Do you ever feel like the family referee? 

Someone steals a toy, and you call "Time out!" Someone gives a push, and you cry "Foul!"

You find yourself wanting to scream, Can't we all just get along?!

 The Bible puts it this way: 

"How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity."
(Psalm 133:1)

When we decide to have more than one child, we hope they will bring our family even more joy and laughter. We dream of raising kids who don't just tolerate and survive each other, but who genuinely like and enjoy each other. We imagine our kids growing up as best friends, looking out for each other at school, crying with joy at each other's weddings (okay, maybe that's just me and my hyper-sentimental imagination). But that kind of relationship doesn't happen by accident. It takes investment, effort, and attention.

Here are five ways we can help siblings become close friends:

1. Pay attention to the tones of voice in your home. Nothing taints a pleasant family time more quickly than a sharp-edged, impatient, unkind word. Song of Songs 2:15 says, "Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyard." If Satan can't rip apart our families (our vineyards) with "big" offenses, he'll employ sneaky "small" infiltrators, like cutting words and sharp tones. Listen closely to the way your family members speak to each other. Start with the parents—how do you speak to each other and to the kids? Do you snap impatiently, or take unkind digs in the name of teasing? And then listen to how your kids speak to each other—not just the word choice, but the tone. Are their words dripping with anger, sarcasm, or insult? Does one child repeatedly criticize, exclude, or make fun of another sibling? Constant criticism from a sibling can harm a child's confidence and self-esteem. Harsh tones and cruel words wound people of all ages—but especially sensitive children—and erode the safe environment we are trying to build in our families.
 

2. Help children to forgive quickly and completely. When kids argue, make sure they are fully resolved, and not hanging on to a grudge or looking for ways to seek revenge later. Believe me, I know how exhausting this can get. Sometimes I feel like we have 537 "I'm sorry" talks a day in our house. But every talk is worth the time. I've found that the simple act of hugging after an apology makes a huge difference for my kids. It usually makes them laugh and wrestle and fall on the floor, and the laughter breaks up any leftover anger. Or encourage kids to say the words "I forgive you" at the end of a conflict (and make sure they mean it—some children may need time to sit alone and pray before they can decide to forgive). Speaking the words aloud to each other will help to cement the feeling in their hearts.

3. Encourage gift-giving and thoughtfulness. When you're out at a store, encourage one child to pick out a treat for a sibling at home. If you notice a generous gesture between siblings, praise them for it. Every so often, highlight one member of the family at dinner time. Go around the table and have everyone in the family share something they love about the person. 

4. Encourage kids to pray for each other. Have children choose a "prayer buddy" for the week: Buddies tell each other something they would like prayers for, and pray for each other all week long. Or during bedtime prayers, have each child thank God for a sibling, or pray for something their brother/sister is concerned about. This teaches kids to listen to each other and care about each other's problems.

5. Talk about 1 Corinthians 13:4–5 till you can all recite it backwards in your sleep: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs." 

Let us never underestimate what a big difference small changes can make in our families. The more we invest in these small acts now, the sooner we will get to take off our referee jerseys, and sit back and enjoy our kids as they enjoy each other!