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Hello from the house of pox! My youngest has suspected chickenpox and definite infected eczema, which means my bath is full of oats, my hands constantly smell of calamine lotion and my days currently start at 4am. Hurrah!

Hope your week is going well.

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Robyn x
YOU CAN HAVE KIDS EVEN IF YOU SUCK AT ADULTING
Illustration: Naomi Wilkinson
 

Here’s a secret: I am an idiot. Objectively an idiot. I am terminally disorganised, I can only cook about four things, I can’t find my way around a map and I’m generally the sort of person who everyone moves all the drinks away from when she sits down, lest she upend everything with an errant gesticulation.


In fact, one of the reasons I left it so late to have my kids (at 38 and three days shy of 42, respectively) is because I assumed I’d grow out of this idiocy. That, at some point, I’d stop counting on my fingers and exclusively wearing trainers and magically transform into someone with a capsule wardrobe and five-year plan – and that I should probably wait until then to make “big” decisions.

Obviously, this didn’t happen. Obviously, the decades of my life flipped away like calendar pages in a black-and-white film and, by the time I realised that I’d probably always be the sort of person who accidentally grills cakes instead of baking them, I was in my late thirties.


In the end, I got married and had kids anyway. And not to someone who was wildly different from me. Although he’s levelheaded and a far more accomplished cook, my husband is still the sort of person who listens to French jazz and invests in Kickstarter projects at the weekend, rather than, say, working with wood or participating in team sports. 

Despite this, we’ve somehow produced two relatively well-rounded children. Granted, they’re young, so there’s still plenty of time to arse it all up, but for now they’re fed, secure, contented and curious, and I have no idea how we pulled it off.

You see, I have a blueprint in my mind for the ideal parent. It’s someone who’s nurturing and compassionate, but also inspiring and great in a crisis. A cross between Mary Poppins, Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society and Bear Grylls. Essentially, the person you’d want to be around come the apocalypse.

“My husband listens to French jazz at the weekend, rather than, say, working with wood or participating in team sports”
 
Neither my husband nor I are that person. Come the apocalypse, we would have nothing to offer, unless it was a very specific kind of apocalypse where mankind’s last hope was a perfectly chewy meringue (my husband) or a brainless listicle about cheese (me).

But I’m starting to believe this blueprint is wrong. Firstly, because adulthood isn’t something you arrive at fully formed; it’s a constantly evolving process. It’s evolution; adaptation in response to change.

This is no more obvious than when I compare how green and simple we were when parenting was new to us. Back then, we didn’t know about silent reflux, or how boys and girls have different nappies, or how The Happiest Baby On The Block DVD would haunt our dreams for years to come.

After almost four years of parenting, though, I am a nappy wizard. And more things are changing. My husband recently bit the bullet, passed his driving test and bought a family car, which is not only handy, but also feels very grown-up.

And I put together a flatpack desk this weekend. Fine, it doesn’t sound as impressive, but it was my first-ever flatpack. I bought it, unpacked it and frowned at the instructions, as is tradition. Then, armed with an Allen key and an electric screwdriver (and after only a brief pause, when someone had to explain the difference between the two), I built the thing. And it is solid. It is level. It is unequivocally a desk. I have done an adequate job and I couldn’t be prouder of myself.

I’m so glad that past-me didn’t sit around, waiting for adulthood to arrive on my doorstep. It turns out adulting, whether that’s raising a baby, clearing out the gutter or doing your taxes, isn’t something you have to do confidently – or competently, at first. You just have to do it, however you can, until it sticks. The learning comes with practice.  

You probably knew all this already. But, like I say, I’m just an idiot.
 
LISTOCRACY
9 times potty-training went very, very wrong
The road to toilet competency is paved with mortifying episodes of unstoppable, inappropriate – and often public – pooing.
1

My daughter squeezed out a poo behind a clothes rack in a high-street shop. Didn’t know what to do, so I popped the poo in my handbag and made a hasty exit.

2
I thought “kid mistakes showroom toilet for actual loo” was an urban myth until my own son started screaming for toilet paper while I was walking around B&Q.
3
Son came running out of my grandparents’ toilet with his pants dangling from one ankle. “LOOK AT ME, MUMMY, I’M BEING A FLAG!” Visiting vicar was not amused.
4
Congratulated my daughter for her very first poo on the potty. She celebrated by removing the poo and, very genteelly, licking it.
5
Son pooed in his hands in the street, then tried to stuff the poo into a dog-poo bin.
6
At the school gates, one mum said, “Is that ... your son?” Turned round to see youngest with his pants down, dancing in puddles of his own wee.
7
I have found out the hard way that you cannot completely remove poo handprints from white walls.
8
My son did a poo in the woods without warning. I wiped his bum with a leaf and covered the poo with some sticks. Some friends of mine saw it, but we all pretended that nothing had happened until their dog tried to eat it.
9
We are now banned from Santa’s grotto after my daughter shouted “emergency” then did a wee in Santa’s boot.
WISHLIST
Felt Christmas decorations
Handmade Felt Koala
Handmade Fancies Store, £6.50
There is a certain amount of stress that comes with watching your devil-may-care offspring being cavalier with glass ornaments at Christmas time. Eliminate the danger and up the Hygge factor by hanging these cute koalas on your tree.
Pine Forest Wreath
Anthropologie, £68
Muted, Nordic and unlikely to wither on your front door with the first frost, this felted wreath features berries, acorns and white blossoms. Not On The High Street also does a bolder, cheaper version.
Llama Pom Pom White Felt Fairy Lights
Paperchase, £12
What’s better than fairy lights? Llama fairy lights, of course, and preferably ones where the llamas are wearing jaunty pink scarves. And these ones have pompoms on. Your first step to a fabulous tree.
HACK OF THE WEEK
Easy candy Christmas trees
Turn ready-made ice-cream cones upside down and get your kids to cover them in icing and edible glitter. Ta-dah! Easy, “no bake” candy Christmas trees.
 
