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My Fall has been completely different from my summer. Every single thing that could go wrong, went wrong. Finances, university, family, etc., even my personal relationship with God was affected. Sadly, I took my eyes off Jesus, it seemed like I forgot each one of his promises and eventually, I fell into depression. I still attended school and performed really well, no trace of depression, but once I was back home, it all felt overwhelming again. If you have ever dealt with depression you would know what it is like feeling emotionally numb, anxious, desperate, and having those crazy thoughts. However, there is one thing that I have always been thankful for with God: His unfailing love and faithfulness.
Even in all that darkness, the only thing I desired and wished for, was for God to take me out of all of it. I was trying to do it on my own, you know, just be positive but it did not work out. After a good conversation with my pastor from NJ and my mentor/ spiritual mother, and countless days of I-don't-feel-your-presence-God, I was reminded of all the things that God has done for me, I was able to remember His love, that He has plans for me, I was reminded of how valuable I am. I did not know how much I missed feeling his tangible presence until I was able to taste it again. After all of it, I was reminded that He helped me to stand on my feet during the time that I spent in Albania, in India, and after one close friend passed away. He was, He is and He will be there whether I am happy or in darkness.
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Now the happy part of the story...
Little by little and day after day, God has been helping me to get out of my depression. I did not know the Bible could be so useful for this. I mean, I know it is powerful, but you know, I've got to experience the healing power of the words written on the Bible. Verses such as Philippians 4:8 "Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise" are more than positivism or pretty words to frame in your living room.
I had a new job! yes, one of the reasons why I felt depressed the most was my finances. What? You? the one with the biggest faith to cross the Atlantic twice? Yes, me. I had bills to pay, school loans/ debts, etc., and no money in my pocket. I do not need to really explain how I felt because I think you all have experienced it at least once in life. Nevertheless, after a year being jobless I saw that job opportunity as His provision. I liked my job for the first week, I had to plan and make things happen. However, the next two weeks were terrible, I received responsibilities that had not been talked about, I had to work 24/7 because of the company phone. I could not sleep or eat because of the stress. After so many days crying and praying and seeking counseling from my family and other close friends, I found a word in Ecclesiastes 2:22-23. My payment was not worth my time and all the sleepless night, pain, stress, and anxiousness. Finally, I decided to quit, and right after that, I received a phone call... an opportunity to work as an interpreter. What I really love! It is not an everyday job, they just call me when they need me but in the relation time/money this job is way better than the last one. Honestly, I do not think God was late. I just needed time to learn how to be a human being who trusts Him and who learns what matters in life. I really thought that He should add all things to me so I would seek Him. No way! I needed to seek His kingdom, His will, His face and then things would start falling into place.
Now, university. I was so upset because we went to strike. We are not having classes and only God knows for how long, there are also chances that the semester gets canceled. It was really upsetting, I mean, this situation messed up all my plans. However, three weeks ago, I went to my university and prayed there. Now I feel peace. The problem is not solved yet but I chose to trust God. I have been so focused on just finishing school that I forgot about looking around and enjoying the good things that God was doing. I forgot about focusing on what really matters. Now I am still going through that process of listening to the voice of God and refocusing on the things He spoke and that I have forgotten, and paying attention to those details that make a world of difference.
You know, I never thought that I could go through times like this, where I could forget what I learned during the past years and neither that I could share them in a newsletter. However, I don't want to pretend that everything is perfect, that I have such an unwavering faith, I never thought of being able to be and feel so human. But you know, I feel free, there is no expectation to keep up, there is nothing to hide. It is me with all my strengths and weakness. I am learning that If I really want to receive true and honest prayers I cannot pretend that everything is good. That if I really want to reflect the work of God in my life, I cannot pretend that a have a flawless life because His power is made perfect in my weaknesses, and it is in the midst of all these hardships that you, I and the world will see how powerful and amazing is the God that I serve.
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