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TechLoaf

MONDAY, MAY 4, 2020
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Homemade breads your HR Director shared on Instagram before firing 327 people

Doughn't ever take your job for granted when Korrina Jespersen-Brause is running your company's HR department!

The only thing she loves more than firing up the oven is firing innocent, valuable employees who accomplish more in one day than she has in her entire tenure, that jerk.

Ah, banana pumpkin. A perfect way to reuse those old bananas that have been sitting around a day too long, and a perfect way to reuse what's left of that Jack-o-Lantern that's been rotting on your porch since Halloween.

Boy, what a treat. It's moist, flavorful, and oh my God now that you're fired what are you going to do about insurance? The pumpkin seed accents really make the Insta though, don't you think?

Sourdough, a bread as rooted in San Francisco culture as gentrification, Barry Bonds, and heroin. Just look at that scoring! Unfortunately for you and your coworkers, the only scoring you need to be focused on right now is scoring a new job lest you soon join the thousands of vagabonds roaming the streets.

Sticky buns. Okay, this one's kind of a metaphor. Like sticky buns, life is meandering and circular. You start one place, go around in circles, and end up back almost where you began. Also, life's pretty nuts!

Uff, alright, the metaphor blows and you and everyone else are completely screwed. Everyone else but that HR Director, that is, look here she goes again, with a post-layoff kalamata olive and rosemary fougasse.

Parking spot app would have taken off if not for COVID-19, being a parking spot app

CEO picks life-sized Scrabble board over marketing department

Red flag: company’s Director of Growth only 5’11”

CEO who was 8 during last recession assures staff no one is going to be put in 'unpaid timeout'

Nice: Robinhood line green, not red

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Get off your fat butt, stop watching The Office, and learn Python

I don’t know about you, but I’ve sure been hearing a whole lot about Python these last few years. What’s Python, you ask?

Python is one of the most beloved programming languages out there. Millions of software engineers, data scientists, and analysts love its versatility, flexibility, and object-oriented features. In fact, many of your favorite web and mobile applications use Python’s abundant libraries, various frameworks, vast collections of modules, and file extensions! Yes, Python is everywhere, which is why it is high time for you get pull your life together, quit dicking around, and learn Python instead of watching The Office on Netflix because you’ve already seen it end-to-end fifteen times my goodness what the hell are you doing with your life stop watching The Office and just learn Python already.

Although Python is a high-level language and can do complex tasks, it is easy to learn and has a clean syntax. In fact, many people can pick it up in just a few weeks! So ask yourself: why are you such a disappointment who is engrossed with the “will-they-won’t-they” dynamic of Jim and Pam who - spoiler alert! - end up getting married in Niagara Falls after Michael makes a crass birth control joke in front of Pam’s grandmother. You should be learning Python.

You know who uses Python? NASA. Facebook. Yelp. You know who keeps watching the later seasons of The Office as if James Spader provides anything of value to the development of core characters or story arc? You.

Look, you’re going to be homeless in about 7 years if you don’t learn Python. There’s no way of sugarcoating it. By 2027 80% of all jobs will require technical skills, and most of these will be based around Python and if you choose to laugh at the hijinx of Michael Scott and the Dunder-Mifflin gang instead of learning Python you’ll probably die drunk in an alley.

Yeah, that got pretty frickin’ real, didn’t it? Well you know what else is real? Having no health insurance because you’re unemployable because you didn’t learn Python. Do you want an untreated gangrenous foot?

Sign up for Python classes at The Coding Dojo today. It’s not like you’re doing anything else you loser.

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