History of Christmas

Oh Santa, dear Santa, it's late at night.
I'm writing this letter by candlelight.
We've put up the Christmas tree, so big and green.
It's the prettiest tree that I've ever seen.

We've hung up our stocking by the fireplace-
Don't forget- mine's got the funny face.
It snowed all day long, turning everything white,
And we played outside 'til there was no more light.

We made a big snowman with a carrot nose,
But now it's time for bed, I suppose.
I know that it's already Christmas Eve,
And I know that you have to get ready to leave...

But I thought of a few more things that I need,
Like new mittens, a bike, and a book I can read.
And perhaps, while you're at it, a teddy bear
And a Doll that smiles- one with long golden hair.

And a parrot that talks and knows its name,
Some paints and new slippers, and maybe a game.
And a dollhouse with doors that open and close,
Or a small Ballerina who stands on her toes.

Oh yes- and my brother, he wants more things too.
I hope this is not too much trouble for you.
He would like a brown horse- a toy one please.
And a book for learning his ABCs.

Of course, he needs dump trucks and plenty of cars,
And a rocket that's ready to take off for Mars.
Oh Santa! How one wish can lead to another,
Both for myself and for my little brother.

We have so many toys- if we get any more,
Our house will look like a department store!
Perhaps what we need is not one more toy.
Maybe it's something more simple- like joy.

The presents are great, and we both love to play,
But I think that the meaning of Christmas Day
Is more about loving and less about things,
And the feeling that sharing and giving brings.

I know it's a lot, but here's what I wish,
As you harness your reindeer and take off with a swish.
I hope the tonight as you fly in your sled
That all the world's children are safely in bed,

And are warm, and are dreaming dreams that are sweet,
And have plenty of love, and plenty to eat.
Oh Santa, dear Santa, I think what we need,
Is a world that is peaceful and not full of greed,

Where everyone cares about one another
As if each child were a sister or brother.
So Thank you, dear Santa, And oh, by the way,
Do have a wonderful Christmas Day!

'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips
Were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess

My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night
In the morning I'll starve...  'till I take that first bite!

'Twas the night before Christmas
at Rock-Away Rest, 
And all of us seniors
were looking our best. 
 
Our glasses, how sparkly,
our wrinkles, how merry; 
Our punch bowl held prune juice
plus three drops of sherry. 
 
A bedsock was taped
to each walker in hope, 
That Santa would bring us
soft candy and soap. 
 
We surely were lucky
to be there with friends, 
Secure in this residence
and in our Depends. 
 
Our grandkids had sent us
some Christmasy crafts, 
Like angels in snowsuits
and penguins on rafts. 
 
The dental assistant
had borrowed our teeth, 
And from them she'd crafted
a holiday wreath. 
 
The bed pans, so shiny,
all stood in a row, 
Reflecting our candle's
magnificent glow. 
 
Our supper so festive
the joy wouldn't stop
Was creamy warm oatmeal
with sprinkles on top. 
 
Our salad was Jell-O,
so jiggly and great, 
Then puree of fruitcake
was spooned on each plate. 
 
The social director
then had us play games, 
Like "Where Are You Living?"
and "What Are Your Names?" 
 
Old Grandfather Looper
was feeling his oats, 
Proclaiming that reindeer
were nothing but goats. 
 
Our resident wand'rer
was tied to her chair, 
In hopes that at bedtime
she still would be there. 
 
Security lights
on the new fallen snow 
Made outdoors seem noon
to the old folks below. 
 
Then out on the porch
there arose quite a clatter 
But we are so deaf
that it just didn't matter.
 
A strange little fellow
flew in through the door, 
Then tripped on the sill
and fell flat on the floor. 
 
'Twas just our director,
all togged out in red. 
He jiggled and chuckled
and patted each head. 
 
We knew from the way
that he strutted and jived 
Our social security
checks had arrived. 
 
We sang, how we sang
in our monotone croak, 
Till the clock tinkled out
its soft eight-p.m. stroke. 
 
And soon we were snuggling
deep in our beds,
While nurses distributed
out nocturnal meds!

If you see a fat man ... 
Who's jolly and cute,
wearing a beard 
and a red flannel suit, 

and if he is chuckling 
and laughing away, 
while flying around 
in a miniature sleigh 

with eight tiny reindeer 
to pull him along, 
then let's face it...
Your eggnog's too strong!