Dear <<First Name>>,
Is it just me, or is there something extremely 'heavy' about finishing things? Like, I just finished watching this show, right--and now I'm experiencing this sensation that I like to call the "emotional hangover."
This always happens post-binge, whether it's a show, or a really good movie or a book...sometimes even after writing my own story, I feel it, too. It's a feeling I would describe best as the opposite of catharsis, which (according to the dictionary) comes from the Greek word 'to cleanse'. As in, releasing built up energy; cleansing the soul.
Yet at the end of things, I don't feel purer, or lighter. What I feel is an overwhelming accumulation of emotional weight. It's a lot to take in, and greatly disorienting. I usually have to take some time to myself to recenter so I can adjust.
The notion of recentering has been a recurring theme in my work as of lately. I think a lot about conceptions of self and how we stray from those conceptions or, optimally, pull ourselves closer to an ideal we have dreamed up in our minds. I am fascinated by the one-way experience of myself and strive constantly, through my writing / art, to understand my thoughts and behaviors as best as I can. I want to know why I hurt, understand my inner feelings, and reconcile the notion of 'who I am' with 'who I think I am'. Writing is one of many ways to do that, I suppose.
I think introspection and a little existential angst can be a healthy combination if it means learning yourself better. Since publishing my book, I've released a digital booklet that offers a glimpse of my idea of the "self" being a spectral, fluid thing. I think the fact that there are moments that make me feel not like "myself" and vice versa are a credit to that. I'm also super fascinated by the idea of breaking identity down to a series of associations and isolations. Sometimes I like to take what I call 'alt self portraits' and photograph things like, my lipstick stained on a coffee cup or my makeup scattered across my bedroom dresser or even just a snapshot of my shadow. Things that capture remnants of me, of my essence, but not my visage. It's like visual synecdoche, you know? Meanwhile, I've stumbled across the work of artists like photographer Chino Otsuka, who has created a series of portraits that juxtapose the past self with a more recent past self, an equally intriguing concept.
We're a week into October and autumn is starting to show its colors (literally!) and this season arrives, for me, with an overwhelming theme of Transition*. That is, I feel like I am shifting on many levels simultaneously, finding myself in places new yet familiar. My tendency to feel like an outsider or a passenger in my own life has made 'disassociation' another underlying theme in my recent work, and I think for now I'm going to continue exploring different creative ways to figuratively pull myself apart and put things back together. This is kind of the main inspiration behind Mechanisms, the poetry project I'm releasing this month!
Likewise, I hope you'll make some room to spend more time with yourself this season--a task that is difficult yet always worthwhile. It's a good time of year for it, at the very least. Though the methods vary individually.
Let me know how it goes.
With Love,
Lana
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