Overheard In The Woods
COLBY: . . . now I don’t really understand why people are so pre-occupied with this idea that you have to read just the new books. I mean, there’s thousands and thousands of excellent books that came out last year. Or the year before even. Why—oh, turn here. Yeah, it’s right up there.
GLOM-GLOM: Glom.
COLBY: Anyway, so we’re always bringing in new books. Always with the new books. And if a book is three weeks old? Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. That just won’t do at all. No no no. You can’t be seen reading an old book. That’s—no, that trail there. Yes, through those trees.
GLOM-GLOM: Glom?
COLBY: It’s okay. I know who lives there.
GLOM-GLOM: Glom.
COLBY: He’s not that bad. He just makes that noise when you startle him.
GLOM-GLOM: Glom glom glom.
COLBY: Yes, I agree. He does look funny when he’s surprised.
GLOM-GLOM: Glom.
COLBY: I’ll introduce you, if you like . . .
GLOM-GLOM: Glom . . .
COLBY: Well, you don’t have to say anything. He’s not a very good conversationalist anyway.
GLOM-GLOM: Glom.
COLBY: So, yes, right there those trees there. Yes, that’s it. Okay, you can stop here. I’ll just . . . eh, uh, whoops! Ha, that first step is a doozy. Okay. Wait here, okay?
GLOM-GLOM: Glom. Glom glom glom glomglom.
COLBY: He’s not going to make a hat out of your skull. Stop being so . . . such a ruminant.
GLOM-GLOM: Glom!
COLBY: Just chill out. Okay?
[Knocks on wooden door]
COLBY: Just relax, would you?
GLOM-GLOM: Glom.
BOB: Ah, hello? Who’s—oh, [redacted]! You’re a big one.
COLBY: Uh, down here, Bob.
BOB: Oh, Colby! I didn’t see you there. Not with that, uh, that’s a big moose. I didn’t know there were moose in the Cascades.
COLBY: Glom-Glom is just visiting.
BOB: I’m sorry, what? Glom-nom?
COLBY: Glom-Glom. That’s his name.
BOB: Oh, I see.
COLBY: Say hi.
BOB: Uh, hi.
GLOM-GLOM: Glom.
COLBY: He’s pleased to make your acquaintance, and he wants to know if you have any beer.
BOB: What?
GLOM-GLOM: Glom glom glom.
COLBY: This is Bob. That expression on his face is delight. He’s happy to meet you, and he has offered you a beer. If you would like one.
GLOM-GLOM: Glom?
COLBY: He wants to know what kind of beer.
BOB: Uh, I think I have some . . . how did you find me?
COLBY: This is you cabin, isn’t it?
BOB: Well, yes.
COLBY: It’s in the woods, right?
BOB: Yes.
COLBY: We’re neighbors.
BOB: We’re . . . what?
COLBY: Neighbors. My second cousin’s brother’s sister’s first boyfriend’s mother lives just over that ridge. I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d drop by.
BOB: Oh, I see.
COLBY: Glom-Glom was heading back to Canada and he offered to give me a ride. So, yeah, here we are. You were saying something about a beer?
BOB: Yeah, I think I have some IPA. Maybe a stout . . .
COLBY: Beardy man wants to know if you drink the bitter stuff that is like spring run-off strained through pine needles or the stuff that tastes like muddy lake water.
GLOM-GLOM: Glom.
COLBY: Stout, please.
BOB: Okay. Does he want to drink it out of the bottle or should I pour it in a glass.
COLBY: A bowl is best.
BOB: Right. Of course. I’ll, uh, get that.
COLBY: Thanks, Bob. Oh, hey, do you mind if I spend the night?
BOB: What?
COLBY: Can I stay over?
BOB: Why?
COLBY: Look. This is awkward. I’ve been at the store too long. Sleeping outside? In a hole? I can’t do it anymore. I’m an urban marmot. I need a decent memory foam pillow and a blanket.
BOB: Yeah, okay. You can . . . you can sleep on the couch.
COLBY: Great. Thanks!
BOB: What about your friend? Uh, Glom-Glom.
COLBY: As long as you don’t have a bear skin rug, he can sleep in the living room.
BOB: Yeah, I don’t have a bear skin rug.
COLBY: Perfect. This is going to be fun!
GLOM-GLOM: Glom!
BOB: Yeah . . . I'm not sure I would call it that . . .