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The Medicine of Openness

Introduction

“What you’ll see, if you watch carefully, is that you have a phenomenal amount of energy inside of you…[this] energy is always available to you. At any moment you can draw upon it. It just wells up and fills you from the inside. When you’re filled with this energy, you feel like you can take on the world. When it is flowing strongly, you can actually feel it coursing through you in waves…[the] only reason you don't feel this energy all the time is because you block it. You block it by closing your heart, by closing your mind, and by pulling yourself into a restrictive space inside…you hide in the darkness within you…[this] is what it means to be ‘blocked.’ You have a wellspring of beautiful energy inside of you…this flow of energy comes from your depth of being…[you] should know about this energy because it’s yours. It’s your birthright, and it’s unlimited…[energy] doesn’t get old…[what] it needs is openness and receptivity. How high do you want to get? How much love do you want to feel? How much enthusiasm do you want for the things you do? If enjoying a full life means experiencing high energy, love and enthusiasm all the time, then don’t ever close…[you] stay open by never closing. It’s really that simple” (Singer, 43-44). 

I’ve read Michael A. Singer’s “The Untethered Soul” quite a few times for inspiration during different stages in my life. But when I bought the book, I left it on my nightstand for months. I had other things going on: I resigned from my full time job in 2016 a few days before a dark moment in our country. After the elections, like many others, I was scared and anxious for my loved ones on top of the uncertainty of not knowing who I was and what I wanted. In retrospect, that energy within me that Singer so beautifully described above was blocked. My heart and mind were closed because I was frightened. First generation women of color immigrants like me don’t get to make decisions like these - like leaving careers and following nontraditional paths - without consequences. But I knew something was off for months. 

From the outside, I had everything: a senior level role at a growing global nonprofit startup that was making headlines, a serious relationship with someone my parents approved of and a growing savings account. But deep within, I was angry, tired and unhappy. I was working long hours on an entry-level salary, leaving very little time for self care. I loved being a constant source of support for the people I cared about and I loved working in the social impact space but it left me feeling depleted. By the end of 2015, I hit all my milestones and wanted to expand my skill set so I advocated for a raise and more opportunities for growth. Armed with a deck of deliverables and goals for the next quarter (thanks to the wonderful counsel I’d received from friends and coaches), I made a compelling case. After a few months of negotiations, I was offered a 3% raise, paid in installments. I had more experience in the nonprofit/social impact space than the CEO/Founder,  who made millions as a VC and tech entrepreneur. I know this because it was my job to create a persona of him that was likable and sell it to the press. I was good at it and yet, I was struggling to make ends meet.  “Remember, you’re doing this for the disadvantaged kids,” he’d remind me. The nonprofit industrial complex systemically disadvantages people of color the most, especially queer, trans and women of color and immigrants. There’s an existing power dynamic that leaves no space for self care, even at some of the world’s most reputable human rights institutions. This cycle has existed for years but because it’s for “the greater good,” human rights workers/healers/social workers continue to deliver high impact work while silently suffering. It was a pivotal moment for me. If my needs weren't being heard, then things needed to change. I was giving away parts of myself to my jobs, my partners and my family for years…until, I finally paused. 

Forever wild. The house near my local bus stop had a front yard sign featuring these words and an illustration of a wild goose. I would read those words after a long work day and commute from the city to Staten Island and see it as a reminder. Deep within, I was a creative who yearned for freedom, space and a community that would support her wild spirit. Some days, the sign gave me hope that change would arrive soon. On other days, the sign reminded me of what I didn’t have and that broke my heart. But even a glimmer of hope was enough for me to make an important decision, and I didn’t need to ask for anyone’s counsel this time.“If not now, then when?” I asked myself over and over. A part of me was aware of my own impulsiveness and the shame that came along with it. I often made decisions without thinking rationally, but I secretly loved that part of myself. I included my heart and soul into my decision making process so there was a sense of knowing. I acted from a place of deep understanding, reflection and care. And here’s what I came up with: I intuitively knew that I couldn’t thrive in this work environment and partnership. I resigned in September 2016 and left my partner the following year. On my last day at work, I offered gratitude to my team for their love and support. A few days later, our country elected a new president. 

I visited LA for a few weeks and I felt alive again. Travel always brought me home to myself but it was more than that. From documenting student demonstrations at UCLA to visits to the Getty Museum and LACMA, I felt a sense of energy welling up deep within me. The arts, social justice spaces and communities rooted in values and ideals that were important to a creative, healer and activist like me served as important outlets. That December, I auditioned and was offered a role in the 2017 community theater production of Yoni ki Raat (Night of the Vagina). My life changed shortly after I joined the collective. But really, my life was filled with a series of choices to either let my heart remain closed or open. It was in the past three years, however, that I chose openness more than I ever did before. Through practice, ritual and chosen communities, I became aware of the wellspring of beautiful energy within me. It was a process, one filled with deep inquiries. How do you remain open during challenging times? How do you identify blockages and release them? What does it feel like to be open or closed? What does collective healing mean? In this edition of Homecoming of the Human Spirit and over the next few months, I will offer a few tools to help you as you navigate these questions in your own journey. 

