MICROTONES by Chris Lay, contributor and not-self-actualized person at large

We’re only a couple of weeks into the new year and it’s entirely possible that you’ve already started to cave in on your resolutions to improve yourself in 2017.

Luckily some generous soul has dumped a bunch of ancient-looking home-dubbed(!) self-help cassettes (along with photocopies of their accompanying literature, natch) onto Madison Craigslist for your aural edification.

How much do you have to pay for the honor of owning second-generation copies of “Power Of The Subconscious Mind”, “Memorizing Names & Faces”, “Seeds of Greatness”, “New Technology Of Achievement”, and “How To Be A No Limit Person,” among others? They are all free to a good home, albeit one that is in dire need of self-actualization.

If, like me, you have no clue what could ever possibly fill the yawning chasm of insecurity in your life, just go for the all-encompassing goody bag which can barely be contained by four preview photos! Buyer beware, though: you “must be interested in them all.”

Fans of Shopgirl, the 2000 Steve Martin novella-turned-feature film, may remember that self-help books like the ones here were the turning point for Jason Schwartzman’s character Jeremy, so who knows, maybe these will put you on the path towards a Mirabelle Buttersfield (Claire Danes) of your own!

If you need something to listen to them on though, this beauty will set you back thirty bucks, but if you play your cards right they might toss in that flashy AM Gold CD to sweeten the deal.