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CUE THE NEXT TEACUP STORM
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The All Blacks last played at Twickenham in 2014 and anyone who remembers that test will know how influential the London crowd can be on windy officials.
 
It wasn’t just the cacophonous booing they reacted with that day when Sam Whitelock dived on an unattended ball at the base of an English ruck behind the goal line, prompting the TMO to disallow his perfectly legal play... or an equally suspect penalty try awarded to England in the final minutes which flattered the home side with a mere three point deficit instead of what should have been a far more accurate 14-24... most ridiculous incident that night was the conversion to Charlie Faumuina’s try being interrupted by Nigel Owens when the crowd set up a chorus of aggrieved wailing in response to the big screen replays.
 
Mistaking the painted line of an in-goal advertisement for the actual goal line and thinking Faumuina had come up short, some Leyland Princess-driving rubes expressed their outrage. Forty thousand weak chins joined the filthy din and Owens began to doubt himself. He delayed the game for what seemed an age, calling his touchies over for a sideline conference which caused a lot of multi-lingual confusion until Richie McCaw strolled over to interrupt their babble and point out the obvious.
 
This test was actually one of the watershed moments in the relationship between Steve Hansen and the rugby public. Stating unequivocally that “television producers replaying something a hundred times is not in the character or spirit of our game,” he expressed what many of us had been thinking for a long time. Hearing it directly from his lips had some of us out of our chairs fist-pumping. Previously he’d just been the guy who fixed the All Blacks’ lineout and mumbled a lot.
 
Missing from the England squad that night was Chris Ashton. Dropped after the disastrous tour of New Zealand earlier in the year, he wasn’t exactly missed and the Twickenham test of 2014 was when Jonny May formally staked a claim for cult hero status. Turning Conrad Smith and Israel Dagg inside out for the opening try then celebrating with a simple fist pump, May impressed even me. Then again, any English try celebration would be preferable to Ashton’s trademark bellyflop, fleshy bum prominent.
 
After being dropped in 2014 Ashton spent four years sabotaging his own chances of re-selection, hampered not just by oversized glutes but also three bans... ten weeks for eye-gouging, thirteen weeks for biting and seven for a tip tackle... but Eddie Jones somehow dragged the dunny and came up with a gold brick when he chose to start him against the All Blacks on Saturday.
 
England 15 All Blacks 16
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZHc256tf2w
 
Less than two minutes after Brodie Retallick fumbled the kick-off, halfback Ben Youngs saw how far infield Rieko Ioane had been sucked by English ball-carriers and curled a magnificent looping pass Ashton’s way. Luckily his five yard headstart left the winger only enough space to waddle his way to the line with the ball under the wrong arm, not for one of his hideous signature dives.
 
Not much later, after a neat Owen Farrell droppie and a Dylan Hartley try from a wonderfully precise lineout drive, England led 15-0 and the Twickenham grandstands were shaking. The All Blacks looked like their last meal before flying out of Tokyo had been one of those poisonous endangered species of fish the Japanese love so much, incorrectly prepared.
 
Eddie Jones was a fair halfback in his day who knows that one of the keys to disrupting a team with well-drilled forwards and a lethal backline is focusing on the link between them. He instructed his loose forwards Sam Underhill and Brad Shields to make Aaron Smith’s life hell and they did a bang up job. Much of England’s early lead could be attributed to continuity whereas the visitors, uncharacteristically, were suffering badly from a failure to string phases together.
 
Knowing his team needed to make every opportunity count, Kieran Read was faced with a tough decision four minutes out from half-time when the All Blacks were awarded a kickable penalty. Any points at all would have been handy in the circumstances and there would have been a sagely nodding consensus of warm flat beer drinkers in hardly cheap seats assuming he’d hand Beauden Barrett the ball for an easy three. He called for a scrum instead, eye-balling English captain Hartley as he did so.
 
Hartley and his front row cohorts tried in vain to disrupt that All Black scrum and as the ball went right the English flankers and five-eighths tried in vain to stop Ryan Crotty getting over the gain line. Now in the shadow of their own goalposts, a few of the better English tacklers did manage to stop the long series of short range charges which followed, but when Barrett drifted left and the English midfielders took his bait there was a gaping hole for fullback Damian McKenzie to waltz through and score.
 
