April's Musings
Softening the armor
Is it weird that every time I look at my 13 year-old son I can still see his toddler face? I have this incredible urge to just grab it and bury by nose in his cheek and face-snuggle like we used to. This is definitely an action I refrain myself from doing as not to completely throw his pre-pubescent sensitivities into overdrive. I settle for the quick side-hug instead before sending him off to his first day as an eighth-grader.
I wonder if every parent has the same “seeing-problems”. Our children are growing so fast before our eyes and yet the perpetual infant seems to be present. Maybe that is true for all of us: that underneath the adult exterior we all have that inner child needing attention but not wanting to be exposed. The word vulnerability comes to mind. As much as we want to shield them from any hardship or heartbreak we know it is that exact experience that builds character & resilience.
One night my youngest called me from his bed—I could hear him screaming my name from the kitchen. Annoyed that I had to stop in the middle of whatever task I was doing I gruffly asked what the problem was.
“I’m having trouble falling asleep.” He whined.
I told him that sometimes it’s hard to fall asleep especially if your mind is busy or your body has extra energy. I just thought he was trying to get me to read him another chapter or have reason to stay up a little later. Then I offered suggestions: tensing and relaxing the muscles of his body, deep breathing, a cool eye pillow.
“No, I’ve tried all that and it doesn’t help.”
It was then I noticed desperation in his eyes. Tears welling. I softened. And took a seat by the bed. My kitchen cleaning would have to wait. I asked if there was something else on his mind.
“I don’t know…I think I’m just scared. And sad.”
When I inquired if there was anything particular: an incident, a person that had triggered this sadness, he said nothing had happened.
“I just feel sad for no reason.”
His whimper turned into sobs and my heart broke at the sight of it. He had been initially reluctant to name the feeling. But I told him that it was ok to feel sad, even if there was no reason. That sometimes feelings just rise up like a wave and take over us. That the best thing to do was not resist it or pretend it’s not happening, but let it flow through, so it can be felt and then released.
I stopped trying to fix it, resisting the urge to make him feel better or to lecture about how late his bedtime had become. But simply held him close while he cried, letting the wave wash over him. To simply witness his feelings and continue to love him through it was clearly what he needed most.
He had been, we all had been, muscling through the transitions of moving back into an apartment that was still under construction, settling into a new school year and having little rest over holiday-filled weekends. His body and nerves had gone into overdrive; his tough armor had to crack.
Allowing himself to be vulnerable gave him the space to express all the frustration and feelings around the transitions we were facing so that he could start the next day with a clean slate.
We have to exhale to inhale. To let go to receive. To crumble a little bit, to be built up again. Part of letting go is allowing one to be, and to feel.
Where in your life does it feel like you’re ‘muscling through’ right now? Is it possible to soften the armor so that there is space to feel and breathe fully? Is there a space within which or a person with whom you can fully let go?
My hope it that we all can let ourselves be a bit more vulnerable and also have someone trusted and loved to hold us when the time comes to let our guard down. Back-to-school, or back to work, may require us to have some thick skin and discipline. But be sure to create space for more hugs and listening and less lecturing.
Here’s to holding space for vulnerability to happen during this season of transitions.
images: tinybuddha.com (inner child), tranquilmonkey.com (holding space), just_shot_of_jameson/instagram (“LOVE” sculpture, Alexander Milov
Pose of the Month: Bow Pose (Dhanurasana)
Imagine you are a bow – arms strong and steady like the bowstring.
Bow pose opens the heart center by stretching the shoulders and chest.
Lie on your belly. Bend your knees and “catch” one foot on the outside of your ankle with your hand, and then the other. Roll shoulders back and as you breathe in slowly rise up in the feet, legs and chest until your balancing on your belly. Hold the pose for 2-3 good breaths, maybe even rocking back and forth like a rocking horse. Then slowly lower down and rest.
Have patience with yourself if at first you feel you can’t lift up too high off the ground. Opening in such a way can feel vulnerable at first, and difficult, but ease up in your effort, take your time and see if on your exhale you can lift up a little higher each breath. Maybe try one leg at a time, too.
Let Bow Pose be a practice in softening when things feel difficult.
photo: B Blumenfeld
Family Mindfulness Practice: Sleep Well Ritual
Bedtime can be a tricky subject for most families. There might be resistance, or over-tiredness or even sleeplessness. Some experience FOMO (fear of missing out); a feeling that the world is too interesting to sleep through it.
Regardless of the obstacles a good night’s sleep is essential to our growth and development. When we sleep our body has a chance to recharge energy spent from the day before and our cells and mind have the space to process what was experienced throughout the day. That’s why so much lip-service is paid to it around back-to-school time.
Bedtime routines can help with the transition from the movement of the day into the stillness of sleep
. Incorporating yoga and mindfulness techniques into your routine can help with the process.
This
4-part practice can benefit both kid and parent and is a great way to
connect after a long day apart, or
reset after a long day together.
Movement
Get the wiggles out. Have a freeze dance to your favorite song, pausing every once in a while to hold a pose. Make sure to “freeze” at least 3-5 times. Dancing is fun and can help expend that last bit of energy leftover for the day’s activities.
Stretching
Crescent Pose (Side Stretch with arms reaching upward) – lengthens the side body and encourages deeper breaths. Stretch upward and to the right for 3 steady breaths, and then up and over to the left for 3 steady breaths. Return back to center.
Waterfall (Forward Bend over straight legs) – stretches the back body and sends calming signals to the nervous system. Keep knees soft, hang arms and head over legs like a waterfall cascading over a cliff, remain in pose for 5 deep breaths. Then slowly roll-up.
Breathing
We spend most of the day breathing short, shallow breaths.
When we take the time to breathe deeply, we use the full capacity of the lungs and allow for deeper absorption of oxygen into the body, which can revitalize the muscles, improve digestion and bring clarity to the mind.
Sitting in bed or on floor, put one hand on belly and the other on your heart and feel the rhythm of your breath. After a few cycles, start to deepen your breath filling belly then chest, then release chest and belly draws in (think navel to spine for full exhalation). Breathe 3-5 deep breaths to help slow the body down and relax the nervous system.
Breathing in: “I am calm”, breathing out: “I relax.” Saying these mantras aloud or silently to yourself can help set your intention for rest.
Try practicing back-to-back with a partner. It is a nice way to connect, plus you’ll provide a backrest for each other! This is a good time to also share things that went well during your day, and things that didn't go so well.
Stillness
Finally lay on your bed, first bend the knees to chest and give yourself a big hug.
You may also want to give your loved one a hug. Then stretch your legs down and arms long by your side. Squeeze your leg & feet muscles, making fists in your hands and face: breathe in and hold everything tightly for a moment, then exhale out a sigh and let it all relax.
Repeat that one more time tense-relax to release any remaining tension in the body. Notice the waves of breath flowing in and out. (For little ones, you can place a stuffed animal toy on their belly and they can watch it ride the breath). Observe the waves of your breath transform from an ocean to a calm lake.
Let any thoughts or worries drift through your mind like clouds in the sky reflected in your lake: take note of them and then let them go. Settle into sleep.
If short on time you can choose two of the four activities to practice. Alternate the activities each day if variety works better for your little one.
My hope is that by incorporating even brief moments of yoga and mindfulness into your bedtime routine your transition into bed will be a smoother one and your rest much deeper. Sweet Dreams!
photo: Longview Acupuncture (family sleep), namastekid.com (cresent pose), parade.com (waterfall pose), KidsYogaStoires (deep breathing), eyeni.info (back to back breathing), Penfield Children’s Center (resting pose)
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