“Food is about nurturing:
not only physical but also
emotional nurturing.”
--Ina Garten

Good morning my dear <<Name>>.  I hope you are having a good week and that everyone you know and love are safe and healthy. As we begin to re-open in some places, I am cautiously optimistic and hoping folks just use their common sense.

But enough about the current pandemic, because if you're anything like me, you're tired of reading about it. Instead, I wanted to talk about something I'm passionate about:  FOOD.

And why I include a recipe in each love note.

Food is comforting and sensual and life-affirming. Food is one of the ways I lavish affection on those I care about and show folks I honor and appreciate their presence.

Approaching food from the lens of passion has catapulted passion in other areas of my world: my work, my writing, my home. It allows me to see how important the exquisite details of life are to me, no matter what their form. 

When I began writing these love noes almost a decade ago, I wanted to share something more that just a blog post. And that's when I realized that though I could recommend books, I wanted to share recipes with you. Because if we were friends and lived near each other, you can bet I'd want to have you over and cook you a meal or bake you some cookies...food is one of my love languages.

The goal of every single love note is that I nourish you in some way. Maybe my words make you feel less alone. Maybe a paragraph serves as a wake-up call. Maybe a single sentence I write is just what you need to read so that you make that decision you’ve been putting off. Maybe a photo I share makes you smile. Maybe my words allow you to connect more deeply with your own soul or someone you love.

And if nothing I write nourishes your mind or your spirit, then at least I am sharing a way you can nourish your body. And nourish the bodies of people  you love as well. 

Kind of a ripple affect of love and nourishment.

Before our Stay at Home orders, I was already cooking most of our meals. We'd rarely go out to eat except when we were traveling (or I went to lunch with a girlfriend or a book).  But with the challenges of our time (items being out of stock or worries about the supply chains), I am spending more time focusing on what we're going to eat.

Early in my coaching practice, I went to a retreat for women entrepreneurs. And I was thrilled to be invited on stage to talk about my business and get some free coaching on how I could make my business stronger. And the guru told me the first thing that had to go was recipes. Because it had nothing to do with selling coaching or selling any of my courses (this was before I had written any books).

I blindly listened for a few weeks and realized that I was diluting the connection and love I wanted to convey to people who gifted me with their time and attention was missing something – like the way spices and herbs turn a blah ingredient into something special.

So, I added the recipes back in and ignored any other guru who told me to ditch ‘em. And I've never looked back. While some folks see food as mere subsistence, it's beyond a meal to me. It's about finding some sense of pleasure in each stage of bringing a meal to the table. 

There is alchemy when you take raw ingredients and turn them into something that will nourish our bodies. And frankly, nourishes my mind and soul as I'm preparing them. And it's mentally nourishing when I am creating something I've never made before - like the recipes I am sharing with you this week.

And in my mind, we can all use a little alchemy no matter what's happening in the world.

Here in the US, tomorrow is Mother's Day. I know many of us are separated from our moms these days  - whether from being isolated or having lost moms -  and that can feel hard. So, know I'm sending all of you moms, daughters, and sons lots of love and prayers.

Please continue to take care of yourself. And if you need anything, reach out to me.

And, as always, I am sending you love.





PS - Being witnessed and heard during times of crisis can be important to maintaining our sense of self. So, I've extended discounts to all my clients - and am offering half-price sessions for anyone that just needs a little chat.

I know I’m not the only one feeling challenged right now. Dealing with the stress of the news, worrying about people’s health and the economy, and cabin fever is a given for many folks. And complaining, feeling annoyed by everything, or wanting to pick a fight is a side affect of fear. We’re dealing with so much that’s out of our control AND an invisible virus. So, when you consider that our response to fear is flight, fight, or freeze, complaining is a way to fight. Because we’re already “freezing” in place. And there is nowhere to run.

Complaining about things can make us feel we’re doing something about our stress and fears. We’re venting, expressing our opinion, taking a stand, and feeling all the feelings!

Complaining invites us to focus on the problem. So, rather than put your precious attention on a solution, we wallow in the problem. Complaining gets you got in a cycle of focusing on the problem, verbalizing it, and then finding more things to complain about. So, it captures our attention and then causes us to feel even more negative about our lives.

And right now, more than ever, I need hope and positivity rather than negativity.

Look, I believe everyone has a right to their feelings. And I know from experience that if we tamp down our emotions, we’ll never create a life that feels nourishing. Because, in part, we are denying our own reality. So, I’m not suggesting that we ignore how we’re feeling. Rather, I’m reminding you (and me) that complaining mires me down in the negative. Without hope of reaching more positive outcomes.Complaining doesn’t fix anything or help anyone. What the point of inviting negative interactions with others?

And remember: just because you have feelings doesn’t mean you need to tell everyone about every single one of those feelings. Especially right now when we’re all getting tired of sheltering in place. Trust me, everyone you live with knows there’s a lot of challenges right now.

The Gottman Institute found that couples who share negative interactions are more likely to divorce early. Their research further showed that need four positive interactions with our partner for each negative interaction. So, when we complain, it’s not only a negative interaction. It feels like criticism. And I ask you: do you want to be criticized all the time? Because living with someone that’s complaining and criticizing feels pretty crappy.

