StoryMusings #7 - Listening

I have this vivid memory from my childhood:

My father, a preacher, not a patient man, standing at the door at the end of home visits, rocking up and down on his heals. Shut-ins wanted to talk, to tell their stories, talk about their pain, their families. He’d listened all he could. He needed to go. He would stand and rock up and down. Back and forth. Nodding his head and saying, “uh-huh”, and clearing his throat over and over until finally he could get in, “Well, let’s say a prayer…”

I can’t remember the first time it occurred to me that he wasn’t actually listening, but life was giving me a valuable opportunity to learn. I’m so glad I made the decision to show up for class.

Over the years, as I’ve continued to build and improve my personal skills as a storyteller, as well as a coach for other people in their storytelling, I have come to believe that the #1 skill, and yet the most underrated skill, in how to be a good storyteller is listening.

That may sound counterintuitive, but please...hear me out.

When I first became involved in Carapace, our local monthly reality storytelling endeavor, I put my name in the hat every time. What I started noticing, though, was that I was not really hearing other people’s stories as I waited. Carapace is a very popular event. On many nights, we could have a whole second program with the people left in the hat end. So, even though I didn’t go, I would spend the whole evening with half my brain turned off, going over the outline of my story, wondering if it would be too much like other’s stories, picking up ideas from their lines, but never really fully listening.

Carapace is an instructional opportunity on how to listen to a good story. Once again, I’m so glad I decided to show up for class.

Even if you’re not a storyteller, I’m sure you also know the phenomenon of half-listening from group discussions or meetings, even family meals. It starts with that impulse of I have something to say in response, but it’s not your turn. So you sit there, waiting and waiting, cultivating what you’ll say, picking out just the right turn of phrase, and only partially listening to the dialogue in the meantime.

It’s. So. Hard.

When I facilitate workshops and coach people, I often lead a section called "deep listening." This activity brings about some of the most interesting personal discoveries in all the work.

As for my own storytelling, I’m trying to address the problem in a few different ways. One is I stopped putting my name in the hat so often. I try to only throw in about once every few months, and especially when I have a really good story that matches the theme. I don’t go in just for the practice because I see the listening just as much a part of my practice.

I’ve also become a connoisseur of stories in all sorts of ways. I consume stories like I do yogurt for breakfast. I listen to dozens of storytelling podcasts every week. If you’d like a list of some of my favorites, here they are. Sometimes I start conversations with people by asking, "What are three good things in your life right now?” It helps them leap into telling me a story without even knowing it, and then I get to challenge myself to listen to their stories.

Thanks for listening to my story today!