Forgiveness is Hard...Really Hard!

Summer is over. 2 1/2 months away from home, sleeping in lots of different beds in different States, and constantly being out of my routine is over. A couple thousand miles on the car later. Clean underwear. Acai bowls. Sand in the toes. I am home.

In the spirit of learning, and reflecting on the summer, there is one HUGE thing I learned, and it is this…Forgiveness is really f#@king hard!!!!

Yes, we know this, but here is a new wrinkle. I have forgiven people before, and I sure hope I have been forgiven by others. But this summer I found myself smack dab in the middle of having to spend uncomfortably close time with someone for over a month – of whom I am currently trying to forgive.

Actually, I thought I had forgiven this person. I did, until I found myself having to be with them for long periods of time. Then BOOM…all the sh#t comes rushing back to the surface…I feel my blood boil…my thoughts get mean…and I hear myself condemning this person ruthlessly in my head.

Clearly…I haven’t forgiven.

Yes, I love this person. But loving and liking don’t always go together. And here is the reason why…

Forgiveness is much more possible when the person you are trying to forgive seems remorseful…or even acknowledges what they have done. In this particular situation, this is a person I have had to confront numerous times over the years for their actions…in a way I never imagined. And, when I lovingly confronted them each time I was met with lies and deceit. And truthfully, there were times when my approaches were not so loving. I digress.

Yet, nearly a decade later this person continues to want to move forward as if nothing has ever happened…and here is the kicker… they are still doing the same things (if not more) and showing no signs of change. And when you confront them…lies…or nothing. No apologies for the past lies or actions. Not a single recognition of anything. Instead, they mentally sweep it under the rug and hope everyone else will just sweep it too. Uhhhhhh…no.

So here I am…trying to forgive. Trying to forgive someone who doesn’t seem to want to change. And I know at my best people shouldn’t have to change to please others…but it makes it really difficult when everyone else is left to have to change to deal with them.

I know I need to forgive because I cannot live with toxic thoughts. I refuse to stay angry or bitter,, and continue to poison my own life and those around me because of the actions of another. But, I don’t know the path forward. Maybe I don’t need to know the path…but I know this classroom is not about getting the change I seek…but being able to find peace and forgiveness with the way things are. Right now. (No change necessary.)

This is just a big opportunity for a colossal “Yes, And!”

That’s all. That is what I learned and am continuing to learn from the summer.

Forgiveness…ugh… it’s just really F’ing hard!

–Travis

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