A battle, a pub and a DILF

D.I.L.F by Hollie McNish

Jim Carrey discussing a gig where he "battled" an audience:

"I was messed up going in. I'd watched a Brando, Connie Chung interview and he just had no, no concern for the world. I went to the Comedy Store with the express idea of getting in a war with the crowd. And I did. I stayed for two hours because the hate was coming in giant waves and I just couldn't acquiesce, I couldn't lose the fight. So I stayed up until about two hours later I said I was leaving, to a standing ovation. They loved it because they were just 'AAARRRGGGGH' and then I left the stage and I crawled through the crowd and jumped up behind the piano and began to sing: 'I hate you all, you gave me cancer.' And the whole audience left, except for five people who stood around the piano and said: 'You are a god.' And I took the compliment, got back in the car and drove home and cried all the way."

Last Orders by Johnny Vegas

I walked past a man today. He was wearing blue trainers. I wondered where he got the blue trainers from. I wondered whether he tried on different coloured trainers before settling on the blue trainers. I wondered how much he paid for the blue trainers. I wondered whether he realised the blue trainers didn’t go with the jeans he was wearing. I wondered whether he thought he looked good. I wondered whether he didn’t care whether they went with his jeans or whether he looked good or not. I wondered whether he only wore them to walk home from work. I wondered whether his big black rucksack had some smarter shoes for him to change into when he got where he was going. I wondered where he was going. I wondered whether he was meeting friends for dinner. I wondered whether he had a girlfriend or boyfriend. I wondered if his girlfriend or boyfriend would meet him there. I wondered whether his girlfriend or boyfriend would be late. I wondered if his girlfriend or boyfriend would panic they were late and rush out of work and cross the road without looking and get hit by a car. I wondered how many times the man would try and call his girlfriend or boyfriend as they lay dead in the road. I wondered how sad he’d feel after finding out the news. I wondered how guilty he’d feel for sitting around laughing and drinking with friends as the love of his life bled from the head. I wondered how much he’d cry at the funeral. I wondered all of this until I got to my front door and wondered: How the hell did I get like this?

Enjoyed these tales? Forward this to a friend or read more at carltellstales.com

Someone shared this newsletter with you? Sign up here.

Welcome to Newsletter #21

A tale I read

A tale I heard

A tale I saw

A tale I wrote

A tail I like