Last week, I sat in my living room up to my elbow in a bag of lime Tostitos. Over the next few days, I would watch the hearings while eating a frozen burrito with cheese, a bowl of spaghetti Bolognese (and a second bowl of leftovers the next day), a slice of cranberry bread, half a pint of Häagen-Dazs, and bagels—so many bagels—smeared heavily with cream cheese.
I wanted to feel the weight of the food in my stomach. To be blunted by carbs, fat, and sugar. To do whatever I damn well pleased no matter how self-destructive it was.
I watched my Twitter feed set itself on fire with seething anger. Women cried, screamed, vowed to riot. But I wasn’t feeling my anger yet. I was feeling small and unheard and brushed aside. I felt like any power I thought I’d had in the world was an illusion. As if people just let me believe that I mattered because it would keep me quiet and satisfied.
We can scream about our pain. We can bare our souls for all the world to gawk at. We can be braver than we ever imagined we could be. And we will be met with cold indifference. Women do not matter. That was my takeaway from the hearings.
I cannot imagine how terrified Dr. Christine Blasey Ford was last week. She and her family received death threats and had to move. Her email was hacked. She was bombarded by reporters at her workplace. Yet, she still got on the world's stage and spoke her truth. She spoke from her head and her heart. She was composed and courageous — and inspired so many survivors to tell their stories.
We heard a lot of senators tell Dr. Ford they believed her. Even the President called her a credible witness (only to mock her testimony a few days later). But here's the thing: It shouldn't be up to us to "believe" Dr. Ford — or any other woman who came forward. "Believe" makes it sound like we're taking it on faith without any proof as if it's a religion.
It's not a matter of belief; it's a matter of trust. We should trust women to tell their own stories and to be worthy of the investigation when they tell us that they were harmed. We should trust that women's bone-chilling stories of sexual assault are valid. And in turn, survivors should trust us to listen to their stories — but really listen, not just sitting there as our eyes gloss over.
I started to see some light over the weekend. There was an investigation. There would be knowable facts. Maybe all those men were finally listening to women. But then something small, but so telling happened. I was on the subway a few days ago, and some dude tried to AirDrop me a picture of his testicles.
He didn't know who I was, but he saw my open AirDrop and wanted to embarrass and harass some woman—any woman. I wish I had stood up and screamed. I wish I had called him out and embarrassed him on his way to work. I wish had been like one of those badass women who stopped Senator Flake in the elevator and demanded their voices to be heard. But I didn't. I closed the request and seethed silently.
I am tired of feeling small. I want us all to take up room, talk out loud, and refuse to be frozen, silenced, or unheard.
I don’t want to be pacified, or told I matter just to keep me in line. I want to ACTUALLY MATTER.
That is the key to The Big Life. I matter. You matter. Women matter.
How are you doing? I'm here if you want to talk.
XOXO
— A.
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Help a Sister Out
I have AMAZING NEWS! I had the honor of hosting one of The Big Life Dinners for Good Morning America to talk about #MeToo: One Year Later. What are the conversations we’re having in private and where do we go from here?
The segment is slated to air on 10/15 and (here’s the part where I need YOUR help) I would love it if you’d host — and 'gram — your own dinner that night. We want women across the country to have the same conversation that I had on air.
So, who’s in for dinner? Email me and I’ll send you the new dinner guide and other fun details! Psst.. anyone who signs up early will get some social media love from GMA!
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IN OTHER BADASS BABES NEWS...
BORN THIS WAY
It's been ten years since Lady Gaga broke onto the scene (can you believe that?), but do we know who she really is? Is she the eclectic diva who wears meat dresses and hatches from eggs on the red carpet? Is she the serious actress as she appears to be in A Star is Born? Who knows. But Gaga knows we're here for the show and, damn, is she showing it!
Lady Gaga's career is a masterclass in control. We see her as she wants to be seen. And that’s a powerful lesson: Make the world see you as you want to be seen. Strong. Creative. Ambitious. Excellent. Capable. Strategic. Shit together. It's okay if you feel vulnerable, scared, and like your life is a total mess, but don’t let that be the story the world tells about you. Make them sing your praise, full-throated, like the diva YOU are.
LIVING YOUR BEST LIFE
Who doesn't have a girl crush on Tracee Ellis Ross? The Blackish star is the only "fashion person" I want to follow these days because she's always having fun. Tracee doesn't waste time dwelling on what others think about her; she puts on another amazing dress, lives her best life, and uses her platform for causes that are important to her. She doesn't have a partner or kids, and is totally okay with that. She is comfortable with who she is — full stop. Or "happily single" as she put it in her InStyle interview.
This is the woman we all want to be when we grow up. Steady on her own two feet. Comfortable with her own company. Aware of her Fury (did you see her TED Talk?). And saying something substantive rather than hiding behind a smile.
BTW: This newsletter started from a series of conversations at my dinner table (dinner may be overselling...it was fancy frozen pizza and many bottles of rosé). Each dinner was a group of about 6 or so, friends of a friend of a friend, who came together to trade notes, offer support and share insider secrets. I called them the Badass Babes because they were the kind of girls anyone would want to be—confident, rule breaking, game changing. The conversations were so revelatory that I wanted to broaden the sisterhood and connect with young women everywhere. And so here we are. So glad you could join us!
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