Greetings and Happy Fall! 

11 Tips on Facing All of Life's Transitions

As you know, life is full of transitions – big and small, moment to moment and seasonally, some easier and some more difficult. As adults, as parents, we work continually to make changes and adjustments based on our own impulses and needs, as well as based on the people and environment around us.

We all have had the experience, or witnessed someone else’s experience, of doing transitions with resistance – the son that just does not want to leave the toy aisle of the store, the adult struggling to transition to winter coming on, the daughter who cannot get into the car to go to child care without all the correct objects in hand, the parent carrying work tension home with them and not being able to be present with their family.

For all of us, the ability to learn how to be flexible in a variety of situations is essential for success in life. As adults, we have had much more practice in this than the children around us, and even we find transitions difficult at time. It is so important to remember that children’s brains and their cognitive capacities are not the same as adult brains, so we need to really look at our orientation to supporting and teaching children about transitions from a developmental, child-centered lens. The following are some thoughts (not magic answers!) and things to practice around making transitions, both big and small, for yourself as well as for the children around you.

How do you deal with transitions? Knowing your own preferences and tendencies can be helpful when you are faced with teaching a child about transitions. How was this modeled to you by caregivers or other adults around you, in different environments, i.e. school, work. What is your pace when you make changes – are you quick to change focus or direction, or are you more gradual, is it overwhelming to transition from one thing to the next or smoother for you?

View transition times as opportunities for learning. Transitions hold many opportunities for skill-building, problem-solving, listening, following directions, and cooperation. If you see yourself as teaching the child about transitions, sometimes your emotions, like frustrations/anger, can decrease.

Model and demonstrate appropriate behaviors. Do not assume the children truly know what is expected. Be patient with children, again their brains and the ability to make quick connections are not as formed as adults.

Know your children. Know what they like and what they respond to, what works, and what doesn't. This takes really slowing down and observing. Looking at the child’s age, developmental stage, abilities and triggers can all give you clues about how to be creative in helping your child make transitions.

Give children adequate time to prepare for transitions. You like to know what is coming next in your day, don't you? Do you like it when you're right in the middle of something and someone demands that you stop right now and do something else? We need to be respectful of children and their choices. They need to mentally prepare for changes, and feel that they have some control within their environment and their day. Predictable cues can also be an effective and helpful tool. Children respond to structure and routines, and consistency enables them to feel safe, secure, and more in control and competent.

Make transitions fun. Sing songs, make it a game to clean up as fast as you can, or race to the car.

Be creative with your limit making. Children don’t really begin to understand the concept of time and distance until late in elementary school. So saying “we are leaving in 5 minutes,” might not really be a good intervention. Instead, try something like “OK, 5 more pushes on the swing,” or for older children, showing them time on a clock “when the big hand is on the 6 we will get in the car.”

Be clear about what is coming next. Depending on what it is, sharing about what is next in the child’s life can help with a sense of power and control, which often challenging behaviors come from. This could include offering choices, when appropriate.

Utilize positive reinforcement as a tool. Children generally strive to please. Reward appropriate behavior with recognition, praise and positive reinforcement. Don't fall into the "Good Job" pitfall - the more specific and concrete your comments are, the more it indicates that you are really looking and paying attention, and are sincere.

Try to stay away from always relying on external rewards like stickers. This can often backfire, and you may have children who will only do what is expected if they get something in return.

And remember: their responses to transitions depends on our responses to them! Make sure you are considering how your own fear and/or anxiety may be playing into the issue. Children feed off their parents’ feelings. If the child senses you are upset or worried about the transition it may become amplified within them. Making sure you are mindful about your own feelings and addressing them can also be essential in helping your child make smooth transitions. It is called co-regulation, when we can stay calm in ourselves as adults, and allow for the child to feel this and stay calm in themselves.

“Look on every exit as being an entrance somewhere else.”
-Tom Stoppard

Remembering that our brains and bodies are built to be in social relationships, and that we keep learning throughout the lifespan is important too! So don’t give up and keep on practicing!

Other resources about transitions
https://childmind.org/article/why-do-kids-have-trouble-with-transitions/ https://theinspiredtreehouse.com/transition-strategies-preventing-tantrums-during-daily-routine/
 

About the author: Jennifer Auletta, is a mother of 2 boys (who are constantly in transition!) and the Clinical Services Director of the Family Center of Washington County.