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Boundaries
Boundaries are what you are willing to accept, not accept, do or not do and are there to keep you feeling safe, comfortable and living by your values.
Some of the barriers to making boundaries
Guilt, shame, being unaware of what your boundaries are, learnt experiences from childhood, fear of rejection, lack of self care, wanting to be loved & liked
& feeling pity for people and having the urge to solve their problems for them. Feeling like you are responsible for others feelings and behaviours.
What makes it easier to make boundaries?
Seeing that other people have strengths and resilience, aware that other people have the potential to solve or learn to solve their own problems,
admitting you are human and can't do everything and realising that your time and your feelings are important too. Awareness of what your feelings and boundaries are.
How to set a boundary?
You can make it short and sweet
You don't always have to make an elaborate excuse.
You don't always have to tell people why and have a reason. Sometimes you just are not interested and that is okay.
It is okay to say "no".
"No thanks, I can't make it"
"Thanks so much for the invite, I can't make it"
"I wont be able to help you this time"
"I am not interested but thanks for thinking of me"
Change your behaviour
Realise the persons behaviour may not change and if that is the case you may have to change your response to protect yourself.
For example, I find it hard to hear about violent incidents. I had an acquaintance who talked about their experience with violence. I did tell them I get traumatised hearing about it. I asked them to not talk about violent incidents around me. I also said that if they do need to talk about this I can help them to find someone who can listen. E.G. A trauma informed counsellor. After setting this boundary they continued to talk about violence when we met. I told them that in the future if they talk about violence I am going to have to leave.
We also had a client at work who rang our workplace 10 times per day. Firstly, we did talk to her to find out why she was calling so much. Then we asked her what are some alternative ways that she could meet those needs. We then set a boundary for her to call us one time a day. However, she continued to call 10 times a day. So we told her that we will take her call one time a day and if she calls more than that we would hang up.
Make boundaries before an event/situation
"I will be able to help for 2 hours"
Or be clear exactly what help the person wants before the day. For example if someone asks for you to accompany them to the GP be clear on what help they need and, how long and be clear on what you can and cannot do. See what they want and negotiate what part you are willing to do.
Awareness
Awareness can help with setting boundaries. Being aware of how we feel. Often our feelings have been invalidated throughout our lives "don't overact" "it isn't that bad" and some of lose track of our feelings. We learn to minimise our own feelings and prioritise others feelings and needs. Feelings can help protect our boundaries. Also sometimes when we set boundaries people try to minimise or dismiss our boundaries "Don't overact". This is where it is important to know that your feelings are valid. You can restate your boundary using an "I" statement.
Mental Illness and Boundaries
Sometimes when people feel sorry for people with a mental illness they do not set clear boundaries with us. They become matyrs and neglect their own needs. They do everything and don't allow the person the opportunity to solve their own problems. This is not helpful for anyone. There needs to be boundaries even if the person has a severe mental illness you also need to protect yourself. Also recovery IS possible. So doing too much for a person doesn't give them the opportunity to learn and grow. As someone who lives with a mental illness people setting boundaries with me has encouraged me to think about how my symptoms impact others and motivated me to get the professional help I need. I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder so sometimes stressful events have impacted me more intensely than a partner. Partners in the past have wanted to protect me from knowing about any stressful things (e.g. bills). Trying to protect a person with anxiety from all anxiety provoking stuff is unsustainable, can build up resentment and doesn't make our anxiety go away. It is actually avoidance. It is best to set clear boundaries with us. Tell us honestly how our anxiety is impacting you and what we can do as a win-win. For example, it may be agreed that I will go into the spare room and ring life line if I am very anxious & my partner isn't feeling like they can be there at that moment. Ideally the partner without anxiety will set a compassionate boundary "I have had a hard day at work today, I care about you, I hope you get the help you need but I can't listen tonight". It is good to be there for someone with a mental illness. However, you can't be there for us ALL the time. You have to protect yourself. This is another reason why the strengths-based approach and recovery model is so great. It is a network of support. Self-responsibility is an aspect of recovery. If my partner can't listen to me on a particular night then I am responsible for finding someone else or some other way to manage my anxiety. Also hope is an aspect of recovery. The hope that while I am anxious now I can get through it. Also situations where I have set boundaries with my friends, family members or clients who have a mental illness I have actually seen so many benefits for them, me and for our relationship. It is not always easy to set boundaries. It can feel uncomfortable but they are necessary. It becomes easier with practise. It does protect relationships, prevents burn out and there are so many benefits from having good boundaries.
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