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September 2018

When Wounds Don't Heal


One of my all time favorite song lyrics is from a song by the Goo Goo Dolls called Name.  It is one that has always resonated with me, and seems to grow in meaning the older I get.  "Scars are souvenirs you never lose, the past is never far."  While it can obviously apply to physical scars, I always seem to picture the emotional wounds that we all carry with us throughout our lives.  The scars that take years to form from open wounds and transform into something more manageable, but permanent.  The scars that still ache at unexpected times even decades later.

These wounds can look different for everyone.  Some are deaths of loved ones... parents, siblings, children, soulmates.  Some are broken relationships that can cause a lifetime of grief.  Some are feelings of inadequacy or depression that cut to the core.  And while these wounds may never fully heal, they do generally seem to at least get easier to live with as they scar over and help to shape who we are.

In the first article this month, a mother shares the grief that she knows that she will forever carry with her for a daughter who has already been gone for longer than she was in the world.  She speaks openly from a place of hurt and healing.  In the second article, a life coach responds to a question about how to heal from wounds that divided her family years ago.  She gives advice about learning how to change how you view a situation in order to heal yourself.  

The Wound Time Won’t Heal


by 

We’ve all heard it.

“Time heals all wounds.”

Sounds incredibly hopeful for someone who’s drowning in grief. Except when time doesn’t heal your wound.

What is the numerical value of grief?

Later this year will mark eight years since my 4-year-old daughter, Margareta, died. She died exactly 29 days after her fourth birthday. That means we had 1,489 glorious days to spend with her — the only daughter in a family full of boys.

One of my grandmothers died last year at the age of 98. My other grandmother is in her 90s. Based on those genes, I can probably expect to live until close to a century old. If that is true, Margareta will have been alive for about 4% of my life.

4%. 0.04. A small fraction by most measurements. A blip in my overall life. Except that she’s anything but.

Coming up on eight years since her death, she will have been gone twice as long as she lived. The small details of her life are already being lost to time. And yet I still think of her every day, multiple times a day. This isn’t a bad thing. Every time I think of her is an opportunity to celebrate the love between us.

But lying just under the surface of my day-to-day life is the endless pain that surrounds the memories of my daughter. Anything can trigger it. My chest tightens. My breathing pauses. The tears begin to well up behind my eyes.   Read More...

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Tear Soup  (ON SALE NOW)

by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen

If you are going to buy only one book on grief, this is the one to get. It will validate your grief experience, and you can share it with your children. You can leave it on the coffee table so others will pick it up, read it, and then better appreciate your grieving time. The “tips” section at the back of the book is rich with wisdom and concrete recommendations.   
Shop Here...

Remembering Heart  (ON SALE NOW)

Two beautiful handcrafted ceramic hearts in one. When separated, the tiny inner heart can be placed with the loved one who has died as a reminder of their unbroken connection to those who remain behind. They can also be tied together to form a necklace of love. The outer heart is kept by the bereaved and can be worn as a necklace, acknowledging their grief.   Shop Here...

Do you suffer more than you have to?


by Kimberly Giles

Question:
My brothers have deeply hurt me and my family, and I've been upset towards them for years. I hear people say all the time "it just takes time to heal." My question is whose time, how much time and how does healing happen? Because time is passing but I'm not feeling any better. Do some offenses take more time? Is there a chance I may never be able to forgive them? I am honestly trying to let it all go, but every time I think about what they did I get upset all over again. Do you have some advice for me?

Answer:
The truth is time doesn't change anything. You have to do the work to change how you feel yourself … and you can do this at any time. There are situations where some distance from the offense does lessen the pain a little and may make forgiving easier, but you are still going to have to change how you see this situation if you want to feel better.

Some people never do change their mindset and continue to suffer from past offenses forever. One reader told me his father hasn’t spoken to him since Thanksgiving and hadn’t spoken to his brother since 2002. Most of these people are stuck because they either don't know how to change their perspective (this is the most common reason) or they aren't willing to change it because they are getting some benefit from staying hurt.

A couple weeks ago I wrote an article about the quirky benefits of negative thinking, and if you suspect you may be staying mad for a subconscious reason, you may want to read that one.

You must understand changing, healing and forgiving are a choice. Some people make that choice quickly right after an offense and suffer for only a short time. Others hang onto misery and choose to suffer for a long time (again usually because they don't know how to choose something else.)

It is interesting that most people heal faster if the offense involves a stranger than they do if it involves a close relative. It appears the closer the relationship the deeper the wound. Your inner state also determines how much pain an offense causes. If you have really low self-esteem and someone criticizes you, it will cause a deeper wound than if you had good self-esteem. But in the end, you have the power to consciously choose whether an offense is a deep muscle tear or a scratch.

Buddha taught that when an offense happens you should decide right then, if this is going to be a cut through water, which heals immediately, a cut through sand, which will be gone by tomorrow, or a cut through stone, which could be there for decades. You are in charge of how much and for how long you suffer.   Read More...

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Feeling Hearts  (ON SALE NOW)

The same colorful ceramic feeling hearts that we sell in bags of 20, only these are singles! Use them for replacements or buy just what you need. These small ceramic hearts come in a variety of textures and colors designed to provide an opportunity to express emotion.   Shop Here...
 

We Were Gonna Have A Baby,
But We Had An Angel Instead
  (ON SALE NOW)

A children’s book told from a young child’s perspective about the excitement and dreams of a coming baby, and the disappointment and sadness of a miscarriage. Beautiful ink and watercolor illustrations.   Shop Here...
 
 

Name


by Goo Goo Dolls

And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
'Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away

And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame
If you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell 'em your name

And scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are?
Read More...

Being a Wounded Healer

Being A Wounded Healer presents a "spiritual model of care" to complement the typical "medical model of care." The medical model looks at eliminating wounds. The spiritual model looks at finding meaning in the midst of wounds. The spiritual model presented in this book is based upon the spiritual traditions of all of the major religions. The model is presented to assist physicians, nurses, social workers, clergy, and counselors find meaning in the midst of their own wounds so that they can help patients/clients find meaning in the midst of their wounds.   Shop Here...
 

Quote of the Month

The worst wounds, the deadliest of them, aren't the ones people see on the outside. They're the ones that make us bleed internally.   Sherrilyn Kenyon

Mission Statement

MISSION: The Grief Watch mission is to offer spiritual, emotional and other support to persons who are grieving and the professional caregivers who assist them.  For more information about us please visit our info page.

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