To Keep Your Relationship Great, Volunteer!
It's surprising how common it is for one spouse to issue orders to the other, as in, "You need to do so and so," which could refer to handling a chore or some other behavior.
People generally don't like being controlled. Whether or not a spouse does what he or she has been told to do, resentment results and intimacy suffers because you cannot love someone maturely and try to control them. In an adult relationship, the behaviors of both partners are voluntary.
As you discuss the kind of life you want to have together, focus on what really fits for you. Before marriage or after, talk about how you would like to handle money, chores and responsibilities, parenting (or step-parenting) concerns, if applicable, where you want to live, and so on.
For example, instead of telling your partner, "You need to call the plumber," you might say, "The drain is clogged. Do you want to call the plumber or shall I?" Or you could say something like "The drain is clogged," and then be silent long enough to see if your spouse offers to handle the situation. Or you might ask politely, "Would you please call the plumber today or tomorrow?"
Don't Agree to an Unreasonable Demand
Some people, eager please their partner, will agree to a demand, request, or assumption that doesn’t fit for them. A spouse might insist that you move to a new area, have a relative live with the two of you, stop communicating with a relative, or something else. If you’re tempted to give in but really are upset about doing so, ask yourself, “Am I really okay about this? Might I resent him later if I now let him push me into doing something that goes against the grain for me?”
If you notice yourself trying to manipulate a prospective or actual spouse into doing something your way, back off. No good will come from coercing someone into doing something that’s not to their liking.
Strive for Respectful Collaboration.
Your objective should be respectful collaboration, with each of you choosing freely, whatever you agree to do.
If over time, one of you is consistently giving — or giving in — much more than the other, your relationship will probably suffer from the imbalance. In a good friendship, when one person gives a bit more, the other will also want to give more. But if one gives much less, the other’s desire to be generous is likely to shrink, and the relationship will probably spiral down and take on a romance depleting, weighing and measuring, nitpicking mentality.
It’s enough to simply notice in a general way whether you and a potential or actual marriage partner are in harmony in the giving arena. If you’re feeling on the short end of receiving, remember that you are both volunteers.
Encourage Volunteering
So no demands, please, do not insist that he make it up to you, and don't tell each other what they must do. Instead, ask nicely. In a good relationship, both of you enjoy giving in a manner that respects each other’s preferences. If one wants something that the other is not prepared to give, this too is fine; both of you are entitled to have boundaries.
There may be times when you perceive yourself as a victim. This is a normal feeling, but it should be short-lived. View it as a wake-up call to free yourself by taking charge of your words and actions. A true victim remains stuck unhappily in an unwholesome situation.
You don’t need to do so.
If you are unable to get past feeling resentful about an imbalance you perceive in your relationship, you might find couple or individual counseling helpful. So before concluding that an issue is a deal breaker, do seek outside help to resolve it in a way that suits both of you.
As a volunteer, you can choose a relationship and marriage partner wisely. You can communicate in ways that foster more romance, intimacy, and teamwork. You can usually resolve issues respectfully and more smoothly.