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Marriage Maven's News & Views
 
     Marcia Naomi Berger, LCSW  June 2018
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To Keep Your Relationship Great, Volunteer!

It's surprising how common it is for one spouse to issue orders to the other, as in, "You need to do so and so," which could refer to handling a chore or some other behavior. 

People generally don't like being controlled. Whether or not a spouse does what he or she has been told to do, resentment results and intimacy suffers because you cannot love someone maturely and try to control them. In an adult relationship, the behaviors of both partners are voluntary. 

As you discuss the kind of life you want to have together, focus on what really fits for you. Before marriage or after, talk about how you would like to handle money, chores and responsibilities, parenting (or step-parenting) concerns, if applicable, where you want to live, and so on.

For example, instead of telling your partner, "You need to call the plumber," you might say, "The drain is clogged. Do you want to call the plumber or shall I?" Or you could say something like "The drain is clogged," and then be silent long enough to see if your spouse offers to handle the situation. Or you might ask politely, "Would you please call the plumber today or tomorrow?"

Don't Agree to an Unreasonable Demand  

Some people, eager please their partner, will agree to a demand, request, or assumption that doesn’t fit for them. A spouse might insist that you move to a new area, have a relative live with the two of you, stop communicating with a relative, or something else. If you’re tempted to give in but really are upset about doing so, ask yourself, “Am I really okay about this? Might I resent him later if I now let him push me into doing something that goes against the grain for me?”

If you notice yourself trying to manipulate a prospective or actual spouse into doing something your way, back off. No good will come from coercing someone into doing something that’s not to their liking.

Strive for Respectful Collaboration.
Your objective should be respectful collaboration, with each of you choosing freely, whatever you agree to do.

If over time, one of you is consistently giving — or giving in — much more than the other, your relationship will probably suffer from the imbalance. In a good friendship, when one person gives a bit more, the other will also want to give more. But if one gives much less, the other’s desire to be generous is likely to shrink, and the relationship will probably spiral down and take on a romance depleting, weighing and measuring, nitpicking mentality.

It’s enough to simply notice in a general way whether you and a potential or actual marriage partner are in harmony in the giving arena. If you’re feeling on the short end of receiving, remember that you are both volunteers.

Encourage Volunteering

So no demands, please, do not insist that he make it up to you, and don't tell each other what they must do. Instead, ask nicely. In a good relationship, both of you enjoy giving in a manner that respects each other’s preferences. If one wants something that the other is not prepared to give, this too is fine; both of you are entitled to have boundaries.

There may be times when you perceive yourself as a victim. This is a normal feeling, but it should be short-lived. View it as a wake-up call to free yourself by taking charge of your words and actions. A true victim remains stuck unhappily in an unwholesome situation.

You don’t need to do so.

If you are unable to get past feeling resentful about an imbalance you perceive in your relationship, you might find couple or individual counseling helpful. So before concluding that an issue is a deal breaker, do seek outside help to resolve it in a way that suits both of you.

As a volunteer, you can choose a relationship and marriage partner wisely. You can communicate in ways that foster more romance, intimacy, and teamwork. You can usually resolve issues respectfully and more smoothly.

Perfect Gift for Yourself or a Loved One

Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love: 30 Minutes a Week to the Relationship You've Always Wanted is a warm, practical guide for long-married, newlywed, and engaged couples; and for marriage-minded singles and anyone who wants great relationship skills. 
 
Now available in bookstores, through New World Library, and online through Amazon and Barnes and Noble. Also available in Spanish and Chinese. 
                             
     
Empowering Kids Now
Global Summit

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Leading edge experts (myself included!) will share what’s working NOW to empower kids in body, mind, and spirit.

This event was created for Parents, Teachers, Counselors, Coaches…anyone who influences kids and wants to make a difference, now.

You’ll learn cutting-edge tools, strategies, and ideas that you can implement right away to positively impact the children in your world. Things like:

One of the most important skills you can teach a child to foster lifelong inner happiness;
A powerful exercise you can do with your kids to teach boundaries, teamwork, and the value of each member of the family;
The trick to using choices that will reduce power struggles in your home . . .       and so much more!             

My short presentation goes live Friday, June 22, 10 am Pacific Time. It can be accessed during the next 48 hours, and again with all programs at the end of the Summit. Join Us Now

Join me and over 30 other experts at this free event. Empowered kids possess the courage and confidence to stand up for what is right and be true to who they are. Learn how you can help them gain these important skills now.
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I Value Your Comments 
Thank you, Marsha Berger, Adrian Fried, David Henry, Phyllis Levy, and Marian Sanders for commenting on May's featured article:What's So Great About Marriage Meetings?

    Marcia Naomi Berger, LCSW
  

Services and Programs

Therapy and Counseling for individuals and couples. More information here.
Workshops
For couples, “Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love”; for single women, “Marry with Confidence.”
Executive Coaching
Individual and group sessions for dealing with difficult people, stress reduction, strategic planning, and more.

                        ~~~~~   
 
For more information about speaking engagements and other services, phone 415-491-4801 or email mnaomiberger(at)gmail (dot)com 

www.marriagemeetings.com     


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Marcia Naomi Berger · 1050 Northgate Drive, Suite 480 · San Rafael, CA 94903 · USA

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