Morning, friends!
I had quite a to-do list sketched out for last weekend. Some social, some professional. And one of those big life to-do list items was on Sunday, when I cleared my morning and set aside several hours to work on my personal-professional website.
Instead, here's what happened: I spun myself into a completely chaotic, self doubt fueled shame spiral.
Lolz.
The whole thing was entirely predictable. I have been lately feeling like there are so many things I want to do. At times, this is a really fun and exciting feeling, like possibility and abundance! At other times, it is somewhat terrifying, because I know that I can't do all of it.
The other day, I was texting with a friend:
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When I sat down to try to consolidate my accomplishments with my current life and then all the future possible lives, it turned into a hot mess of a website. And then, the hosting site went down in the middle of it. Of course, I took the 503 error as a personal affront to my life choices, skill sets and entire future itself. It was a slippery slope from "I really need professional headshots" to, "Why is my face so dumb." Or, "I should try to consolidate my writing clips to highlight the strongest ones first" to, "I am a fraud and no one is ever going to hire me to write things."
So there I am...refreshing, trying to get the website to load and my dumb face and crappy, unimpressive portfolio to show up, when I realize I have to leave to meet my friends at Tryst. I book it for the 96 bus, otherwise known as the location where I would be slid against the window, wiping away my tears, trying to make myself invisible next.
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Fortunately, once I arrived my friends were incredible in that moment of negative self-talk. They gently, lovingly eased me out of my shame spiral. One chai latte and a broken dish later (toddlers are A++ at pulling you out of your head and back into real life), I was feeling so much better.
When I got home, I checked in. I said to myself, "What would serve you for tonight?" The answer was not to hurl myself back into the same task that had sent me into the shame spiral to begin with. It will have to wait. And that was that.
(By the way, I think that was a subtle form of intuition talking—something we are going to explore more in our upcoming retreat September 27-29! You should come! We still have space!)
Instead, I whipped up a batch of chocolate chip cookie dough for my office bake-off. And while the aroma of baked goodness filled the house, I read City of Girls. It was delightful. Here is the recipe. (Subs: I replaced vanilla extract with almond, and did not refrigerate overnight.)
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As it turned out, my website/future remains ~under construction~. But guess what! The cookies came out swell, and I won the office bake-off (and let me tell you, the competition was fierce)!
It was all the reminder I needed that a bit of surrender can yield sweet results. Or, in this case, a little sweet...and a little salty.
💖
Kelly
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Try this at home ✍
Go through your to-do list for this week. Pick the item that feels like it's going to suffocate you, and just....delete it.
Just...delete it!
Why not?
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Worth a read 📚
My friend Marc wrote up his experience taking train travel across the country and it's well-worth the read if this is a journey you'd ever like to take..and even if not. I appreciated also that it reminded me of this Edna St. Vincent Millay poem, Travel. // "Brain synchronisation enables seamless cooperation, and is necessary for creating both harmonic music and movement." A fascinating look at how dancer's brains develop, due to movement triggering a flow state that allows for a more intuitive neural network. // On the public health epidemic that is loneliness. // What a beautiful ode to sentences this is. |
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Retreat into your Intuition
Come on and join our upcoming yoga retreat in the beauty of Shenandoah, Virginia from September 27-29. We'll be doing guided meditations and journaling on tuning into all aspects of you—your mind, body, and heart—and I'll be teaching some gentle, lovely yoga. You'll walk away with a new sense of excitement and curiosity about yourself, and likely some new lady friends from the D.C. area. As an Om Weekly reader you'll get 15% off the listed rates. 💕 Deets are here. Let me know any questions. |
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Tunes 🎶
Ahhh a fresh playlist.
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