Issue 50



Death is a thief and a teacher.

On 5 August 2018, someone very important to me left this world. Like a shooting star, here for awhile and then gone.

She was my idol and a role model. Her music rocked my world as a 19-year-old and opened my eyes to new possibilities. On countless lonely nights, her music was there as a sort of mutual understanding. She made me feel less alone. For many years I dreamed of working together with her - she was a shore I was slowly swimming towards, and I had confidence I'd reach it someday. When I finally got there, I'd gush and tell her all about how she'd affected the course of my life, even from afar.

But last Sunday she passed away, after a long struggle with mental illness. She was 32.

I want to remember all the wonderful things she did during the short time she was here on earth as a human being. Her music, her kindness, her pure heart, her bravery, her efforts at destigmatizing mental health by talking about her own mental illness, her coming out, her championing of human rights. She made and played music, wrote lyrics and poetry, took wonderful photographs, and was also an incredible artist. Her talent was staggering. She had many friends who loved her, and her kindness touched the lives of many people who crossed paths with her. She was an incredibly soulful and successful human being who lived the shit out of life.

There is no moral to a story that ends like this. Losing her to suicide will never be okay. But she had her struggles that no one, apart from herself, can ever comprehend. As heartbreaking as her death is, she is free now.

Yet, even as my heart broke, thinking about her short life and all that could have been, light filtered through. And hope too, as well as inspiration. I'm so glad she ever existed in this world. I want so much to live a little more like her - with greater purity, greater soulfulness, greater kindness. I hope in the days to come I can be half the successful human being she was.

I also know that I want to take greater care of my own mental health, to never take it for granted. Most of all, I know just how crucial it is for me to learn to live with my own mind. No matter how much love surrounds us, no matter how many projects we do to try to change the world into a better place, no matter how many meaningful things we embark on, if we cannot learn to be at peace with our own mind, we will never be able to experience the sweetness of being alive.

In the end there is nothing to be afraid of except our own critical, judgemental selves - that dark and scary voice in our heads that makes the world out to be scarier than it really is. If we can bear to do the inner work (no matter how long it takes and how tough), if we can hug ourselves, give ourselves a pat on our shoulders and learn to be our own friend, that dark and scary voice will eventually go away. Then we'll see that really, there is absolutely nothing to be afraid of.

Nothing at all.

Give me your hand, we can do this together.

PS: Some of my favorite songs by Ellen - This, this, this, this, this and this. And so many more. I hope you like them too. She really was a fucking rockstar.



PPS: Love you forever.