Celebrate School Endings and The Start of Summer

Hello <<First Name>>

Summer is right around the corner! As the school year winds down, I receive extra calls for help. Parents report their children are regressing or ‘having trouble’, which often means tantrums, whining, increased stubbornness, aggression, refusing bedtime or unexpected toileting accidents. This is true for elementary school age children as well as toddlers. To help you through this time, I am reprising a past newsletter that addresses this transition and time of year. Change can breed worry, even when your child will return to the SAME school next year.
 
WHAT’S GOING ON? The simple answer is that transitions are hard, even good ones. Summer can be a fun and wonderful time, but it also means change—the school year ending or shifting and regular routines change. With no sense of time, these endings can feel confusing and worrisome to your toddler. Your child thinks I know the school routine. I feel comfortable with it. Now, what will happen?  A few weeks back during snack time, one of our teachers at the Toddler Center noted that school would soon close. A 3-year old blurted out, “No! No! Not my school. My school can’t close!” He jumped up and scurried away from the snack table. I suspect this is how most children feel right now. For them, school is a safe and familiar place. They are unsure of what it means for school to end.
 
What You Can Do Today: 
Stay in the present. Often in our own anticipation of the ending of the school year, we start talking about it weeks in advance. I suspect we do this because as adults, we think about change far ahead of time. But when you move into your child’s world you’ll remember that your toddler lives in the here and now. Today. Rather than providing comfort, all that talk about the future creates anticipation that can easily stir up anxious feelings. I urge you to hold off until the last weeks of school before you bring it up. You can put a positive spin on it by saying that school closes every year and that when it does, your family will be together.  Tell them one fun thing you will do during the summer (go swimming, visit cousins, play outside). Allow your child to be sad or upset about the change while reminding them that mommy and daddy are always here, even when school closes.
 
Don’t force goodbyes. Goodbyes can be unsettling and every child has his or her own way of handling it. One of my own children used to avoid goodbyes to friends, family members, and teachers by simply walking out on play dates or leaving school at the end of the day without a word. One little girl I know ends her playdates by pushing the other child. These children don’t mean to be rude; it is their way of avoiding a sad good-bye or letting us know that they can’t handle it on their own. My advice: give your child the space he or she needs to wrestle with their feelings. Don’t force them into saying goodbye if they seem resistant. Swoop them out before the good-bye if you know they will meltdown or get aggressive. Then, you can say goodbye for them. That way you model it without any pressure on your young child. Over time, they will learn to handle good-byes.
 
Be aware of your own reaction. Adults don’t necessarily savor goodbyes either. You, too, may have to say goodbye to a favorite teacher and a community you have been a part of. This year my youngest leaves middle school and I will have to say goodbye after having all my children there. I am not looking forward to leaving a community I have known for a decade. Graduating to a new school for kindergarten or first grade is also a reminder that your child is growing up. Along with the joy of watching your child grow up comes a sense of loss. Notice and honor your own feelings, positive and negative, as well.

Celebrate. A good way to mark endings and the completion of the school in a joyful way is to plan a small celebration at home, or with friends and extended family. This concretely marks the occasion for your child, in a positive way, and helps give them closure. Rituals help children through transitions. Make an end-of-year cake or have a celebratory picnic or play date with friends in a nearby park or your backyard. Create a ‘memory’ list with your child that lets them recall all the fun things that happened at school. At the Toddler Center, we give each family a photo book of their child from the year. This gives them a way to recall the year whenever they want to re-visit it. You can also paint pictures, make cards or purchase small gifts like flower seeds, bubbles or sidewalk chalk that your child can give to his or her teacher and his classmates. It’s nice to mark these passages in a celebratory way. A girlfriend and I walked with our children to a special ice cream store on the last day of elementary school for years. We even sat on the same bench year after year! As a child, my parents took my siblings and me to a favorite buffet restaurant on the last school day. A friend takes her family to a local waterpark to mark the end of school. Rituals like this help your child mark the end and transition more easily into what comes next.
 
Resist the urge to leapfrog ahead. Once you’ve had a joyful celebration that marks the school year winding down, you may be tempted to turn your attention towards next year. Like I advised earlier to hold back on talking about the end of school too early, I recommend downplaying talk about a new teacher or new school until much closer to the start date. For your child, “next year” is an eternity away. What lies ahead is summertime. Too much talk about the future is often lost on them and can sometimes trigger anxiety that spirals into a meltdown. Let your toddler enjoy summer first. You will, too.
 
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For more toddler insight, visit HOW TODDLERS THRIVE and feel free to share what you've read here with other parents on the playground!