Part I: Pursue Curiosity 

“If you want to set up the conditions to recognize your awakened nature, all you have to do is sit down, be still and upright, and stay awake to whatever is here. Whenever anything arises in awareness—whether a thought, feeling, or sense perception—don’t run after it. Don’t fight it or try to transform it either” (Blacker, “Everything is Buddhanature”). I maintain a daily meditation practice. I love listening to dharma talks. I've completed a ten day silent meditation (Goenka) retreat. I've undertaken the eight precepts (Buddhist training rules) and studied the suttas (Buddhist scriptures) with monastics while on a month-long residency at a Buddhist retreat center. I've attended multiple dharma talks and weekend retreats. These wonderful opportunities have allowed me to gain so much wisdom about my own nature and human nature as a whole. But despite all this training, the practice of sitting with my own thoughts, feelings and sensations is still challenging. 

We have a tendency to escape from what causes us unpleasant feelings - Netflix, alcohol, Instagram? Take your pick - and a desire to want more pleasant experiences. We push and pull to avoid drawing closer to our inner nature. But with time and patience, I began to truly watch what came up for me during sits. I get curious. First, I notice the physical sensations: the chronic tension in my upper back and shoulders, the numbness in my legs from sitting for too long and my shallow breathing. Then, I notice my thoughts. With my breath as my object of meditation, I shift my focus towards my in breath and out breath, slowly relaxing my body. And then, I watch. I watch what comes up for me. For many years, I didn’t trust my practice because I thought meditation was about silencing your thoughts. But that’s just not possible for someone like me, who has been battling chronic anxiety for years. I didn’t think I was “doing it right.” Under the guidance of wonderful teachers, I learned meditation is not about changing anything. It’s not about changing who you are or how you show up on that cushion. It’s about the present experience: the sights, smells, sensations, ideas, thoughts and feelings that truly make us human. With practice, you learn to create space for what comes up. You “rest back into the simplicity of just receiving what’s there,” as mindfulness-based psychotherapist, artist and teacher Cara Lai so eloquently describes in her guided meditation “Recognizing Self- Doubt" on the Liberate meditation app.*  With practice, you will discover that the present moment is not permanent, just as your existence is not permanent and the thoughts/experiences you hold on to are not permanent. 

The moment I begin to watch what comes up for me with love and compassion, my energy shifts. Rather than identify with my passing thoughts and feelings, I simply call it: "Here's anger, I see you. Thank you." Rather than bury the anger and pain, I create space for it, honor it and release it. Releasing is work. Being curious takes work. Sometimes, we resist because pain is all we know. The story of struggle is all I knew. It was the only way to cope with uncertainty. "I am angry. I am broke. I am feeling so low right now." The more I identified with that energy, the more closed I felt. I closed myself to love, to friends who wanted to support me and to my own creative power. I discovered my resistance to releasing pain when my Buddhism teacher advised me to relax my shoulders before sitting; I didn’t know how to relax. For years, I never paid attention to what my body needed. I just assumed my chronic tension was related to work-related stress. I would stretch, go to yoga classes or get massages to release the tightened knots in my body. But these modalities only brought temporary relief. Through sitting, I discovered my resistance to softening those painful spaces before meditating and I became curious. At 33, I managed to do something no amount of yoga, massages or exercise could do. Through my curiosity, I learned that the tension was a physical symptom of traumatic memories. It was historical. The moment I acknowledged its embodied presence was the moment the work began.

Jenn Pamela Chowdhury
Founder, Homecoming of the Human Spirit  



* (this is not a paid promotion) The Liberate meditation app, which is completely free and accessible, provides me so much daily wisdom through its guided meditations and dharma talks. I am so grateful for it and the safe and loving community its created for BIPOC meditators. Below, I've included an article about the story behind its founder, Julio Rivera, a wonderful friend and human being. Julio is fundraising to help keep the app free. Please consider donating here 
 

Referenced Cited

Blacker, Melissa M. “Everything is Buddhanature." Lion’s Roar, 28 Nov. 2018, https://www.lionsroar.com/everything-is-buddhanature/. Accessed 1 Aug. 2019. 

Singer, Michael A. The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself. New Harbinger Publications and Noetic Books, 2007.

Dream Work
Mary Oliver

Every morning
the world
is created. 
Under the orange 

sticks of the sun
the heaped
ashes of the night
turn into leaves again 

and fasten themselves to the high branches ---
and the ponds appear
like black cloth
on which are painted islands 

of summer lilies. 
If it is your nature
to be happy
you will swim away along the soft trails 

for hours, your imagination
alighting everywhere. 
And if your spirit
carries within it 

the thorn
that is heavier than lead ---
if it's all you can do
to keep on trudging --- 

there is still
somewhere deep within you
a beast shouting that the earth
is exactly what it wanted --- 

each pond with its blazing lilies
is a prayer heard and answered
lavishly, 
every morning, 

whether or not
you have ever dared to be happy, 
whether or not
you have ever dared to pray. 
This Founder Couldn’t Find a Space for People of Color To Meditate Together. So He Built His Own | Vanessa Taylor

“I kept hearing over and over stories of microaggressions occurring in white-predominant spaces such as the workplace. I also heard that this left people feeling completed isolated and feeling invisible,” Rivera said. “I’m an empath, so when I would listen to people share their stories, I would get off the phone sometimes in tears and/or full of rage. I really got present to the amount of suffering our community is facing on a daily basis and how necessary this app is right now."

Selection of the Month

I want to feel what I feel. What's mine. Even if it's not happiness, whatever that means. Because you're all you've got.

— Toni Morrison 

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