I’m a realist and I know that perfect harmony is impossible every single moment of the day. Even healthy relationships will see some conflict. However, that doesn’t mean we have to escalate it. Rather than escalate a fleeting negative emotion, ask yourself how you’d rather feel.

That doesn’t mean you aren’t irritated or even angry with your partner. Instead, it’s the old adage of: would you rather be right or happy? Because often, when we choose being “right”, we open the door to more negative emotions to come pouring through.

In order to stop complaining and eventually harming your relationship, stop and think before you speak. This is really about self-awareness. Think carefully about how you desire to feel and what’s really bugging you. Instead of spouting off with a snarky remark from a moment of feeling cranky, be clear with yourself as to why you’re angry, irritable, or on edge. Are you angry because your partner left his socks on the floor or are you sad because you miss going to lunch with a girlfriend?

Now is a great time to also step back and create a relationship vision with your partner. A shared vision for your relationship gives you the clarity to manage your life together. And it’s a great way to choose how you desire your relationship to feel. And agree to let the little irritations go.

I am the first to tell you that little things matter when it comes to happiness. There’s a reason why fresh flowers in your home or a brand new lipstick lifts your spirits. Life is made so much sweeter and nourishing when we notice and indulge in simple pleasures or even little luxuries. Those little things add up to helping you choose happiness. And it can be the path to ensuring that you thrive in your daily life no matter what’s happening in the world.

However, I’m the first to tell you that focusing on the little things your partner does in a negative way can whittle away at love and trust. My ex-husband was constantly complaining that I didn’t load the dishwasher correctly. And while that seems like a small thing, it made me believe I could never do “anything” right in our marriage. And, frankly, that one constant complaint of his still comes to mind more than a decade after our divorce.

Would you rather focus on the little things that are right in your relationship? To focus on sharing a cup of coffee together in the morning, the fact your husband opens the car door for you, or that he never fails to take out the trash? Or would you prefer to nitpick every little thing that irritates you. And ensure that he’s well aware of how irritated you are by complaining?

The choice is yours, my dear. What we focus on, grows. And now, in this challenging season, I’d much rather focus on what’s right in my life rather than what’s wrong in the moment. Gratitude and love over negativity is how I’d rather live, that’s for sure.

One day last week,  I opened my spice cabinet and out came tumbling four jars of spices. One of which struck the corner of my small crock pot, knocking off a chunk of the ceramic. I wanted to bitch and complain. To immediately chastise JB for putting the spices in the “wrong place”. And then I stopped myself.

Did I want to vent my frustration and allow this little challenge to annoy me further? Was being self-righteous about how things “should” be put away more important than the health of my relationship? And what emotion did I want to focus on? The reasons JB had put the spices away was that he’d cleaned the kitchen after dinner the night before, leaving me to relax and read a book. Would I rather focus on feeling grateful or feeling irritated?

I took a deep breath and said “So what?” I put the spices in the spots I prefer. And then ordered a replacement crock-pot for $9.99 from Target. Trust me, spending five minutes tidying up the kitchen and adding a $10 item to my Target order was worth the time and the money. Because the health of my relationship is worth it. And my own sense of satisfaction with my life is worth pausing rather than complaining.

My choice to choose my relationship and my own happiness in a productive and compassionate allowed me to have a happier day. And meant that our combined time together felt nourishing and fun rather than both of us feeling rotten. Life and relationships can’t help but thrive when we fuel them with kindness, compassion, and grace.

This awareness around how complaining was making me unhappy and making JB feel attached doesn’t mean I’ll never complain again. But it is helping me do it less often. And that, my darling, makes me a much more joyous person. And not once since then has my partner, in turn, felt like he needed to withdraw to protect himself.

So, what about you? Isn’t your own happiness more important than getting mired down into the way complaining makes you feel in the long run? Would you rather choose to be right or happy? Isn’t the health of your relationship more important than calling attention to every little thing that’s irritating you?

How can you look beyond the stress and strain of this time in our lives? And how could letting the little things go strengthen your relationship?

This is a longer than normal recipe description. And it's actually 2 recipes in one.

Here's the recipe for these beautiful meatballs with pancetta (recipe 1)

Here's the recipe for the sauce I am obsessed with. (Recipe #2).

• You can substitute bacon for the pancetta, just dice it before you cook it. You want to cook those onions is pork fat for the depth of flavor.
• You can sub two tablespoons of tomato paste in the meatballs for the 1/2 can of crushed tomatoes.
• If you want a meatball that is less sticky and has more structure, you can add 1/2 cup of oats to serve as a binder.
• If you don't have a large can of tomatoes, you can use two small cans. Or even 1 1/2 small cans (to keep waste down.) Since I use a lot of tomatoes in our meals, it's not unusual to have a partial can of tomatoes in our fridge.
• If you don't have fresh garlic, you can use that garlic in a tube or additional garlic powder (but not garlic salt).
• The meatballs work best with a spaghetti, of course, but you can substitute any kind of pasta though I don't think it would work well with those little filled pastas.