<<First Name>>, my dear pen-pal. Sorry for not writing sooner
What a crazy few days/week it's been. I know I’m trying to slow down but this pace is exciting and terrifying.
On Thursday night my vehicle was stolen. I heard it start up, (holes in her muffler make for a super loud and recognisable sound) and drive off. My first ever 911 call and my body shut down into shocked eerie calmness while I gave the dispatcher details. I've never been in quite an intense trust situation where everything feels so dark, hopeless and out of control - when all you can do is feel that tiny glimmer of hope and feeling that it is all part of the journey.
Later that night the police called back having found my van, arrested the thief and told me to come collect it. In 1 piece, 99% unharmed and without impounding it or taking her off me! She lives, and we get to continue her restoration journey together - towards my dream of living in her on the road traveling. What a glimpse into the shadow world. Just before the new moon in Gemini!
Since then I have yo-yo’d between exhaustion, overwhelm and a beautiful reminder to share my gratitude, love and thankfulness for the opportunities, love, support and access I have to a means of transport, financial means of supporting myself and doing a up a van, and a life in a country where emergency services actually help - search helicopter and all.
I am feeling so grateful. This I’m back catching the bus to and from work because my Van has been hanging out at my mechanic’s house... I'm pooped. I am so thankful for my out of the box ways of thinking of things and not giving up. Being told by an auto mechanic that doing her up would take 50k and 12 months, too making wonderful leaps and bounds in progress giving her love has really warmed up my heart. It almost feels like my heart is being taught to love again in a way that's completely new to me.
It's exciting, thrilling and a terrifying emotional roller coaster where I'm learning so much about the things I am scared of. Challenging the things or parts of my identity that I've been clinging to and how to smashing it pieces straight out from under me.
Woken up, lit up grateful, thankful and overwhelmed. Click to read the article.
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You know I want a letter back - I MISS hearing from you all <3
Working with my Tarot project has been an additional roller coaster journey this week. I have felt blocked, guilty that I had not created or edited any new Tarot cards; that I hadn’t followed up with any local people who I was in the process of creating tarot cards with. My brain and creativity felt so, so stuck. Being back into riding my bike to work for a bit while my van is getting fixed up gave me the opportunity listen to the pod cast series I love again. You know it’s good when you feel inspired, want to cry and completely re-examine your motivation for doing things after listening to an episode.
It really prompted to me to think about what I’ve been doing with the Queer Tarot project. My focus lately has been to find people with skills to help me make a mini documentary out of all the footage I’ve been collecting/ making ready for the Queer film festival next year. I’d set myself a deadline of March next year. I guess subconsciously this date, deadline really freaked me out. Additional pressure on myself when I am already an over-achiever and push myself hard just crushed my creative inspiration.
The podcast asked me “Why are you doing this? Why are you pushing so hard for this? Why do you want to get it done by then?
The answer that jumped in to my head really made me cringe and feel embarrassed and ashamed that I’d let my ego get in the way. I was pushing for March so I could get into the film festival, to get known, for the project to be shared, for people who are Queer and on the fringes of magic and tarot to hear about my deck of cards and the content I’m making. A desire fuelled by fear, a need to be externally validated and known or liked by people. Completely NOT the reasons I love, am motivated and inspired to create my cards and a complete loss of sight of the joy and focus on telling Queer stories through the archetype of tarot. Telling stories and creating an inspirational and spiritual representation of our realness through photographic tarot deck – THAT is what I’m about.
I don’t want to care about being liked. I don’t want to care how popular this does or does not get. I want it to be an honest and authentic representation of this creative process and gift of inspiration. Sure there’ll have to be some self-promotion involved in there somewhere but that’s the publishing of the project not the creating of the project. It feels like I can’t do both at once. I can’t wear both hats. I can wear one or the other. And right now I really want to keep creating. To keep meeting people, talking to them about tarot and how we learn and grow through it.
Anything I plan is too small to live. I can aim for an idea or thing but I can’t predict what an outcome will be or where life or my journey will actually take me. So why should I fix myself into a deadline when every fibre of my being doesn’t want to do that right now, it wants to create, it wants to shoot and publish tarot cards. Not a documentary. Not a documentary now. A documentary in the future yes, but not now… I feel like there is so much beautiful ground work I still have left to do, where I can immerse myself in the lessons of each card as we create them together. Where I can play with my photography where I can play with learning how to film, where I can learn more about Queerness and humanity and what makes our spiritually tick. That’s what I’m excited about.
I’ve stepped back, stopped feeling bad (or trying to), and given myself permission to remove the deadline, to pause, to take a breath. To focus back on the photographing of people not the filming and editing of content, but the humans. Given myself permission to stop talking about a documentary for now, to allow myself to be open and learn what I can in the meantime and to enjoy the growth of my creative practice without being my own worst enemy. Maybe I won’t have a documentary to show in next years’ Queer film festival here in Vancouver. And that is 100% completely okay with me. It feels like a relief, a weight off my shoulders and a letting go of guilt or procrastination which I felt focusing on other areas of my life which have been super hectic in the last two weeks. Breathing, stopping, being grateful and letting the love I have for myself, for the humans I love, and the freedom I have to express my creativity. Click to read the see more pictures.
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