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 I have a confession to make. I used to get such bad panic attacks that I couldn’t catch my breath and I’d worry about fainting.
Or not being able to leave the house to go do the thing I was letting overwhelm me into having a physical reaction.
Or dying.
It wasn’t that long ago, and it wasn’t the first time in my life that I’d gone through this. But it was the first time it had gotten so bad that it was happening weekly, and sometimes daily. I felt like a fraud, trying to accomplish any work or be around people when I couldn’t even control my own breathing—over what I convinced myself was nothing.
I felt paralyzed and alien to myself, and I felt so small.
I’d been off antidepressant medication for years, and I wanted to be strong. I wanted to overcome the panic attacks and just ignore my brain. But I couldn’t. Finally, I reached a point of crisis, and I sought professional help. I talked to someone. And I remembered that this was always the first step, and it was going to lead me to a headspace that allowed me to catch my breath. I started taking medication again, and that let me catch my breath a little bit more. I felt stronger—not weaker—for doing so.
I’ve taken that first step several times in my forty-one years, but now instead of looking at it like I’m starting over, I can see the path a little more clearly each time. I know now that to live with my depression and anxiety—and to be safe and healthy—I need help balancing the chemistry in my brain, and I need ongoing therapy work.
I still have days where the panic creeps up and the feeling of worthlessness starts to take root. It might always be there. But that’s ok, because I have running and deep breathing and Zoloft to keep me from falling so low I can’t see. I also have support from family and friends, and Sara and Jenn.
And hey, I want to mention your support here, too. It feels like we’re talking to our friends every time we do the show, and I never imagined it would feel that way. Thanks for letting me (and us) open up to you every week. And if this letter rings true for you, I hope hearing us talk about this stuff helps you feel less alone, and a little bit stronger, too.
On the topic of support, I want to share a few places you might find it (like we did!) and tell you about one way you can lift up a great cause:
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