A word of Torah:

         I wanted to continue the discussion of holiness that I began last week. Lest people think that holiness is some form of ethereal spirituality, I should point out that the most well-known verses of the holiness code include the great ethical commandments of the Torah, such as the injunctions not to put a stumbling block before the blind and to love your neighbor as yourself. Living a holy life means striving to create a compassionate society. A life of holiness doesn’t consist of a solitary existence in a cave. It is to be lived in the chaos and conflicts/tohu u-vohu of our everyday existence.
      As an example, let’s examine one verse Lev. 19:17:
                               “You shall not hate your kinsfolk in your heart.
                                You shall surely reprove your fellow,
                                but incur no guilt because of him.”
        It is a challenging demand not to hate other people. It is striking that what is forbidden here is not just acting on that hatred either in words or deeds, but even just feeling it in your heart. Hatred erodes relationships and society even when we think it is hidden. Eventually, it often does get expressed consciously or unconsciously. So, what are we supposed to do with such feelings?
        The second part of the verse says that you must express reproof to the people that have hurt you. This teaches that even if we could successfully move on (a dubious possibility), that leaves the person who has hurt you stuck with the attitude that began this whole process. The ideal is for both of you to move on, not just the victim. Raising the issue could reveal that the whole interaction was based on a misunderstanding, which might make the process of moving on simpler. Even if the argument was not a misunderstanding, it is possible through an honest confrontation that the other person will realize how hurt you were and want to sincerely make amends.
         Of course, this requires that the injured person speaks in a way that makes it possible for the one being criticized to really hear and appreciate what is being said and even more why it is being said. The point of the reproof is to move to a better place, not to get all your grievances off your chest and onto the designated “person at fault.” The tradition understood how difficult it is to say a reproof that doesn’t basically sound like “you stupid jerk, how could you…?”
         The last part of the verse, “incur no guilt because of him,” has been interpreted by commentators in three ways.

1. You need to speak out so you are not guilty of hating in your heart.
2. We need to object to injustice whether on a personal or communal level. By remaining silent,  we bear some guilt for what has happened--"Do not stand idly by" (Lev. 19:16).
3. This phrase was interpreted to mean that you should not publicly humiliate the person. The Talmud says embarrassing a person is considered as though you shed their blood (Bava Metzia 58b).

      All of which is to say you shouldn’t let problems fester. Instead you should express your criticism, but only in a way that the other person can hear what you are saying. You even have to be careful not to embarrass the person you are critiquing!
      The rabbis recognized how difficult a task this was, but knew that creating a world of holiness could only happen by doing the challenging work of finding how best to live with other people. This intricate dance of speaking out in a way that cares equally about your feelings and the other person’s is the definition of “responsible holiness,” which is the core practice of Judaism