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Week of September 18, 2017

What are fights really about?

Physical fights disrupt academic learning, a sense of school safety, and school morale. Schools (and families) spend a lot of energy and time on figuring out the best ways to get students to stop fighting or prevent the next (retaliation) fight.

On the one hand this goal makes sense, as the violation of our physical self outside the context of consensual contact sports is not acceptable among most communities and cultures.

On the other hand, our aversion to physical "aggression" has become so complete, that
we have lost our ability to see physical fighting as another form of communication that needs to be deciphered and understood. 


What if physical fights were like the flares we put out to attract rescue personnel to our location?

What if fights were rescue flares with messages such as:

"My dignity is under attack and I don't know how else to protect it."

"My body has been violated by this person in many small ways and I need to let them know my body is sacred."

"The reputation of my mother - who is my rock and my safety - is under attack and I need to interrupt this slippery slope."

"The constant comments about my weight and looks are eroding my ability to stay focused and engaged."


"I am starting to be perceived as scared and weak and this puts me and my little brother in danger. I need to increase our sense of safety whatever the cost."

What if our focus on how to get the kids TO STOP FIGHTING is like trying to get them to STOP USING THE FLARES? 

Below is a story that illustrates this point for me.

The story is actually a compilation of three different stories from three different schools. The actual stories vary in terms of gender, age, and other demographics. I've combined them here to preserve confidentiality and privacy - while still making the main point.

 
 
FOCUSING ON THE FLARES: A STORY COMPILATION

Kendra, Peoria and Damian sat in the back of science class, among other assigned students.

Damian began by whispering provocative things at the girls when the teacher was busy. "Kendra, you looking so pretty today." "Peoria, you got a boyfriend?" The girls tried ignoring Damian.

"Hey Kendra. Why you ignoring me? You think you better than me?" "Peoria - you think cause you light skinned you all that?" "Kendra, you playing hard to get you little b---?" "Peoria - you know you want some."


Peoria continued to ignore Damian, saying to Kendra he wasn't worth it. Kendra talked back, telling him to stop, to shut up, leave them alone, and eventually threatening him.

The comments escalated, now mostly towards Kendra. "Hey Kendra, suck my D... you little ho". 

When Kendra threatened Damian again, he started touching her hair while continuing his whispering. Kendra then "lost it" in class and attacked him physically, beating him mercilessly while some students cheered and others curled up inside themselves with fear and dismay. Peoria stayed out of it quietly.

The ensuing restorative circle was made up of Kendra, Peoria, Damian, a dean, and their science teacher. It was clear to the three students that what the adults wanted was to have an end to the "violence" in their school.
 Because the circle was initiated by school personnel, and because the main issue was defined by them as the physical fight, it felt obvious to everyone that the circle was a problem-solving meeting about PHYSICAL AGGRESSION.


As a result, Kendra apologized for using her hands when she "knew better" and promised not to use "physical violence" in school any more. Peoria didn't want to be a snitch and simply promised to support Kendra in being less violent. Neither girl brought up the sexual harassment that led up to Kendra's physical outburst.
 

There may be many reasons why students like Kendra and Peoria do not bring up the real issues beneath their flares. It takes time for a restorative system to gain trust among the school community, and people may not feel safe in the beginning to share their truths. Beliefs about vulnerability, retaliation, and shame may also play a role in keeping people from opening up. Sometimes key people who could have supported truth telling are absent from the circle.

However, another reason people may avoid talking about the critical issues is that we are all focusing on the flares rather than on the message underneath.

Am I saying fights are ok?

No. I am saying there is a more useful question for our schools and communities to answer.

Rather than condoning or excusing physical aggression, I invite us to treat physical aggression as another form of communication about what is most critical to those involved - and to go beyond the first "surface" answers provided by participants - to the deeper truths underneath. By focusing on the issues rather than the flares, we will be able to face and address the darker truths in our communities - and reducing violence and aggression over the long haul.
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Fulton Middle School, Rockport, Texas after Hurrican Harvey
What's the best way to help teachers rebuild after Harvey and Irma?

https://www.donorschoose.org/blog/harvey-irma-help-teachers-rebuild/

Want to get your students involved in helping with Harvey and Irma?

You can consider Adopting a Classroom (a project started by a 2nd grade teacher).

Or check out these resources from Teaching Tolerance about empowering kids when "bad things happen."
Visit Conflict180.com/Resources for tools and tips.
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Contact:
Elaine@Conflict180.com

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