be more true.
January: Be True - Questions to ask yourself as you dig deeper into clarifying your values. They're a key part of being true.
If you find that you need some clarity, courage, support, and accountability to shift gears toward what you prefer in your life/work, I invite you to contact me to see if the Wise Focus (1 month) personal coaching option is a fit for you.
Your month of 'just you and me' coaching will focus on choosing more of what fits for YOU so you can feel a sense of belonging in your own life and work.
I become a part of your success team - intensely focused on helping you to BE BRAVE, BE SEEN, BE TRUE, whatever that looks like for YOU (let's say, for example, that you want to figure out how to move toward what you desire, despite the fears and challenges that come up). We'll do most of this by email for your convenience.
And keep watching because I'm coming up with new ways to serve you.
Wise Introvert - Coaching for Introverts. A little hot pink for the excitement of possibility while remaining grounded in our introvert truth. Taking authentic and inspired action.
