Hey everyone. This week's intro is a somber one, as there is something of personal importance for me to share (thank you for bearing with me). Simply put, this week, I hurt someone who I care about quite deeply. This painful outcome resulted from my self-created, willful ignorance, rooted in my fear of confronting the truth of the situation.

I keep a running list of my fears. One of these fears is "I am afraid of the evil that I am capable of / can do to others / have done to others." We all have tremendous power to do both harm and good in this world, even to the people we care most about. And for all of the pain that I created in this person's life, I now must live with the fact that I hurt them. And that I can hurt others whom I love and care about.

The hardest part of this week (beyond their pain and anguish, which is incomparably different and greater than any mental difficulty for me) has been showing myself compassion. I feel programmed to beat myself up. And yet, through starting to do The Work with tools like meditation, journaling, and therapy, I can start to admit that I fucked up, and that is OK, because I'm human and fallible. I'll try to do better tomorrow and be there for them. Because really, that's all I can do right now. I can't change the past. I can still choose to love myself. And I can still choose to do my best to love others. Even knowing that eventually, in various ways, I will hurt them.

I share all of this with you for two reasons: (1) I want to be open with you, the good and the bad. Life is not all up and to the right. I can lead by example. (2) You deserve to be compassionate and loving toward yourself, even when you fuck up. Especially if, like me, you feel programmed to beat yourself up. And I want you to have tools and resources, for when life takes similar turns for you.

Thank you for reading. <3

• EXPRESSIONS OF SELF-LOVE
• PODCAST - Reboot #51 – The Love that Heals: Welcoming in our Shadow – with James Hollis
• BOOK - The Dark Side of the Light Chasers
• PODCAST - The Tim Ferriss Show #226: How to Not Be Evil – Dr. Phil Zimbardo
• BOOK - The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT (My full Kindle notes)
• ARTICLE - Outside Online: When a Stress Expert Battles Mental Illness
• BLOG POST - Paul Graham: Keep Your Identity Small
• BLOG POST - First Round Review: Wait But Why’s Tim Urban on Parsing and Transmitting Complex Ideas

• I love myself. I am enough. I can do amazing things. And I can do terrible things. I am capable of all of it. And that's OK. I embrace all aspects of myself and others. I am enough. I love myself.
• As I set standards for myself and evaluate myself, remember that I am human with emotions and needs (and variance), so don't be too harsh.
• Speak to myself like I would speak to the people I love (because I love myself, too).
• Give myself permission and opportunity to fail.
• Have flexible expectations of life, including a shit happens buffer.
• Transform anger or resentment into compassion, empathy, and interconnection within the moment.

• The world is no better than what I bring to the table, and if I can just clean up my small piece of the territory, I'm doing something for the world.
• What things am I really scared to see about myself in my way of being? That one's really hard. I know I'm far from a perfect man, but I do know that I'm a good man with a good heart... I promise you to look in the corners of who I am, the things I've avoided in my life until now. I don't know what lies in the corners, what's in my shadow, but I will push myself to find out.
• We carry ourselves, our history, our whole psychological apparatus into every relationship we have, whether it's intimate or corporate or whatever. And so the shadow is continuously spilling into the world, whether we're aware of it or not.
• It takes a strong sense of self, and no little courage, to be able to examine, and take responsibility for these darker selves when they should turn up. It's much easier to deny, blame others, project elsewhere, or bury it and just keep on rolling... Examining this material... is a way of taking responsibility for our choices and their consequences.
• Until we make the unconscious conscious, it will direct our lives, and we will call it fate.
• Nothing human is alien to me. Even while we would condemn someone else for their violence or their jealousy or their attitudes, we have to find those same attitudes within ourselves. And the more we're split off from them, the more they're going to operate unconsciously.
• We are all stumbling through life, doing the best we can, most days. Messing up along the way. Welcome to the club. To be able to call ourselves to accountability and be compassionate about that is a dual task, and it's very difficult to do. Because the more we become aware of this, the harder it is to truly accept oneself.

• It's so easy to cross the line. In all the research done in psychology... the curious thing is, even though the majority gives in, complies, conforms, there's always a minority... who resist.
• Seven social processes that grease the slippery slope of evil: (1) Mindlessly taking the first small step (2) Dehumanization of others (3) De-individuation of self (anonymity) (4) Diffusion of personal responsibility (5) Blind obedience to authority (6) Uncritical conformity to group norms (7) The evil of omission and not commission (passive tolerance of evil through inaction)
• The center of all prejudice, all discrimination, is thinking about other people as less than human.
• Groups have enormous power to shape our behavior, our way of thinking, our attitudes. As an individual, you have to separate out, what parts of that group am I willing to go along with, because I want to be accepted... And what parts are unacceptable, I should be willing to be rejected rather than do some of the things they would like me to do.