It was the match’s first turning point. The All Blacks had suddenly rediscovered their ability to extend a phase count and immediately battered their way into the English red zone again, forcing another penalty two minutes after the halftime siren. This time Read pointed at the uprights without even looking at the scoreboard and Barrett obliged with the straight shot, reducing the English lead to a manageable five. He kicked another penalty in the second half, along with his first dropped goal in test rugby, giving New Zealand control of proceedings with twenty minutes remaining.
 
The All Blacks were a different team in the second half. Their defensive line was seldom broken and they began to bend the English one regularly. Their territorial kicking also improved and while this is never enough in itself it is of tremendous importance at Twickenham, where the English like to make their defence of the touchlines a point of honour.
 
After his opening fumble Retallick was having yet another insanely high standard night, carrying and tackling as tirelessly as any forward in rugby and shunting bodies off ruck ball better than all of them. With a bloodhound’s nose for exploitable weaknesses he watched Hartley sub off to be replaced as lineout thrower by Jamie George, then began to show the now vulnerable English lineout no mercy.
 
It didn’t matter whether the All Blacks were plugging the corners themselves or defending deep in their own half, Retallick put constant pressure on Maro Itoje at lineout time. Studying the big man’s footwork and assessing his leap to be too passively vertical, he watched George’s unsubtle wind-up out of the corner of his eye and intercepted three of his throws in succession by launching himself into the spare yard of space Itoje wasn’t using.
 
Of all the highly over-rated international locks to be exposed by Retallick, Itoje is just the most recent. I suggest all you venture capitalists investing with Nigerian princes reply to their follow-up emails with a complaint about not enough of your funds being allocated to basic lineout coaching.
 
With only a one-point lead, every turnover of possession had big implications and the failure of the English lineout after Hartley’s departure had the biggest. You’d not know it from a perusal of the better known axe-grinding English journalists’ match reviews of course, while there’s every indication they’ll be revisiting one of the game’s late rulings until these teams meet again, probably in next year’s World Cup semifinal.
 
With five minutes remaining, England increasingly desperate and the All Blacks seeming to be in little trouble defending their narrow lead, replacement halfback TJ Perenara was poised to kick from the base of an All Black ruck. Twice looking up to see giant Courtney Lawes preparing to charge his clearance, for some reason he chose to take two big strides towards him before aiming his punt straight at Lawes’ midriff. It wasn’t even close to clearing him and the ball ricocheted straight down before bouncing straight up.
 
In a panic, Perenara then contested the bounce with Scott Barrett and only managed to prevent him bringing it under control. It fell into the arms of Underhill, who proceeded to humiliate Beauden Barrett with an in-out swerve to make the corner flag easily.
 
Jolly good show, what? I say old chap, pass the sherry.
 
Not so fast. Up in the TMO booth was South African Marius Jonker, who’d watched in horror last week as Angus Gardner and his once-compatriate but now Irish colleague Olly Hodges made a mockery of the tackling laws to deny Handre Pollard a shot at goal that might have improved the Springboks’ average record in London.
 
With the crowd still celebrating Underhill’s fine finish, Jonker ruled Lawes offside and put the widest angle onscreen to show him a yard in front of all the other English defenders.
 
Just like a set of Venetian blinds with one slat crooked, he stood out clearly. Upon closer examination and once Ofa Tu’ungafasi’s boot had been identified as where the hindmost foot of the ruck was, Lawes was as clearly offside as anyone ever penalised... or not penalised, for that matter... but the fact remains that he was like a boil on the backside in relation to his team-mates and that’s what Jonker probably based his decision on, not the vindictive motives assigned him by Fleet Street’s least objective kneejerkers.
 
This video includes the full incident including almost the entire conversation between officials, with the conclusion-jumping and subsequent kvetching of Stuart Barnes as a bonus.
 
Courtney Lawes offside / chargedown
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3j7F9tzn14
 
I’d say New Zealand was overdue for one of these Twickenham moments to go their way if the All Blacks had played more tests there of late. English fans might see it differently but we’ll just have to live with their disappointment. Personally, given some of the past travesties I’ve witnessed at what they like to call The Home of Rugby, their chagrin has become like mint on the lamb of my enjoyment.

Until next week,
Inky remains at your service.
 
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