Got Holiday Stress? Strategize
(Excerpted from the Couples Holiday Stress Prevention Guide by couple therapists Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Peter Pearson, with their permission to share this information.)

Are Your Expectations for the Holidays Unrealistic? 
Use These Two Mindset Tools to Shift Your Expectations

Ah, Sisyphus, the legendary rock roller from Greek mythology. He was forever doomed to push the boulder up the mountain only to have it roll back. Again and again. Sisyphus may have been the original example of insanity. You’ve probably heard that definition: Insanity is doing the same darn thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

But you are different. Because you are going to stop pushing your rock this holiday season. Here’s one rock so many people push. It’s the rock of unrealistic expectations. Especially the expectations we place on others. 

We hope our partner will finally give us the perfect gift, our adult siblings will refrain from teasing us at the dinner table, Uncle Al will stay sober through the evening, and Mom and Dad will give us some unconditional acceptance. 

You think it’s not too much to hope for. But alas, just like Sisyphus, you never get the rock of expectations to the mountaintop. Even if you could get it to the top, it wouldn’t stay there. However, this year CAN be different for you. It takes a little mental judo. Shift your focus.

First. Expect nothing will be different this year. Expect family will continue to be who they are and do what they do. And, expect that no matter how hard you try, you cannot get your family to conform to your hopes. They simply do what they do and will likely continue their distressing and disturbing habits. They’re pushing their own rocks.

Your family cannot reform you. Yes, you do things that annoy them and they wish you would quit. But if you change, you will do it in your time and your way. The same is true for them!

Second. Think about four things you feel grateful about. Burn them into your memory. Know them so well that if I called you at 3:00 a.m. you would be able to recite them without difficulty. After cursing me for waking you, go back to sleep. Then, when you begin to feel distressed because your family is not doing your bidding, start recalling your gratitude list. Your focus will change and your feelings will follow. Will this work? Yes, your brain can only consciously focus on one thing at a time. It can shift rapidly back and forth between many different things. But it focuses on only one thing at a time.

Managing Stressful Conversations During the Holidays

You’ve probably experienced something similar to these conversations at one of your many gatherings: Are you ready to tackle Aunt Martha’s searing comments about your weight? Perhaps you’re caught off guard by zingers from a supporter of the “other” political party. Or, you’re stuck in a conversation with the brother-in-law who criticizes everybody for something—and you for everything   . . .

Three new ways you can divert these conversations are:
Solution 1: Ask for help.  First, ask for help in order to deflect an unpleasant conversation: Let’s say you just received a criticism or provocation about – anything. You simply reply, “That’s interesting, but first I could use your help with . . . [fill in the blank]. Would you help me?” It could be setting the table, stirring something on the stove or cleaning something up. This is especially good if you are feeling overwhelmed.

Here’s why it works: it’s a “brain hack.” Most people like to feel needed, and the request shifts the critical person from the judgmental part of their brain to the supportive part of their brain.

Solution 2: Ask for advice. This is a helpful variation. To the person who offered a criticism or provocation, simply say, “That’s interesting, but if I could shift topics for a minute, I would like to get your advice about…[insert your question here].” The advice could be about anything from how to make gravy that isn’t lumpy or getting stains out of carpets to how they deal with leftovers . . . This approach hacks their brain and moves them from negativity to the region that requires thinking. And most people feel good about being asked for advice.

Solution 3: Redirect. First, recall Sisyphus from Greek mythology. He was condemned to repeat forever the same meaningless task of pushing a boulder up a mountain, getting close to the top only to see it roll down again. Maybe that’s how you currently approach those holiday conversations, for example, when Aunt Martha says, “So sweetie, I understand Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers have new programs especially designed for those holiday temptations.”

If you choose to follow the steps of Sisyphus, you will try to change how Aunt Martha thinks about your size. You start with data showing the limitations of these programs. That doesn’t quiet her. So next you tell Aunt Martha that you are working at accepting and loving yourself the way you are. You ignore aunt Martha’s plastic smile and keep pushing the boulder up the mountain. You think you can stop Aunt Martha from setting your goals – for your life. “Good luck,” says Sisyphus.

What is your escape hatch? You won’t need therapy for this one. You can do something Sisyphus could not. Stop pushing that wretched boulder up the mountain.

In other words, stop believing you can quiet aunt Martha’s criticisms. Instead, you can diplomatically redirect Aunt Martha by saying, “You bet, holidays are filled with all kinds of surprises. What are your favorite holidays?” With that simple statement and question, you stop pushing that rock up the mountain. You will be controlling the direction of the conversation. You are using the tools of a skilled diplomat. You have finessed the criticism. Then exhale. There is even a slight possibility you could have a pleasant brief conversation with her. And go get another appetizer . . .

To holiday-proof your relationship, Bader and Pearson also suggest a weekly check-in time with your partner to purposefully plan activities, make decisions about who is responsible for which tasks, and anticipate scheduling issues for the coming week. Of course, I agree. Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love tells you just how to hold a weekly meeting with your partner that fosters intimacy, romance, teamwork, and smoother resolution of challenges.

Thank you, Drs.Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson for creating and sharing these and more tips in their Couples Holiday Stress Prevention Guide. [Copyright 2017-2018. All Rights Reserved. The Couples Institute www.couplesinstitute.com]