Got a hack? Hit me up on email, Twitter or Instagram.
INTERVIEW
The single foster dad
Gareth K Thomas, 33, runs his own marketing agency and is a single foster carer to two boys, aged nine and 11, and a little girl who’s five. They all live together, along with a black Lab named Charlie, in Cardiff, South Wales.
 

“Single foster dad” isn’t a title I hear often...

Yep, there aren’t many of us about! I’ve only ever been interested in doing what I think would work. I’m not too bothered by social norms or what “should” happen in life. I’ve never worried about marriage, but raising children was something I’ve always wanted to do.

 

How did you get into fostering?
I began volunteering with children in 2012 and almost instantly realised how much I loved it. At first, I applied for adoption – successfully – then switched to fostering once I had a better understanding of the whole care system. The kids have now been with me for 18 months and are all doing incredibly well.

 

What’s an average day like at your house, then?

No two days are the same, although routine plays a huge role when it comes to providing stability for the kids – and sanity for me! During the week, we tend to be very busy with school and after-school activities. The weekends are a little more free-form and we can usually be found out walking somewhere, going swimming or, more often than not, at a birthday party.

We’re all quite active, with lots of sports, dog walks, holidays and other adventures. A few extra hours in each day would be appreciated!


If anyone’s interested in fostering, what should be their first port of call?

Your local authority should be able to signpost you. Generally speaking, you can either foster directly with them or with a private agency. I decided to go with the latter based on recommendations from friends who had done both, but I know plenty of people who are very happy with either option.
 

Do you have any tips for caring for three kids?

Eat well; sleep well. I’ve believed in that for a long time and even more so since the kids arrived. It’s good advice in general, but when things are getting tough, I make sure we have the best possible food to eat (not necessarily “healthy”, but fresh, home-cooked and delicious) and make sure we’re all getting enough quality sleep. Eating well and sleeping well have the power to start turning everything around.

 

What has the process of fostering taught you?

Too many things to list and I’m continuing to learn every day. I’m certainly much more aware of the world outside of my own bubble now. And I feel a huge amount of gratitude for so many things I hadn’t even considered before, especially for the childhood I was lucky enough to experience.

 

Ultimately, it’s taught me how powerful love can be. It helps you deal with the lows in life and to survive complete exhaustion.

 

And what have you found surprising?

That there continues to be a huge shortage of foster carers. For me, it’s honestly the dream job. I get to change the lives of three people, by running about like a kid again, going away camping and just living the best possible life we can. Who wouldn’t want to do that?

Gareth K Thomas
VIDEO: BOLD LIPS FOR BUSY PEOPLE
Episode one of my Grown Up’s Guide To Make-Up
THE PANEL
Real parents brainstorm your problems
Q. Help! My seven-month-old wakes five times a night.
A. Rebecca Schiller: author, journalist, campaigner and sometime doula
I hear you! It is so hard (though super normal) when babies keep you awake half the night. You have two options. Go with it and it will pass – I promise. Try to expect less of yourself when tired; nap in the day and share the load with your partner if you have one. Co-sleeping sometimes helps. 

Or try some sleep-training if it feels OK for your family. But try hard not to wear yourself out further trying to fix their sleep with endless tactics. Support and going easy on yourself is key. 

A. Philippa Perry: psychotherapist, Red magazine’s agony aunt and author of The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (out March 2019) 
Babies often cry in the night often because they want company and loneliness is not good for them. My recommendation is to co-sleep. Then, when they wake up, they are less likely to work themselves up into a panic if you are lying next to them, so it can be less stressful for everyone.

My mantra is “go with what works in the present and the future is more likely to look after itself”. I am not a fan of sleep-training because, although they may give up calling for help, it is not necessarily because they feel soothed, only that they have given up, so there is a possibility that they remain stressed, which is not good for them. It’s not a risk I would take.

If you really can’t bear the the thought of co-sleeping or are otherwise uncomfortable with it, I recommend Darcia F Narvaez’s article on “sleep-nudging”. Unlike sleep-training, this is where you encourage your child to separate within their comfort zone and not outside it, so the kid doesn’t get over-stressed. It takes longer than sleep training, but it is kinder.

In the meantime, I am really sorry you must be so knackered – this phase will not last forever; it just seems like that. 
 
Need advice? Ask our panel via email, Twitter or Instagram.
3AM READS
Food for thought through the night feeds
Good news, everyone! The NHS is launching mental-health checks for new dads. • Fellow mum and journalist Georgina Fuller alerted me to the stocking-filler wonderland that is Toys For A Pound (delivery is just £2.99!). • P Is For Pterodactyl, the self-proclaimed “world’s worst alphabet book”, has unexpectedly become a New York Times bestseller. • Fascinating: the women who pilot drones. • A profile of Instagram star Andreea Cristina Bolbea and how she deals with stalkers. • A rare behind-the-scenes photo of the Teletubbies! • Did you know Sainsbury’s is labelling its shelves so it’s easier to donate to food banks? • Here’s what The Pool’s kids will be wearing this Christmas (sponsored by Lindex). • Sign up to the Domestic Sluttery email for fashion, food and home goodies in your inbox. • And finally, snuggle up, because here’s the best stuff coming to Netflix this month. You’re welcome.
HAVE A GREAT WEEK!
And remember...
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