You know that saying “Take it one day at a time?” Well, for me, this current situation seems to have me taking it hour by hour and sometimes, minute by minute. The other day, while in the kitchen-and where else would I be since that’s where I’m spending 80% of my time while sheltering with five hungry people-I was chopping some garlic and our little dog rang the jingle bells on the back door to go out. Now, she’s developed this habit of going out and coming back in literally every five minutes when I’m in the kitchen. Why not? We are all home and have nothing better to do than to serve her. After about six times of washing my hands, letting her out, starting the chopping, washing my hands, letting her back in, going back to the chopping, I blew a gasket.

I believe I said something like, “Alright with the in and the out!” And then something that sounded like, “Pluck me” or “Duck be”. You can probably use your imagination here. Of course, this outburst was accompanied by dramatic slamming of the knife down on the cutting board. I glanced up and my husband and daughter were standing there with an “Uh-oh, mom is unhinged” look on their faces.  They walked on their eggshells to take care of the dog and I needed to go upstairs for a minute.

I’m realizing I’m in the mad stage of all of this. If we are really in a collective grief, which I think we are, the stage I’m in now is raging anger. In the beginning, it was shock, then sadness, bargaining, sometimes acceptance but the anger seems to have a life of its own. We just recorded a podcast with Dr. Sherry Kelly that will be released next month about helping our kids manage their feelings and positive parenting. She talked about an anger iceberg, how you can see what’s on the top but there are all kinds of feelings below the surface like disappointment, frustration, helplessness, worries, being infuriated, disturbed etc. Now, we all know what happens when you ignore an iceberg so I’m trying not to do that. I’m trying to understand instead how to regulate my emotions, how to manage them so they don’t manage me!

What do I need from myself and others? How can I create perspective? Create resilience? I’m learning what emotional dysregulation really means and how it can derail my best efforts. This minute, I’ve got it under control. Next minute, I can’t make any promises. But, I think talking about it helps. Labeling what I’m feeling helps and taking those jingle bells off the back door isn’t a bad idea either!