• ...human beings are generally most trapped by the illusions of their own mind.
• ...evolution has shaped our brains so that we are hardwired to suffer psychologically: to compare, evaluate, and criticize ourselves, to focus on what we’re lacking, to rapidly become dissatisfied with what we have, and to imagine all sorts of frightening scenarios, most of which will never happen.
• Western society assumes that mental suffering is abnormal. It is seen as a weakness or illness, a product of a mind that is somehow faulty or defective. This means that when we do inevitably experience painful thoughts and feelings, we often criticize ourselves for being weak or stupid... the normal thinking processes of a healthy human mind will naturally lead to psychological suffering. You’re not defective; your mind’s just doing what it evolved to do.
• ...we tend to feel inadequate when our attempts to control our thoughts and feelings fail.
• ...control methods [like distraction] become problematic when: • You use them excessively. • You use them in situations where they can’t work. • Using them stops you from doing the things you truly value.
• It’s no surprise that life is richer and more fulfilling when we actively invest our time and energy in the things that are most important or meaningful to us. Yet all too often our attempts to avoid unpleasant feelings get in the way of doing what we truly value.
• So here is the happiness trap in a nutshell: to find happiness, we try to avoid or get rid of bad feelings, but the harder we try, the more bad feelings we create.
• Psychological flexibility is the ability to adapt to a situation with awareness, openness, and focus and to take effective action, guided by your values.
• From an ACT perspective, we are far more interested in whether a thought is helpful than whether it’s true or false, serious or ridiculous, negative or positive, optimistic or pessimistic. The bottom line is always the same: does this thought help you make the most out of life?
• The more fully you accept the reality of your situation—as it is, here and now—the more effectively you can take action to change it.
• Ask yourself: 1. How would I act differently if painful thoughts and feelings were no longer an obstacle? 2. What projects or activities would I start (or continue) if my time and energy weren’t consumed by troublesome emotions? 3. What would I do if fear were no longer an issue? 4. What would I attempt if thoughts of failure didn’t deter me?
• ...if we consciously bring our awareness to how we are feeling and consciously observe how we’re behaving, then no matter how intense our emotions are, we can still control our actions.
• Ultimately, self-esteem is a bunch of thoughts about whether or not you’re a “good person.” And here’s the key thing: self-esteem is not a fact; it’s just an opinion... Self-acceptance means being okay with who you are. Treating yourself kindly. Accepting that you’re a human being and therefore imperfect. Allowing yourself to mess up, make mistakes, and learn from them.
• Values are: • Our heart’s deepest desires: how we want to be, what we want to stand for, and how we want to relate to the world around us. • Leading principles that can guide us and motivate us as we move through life... Values are about what you want to do, not about how you want to feel.
• The values-focused life will always be more fulfilling than the goal-focused life because you get to appreciate the journey even as you’re moving toward your goals... To get to the values underlying a goal, you need to ask yourself, “What’s this goal in the service of? What will it enable me to do that’s truly meaningful?”
• Life gives most to those who make the most of what life gives.
• As we go through life, we encounter all sorts of obstacles, difficulties, and challenges, and each time this happens we have a choice: we can embrace the situation as an opportunity to grow, learn, and develop, or we can fight, struggle, and try whatever we can to avoid it.
• ...the basic ACT formula: A = Accept your thoughts and feelings and be present. C = Connect with your values. T = Take effective action.

• Panic attacks are common. Research published in the journal Archives of General Psychiatry shows that 22.7 percent of people experience one at some point during their lives.
• When the anxiety is at its worst, I’m not present for anything. It’s as if I’m going through life with my hands in front of my face. It’s an overwhelming and devastating feeling that is very different from what I used to think anxiety was (feeling exceedingly nervous before a public speaking gig or butterflies on the start line of a marathon, for example). 
• Mental illness arises from a complex linking between one’s genes and environment, and the triggers underlying its onset are often hard, if not impossible, to pinpoint. Not to mention, the same personality traits and brain chemistry that underlie our greatest gifts—for example, the ability to think obsessively and problem-solve relentlessly—can also give rise to our most awful curses.
• ...it’s important to have practices and tools not only for minor setbacks and when everything is clicking—which has been the focus of my writing over the past five years—but also for when it’s not.
• Perhaps the most important thing I’ve learned through this experience is that sometimes self-help isn’t enough. If you are struggling with mental illness, don’t be ashamed or embarrassed, and do not keep it to yourself. I can’t reiterate enough the importance of getting help.

• I think what religion and politics have in common is that they become part of people's identity, and people can never have a fruitful argument about something that's part of their identity. By definition they're partisan.
• More generally, you can have a fruitful discussion about a topic only if it doesn't engage the identities of any of the participants.
• The most intriguing thing about this theory, if it's right, is that it explains not merely which kinds of discussions to avoid, but how to have better ideas. If people can't think clearly about anything that has become part of their identity, then all other things being equal, the best plan is to let as few things into your identity as possible.
• The more labels you have for yourself, the dumber they make you.

• For those seeking to convey complex ideas to others, start by identifying how it’s complex to more efficiently simplify the concept to others. Urban has observed that it often takes him the same amount of time to disentangle a difficult idea. What’s different is the type and proportion of effort needed to crack the case — knowing that ratio can help you better tackle complex ideas.
• What’s the goal for you as a learner or explainer of the idea? ...compare the ascent needed as a learner to the ascent needed as an explainer. In Urban’s case, his goal is to transport his Wait But Why readers to the same level he’s hit, but just faster. Urban recognizes that his situation is rare in that generally his readers and he travel the ‘same distance.’... Your goal is to find the the minimal viable understanding they need to take the action you want to trigger, whether that’s a purchase of a product or a vision for the future.
• When Urban writes his posts, he appears to be in a special limbo: both wanting to understand any layman’s question while retaining the ability to remember what it’s like to be a layman. This is the key not only to humility, but to being able to orient any reader within a complex topic.
• If you read Wait But Why, you see that he signals to readers — subtly or overtly — when he doesn’t know something. He tries to explain it immediately and address any other early confusion points. That gets readers’ guards down, so they trust his orientation. Your goal is to get by that wall of skepticism — the belief that the piece wasn’t written for them.
• "I don't try to pretend to do fancy, well-produced visuals. I do it like I’d teach a friend if I had a napkin at a restaurant. Good tutors are not coming in with a bunch of marketing things; they're drawing with different colors and simple lines on a whiteboard."
• ...find the edge of humor in your story. That’s often where you can accelerate an explanation or make it resonate.