A warning to all: avoid using Aldi at Nutgrove at the moment, if you can - this report just came in!

I've just got back from a truly awful shopping trip there.

Having queued up patiently while social distancing, as I neared the entrance, a shop worker clipped a carabena onto the belt loop of my jeans. My perplexed expression must have said it all as she explained that whilst people are social distancing in the queue outside, they aren't distancing once inside the store.

So, what some clever store worker had dreamt up, is to rope 6 or so customers together with 2m of rope between each of us!

Well these are strange times and with the threat of a second wave of infection, I thought I'd best not complain, and just tow the line (so to speak).

I'm telling you now - what an absolute idiotic idea this is. We'd negotiated our way into the store, some with trolleys and others trying to grab a basket before the berserk line dragged them away.

I was near the middle of the rope picking up some veg. The woman at the front, who was trussed up like a kid in a harness, was trying to drag the whole line to the apples, while the bloke at the back was trying to pull the other way to get his hands on last weeks courgettes; which were now this weeks courgette offer. It was like tug-of-war for the deranged!

It's embarrassing to say, but I hontesly just lost it! I started ranting and raving about the rope and how on earth people are meant to shop like this. I went to unclip the carabena, which miraculously brought the attention of the staff, who told me I'd be asked to leave the shop if I unclipped. "We're not rock climbing, we're trying to buy cheese!" are words which I'll carry with me to my grave.

Strangely this outburst had the effect of bringing our train together as a team. We carried on, now with lots of communication, people passing stuff along the line to the other to fill their baskets.

Now, I know passing things to one another could spread the infection as much as person to person contact, but I honestly think if we hadn't done it, I'd still be there now.

As we started along the aisle I generally refer to as "biscuits and creosote", it was clear from the melee that all was not well in the adjacent aisle. As far as I could tell there had been 2 chains of people. A lady in the middle of one chain had ducked under the other to get her hands on a pop-art cat bed. The tangle had resulted in a multi-pedestran pile up in which the epicentre resembled the supposed diety, Durga. It wasn't clear how long they'd been there but one old chap was trying to free himself by feverishly sawing at the rope with his house keys.

We navigated the remaining aisles without major trauma, other than having to rescue Doreen (2nd in line) after she fell in the chest freezer trying to reach the last vegetarian pie! 

We were individually unclipped prior to the till, at which point any camaraderie we'd had, quickly evaporated as everyone scrambled for the first available till.

With the ordeal still impeding rational thought, it was a welcome and familiar sight to have the check out attendant throw all my shopping on the floor in the normal 100 kmph fashion. I really did not appreciate being strung along like that, but I hope you did!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This was a joke! It did not really happen!