I’m trying to do this from 38,000 feet aboard Southwest flight #whoknows. I'm on my way home from Washington DC, where I spent the last five days trying to do work, see people, and sort through my mom’s stuff.
Here are a few things I need to write about later and/or discuss with my therapist:
Not recognizing the city I grew up in. There are entire “new” neighborhoods full of luxury condos and shrunken mini-McMansions plunked down on faux cobblestone CUL DE SACS in the middle of Northeast?? For five days it was nonstop “what the hell is that,” and “Jesus fuck are you kidding me?” I got lost. I had trouble figuring out the machines to buy a subway card. I was one of those tourists I grew up making fun of.
My cousin yelling “MOVE, WHORE!” repeatedly at the driver trying to cut us off. I know he “started it” by honking but she finished it and somehow no one was murdered?
Going through my mother’s things and finding old birthday, Mother’s Day, and Christmas gifts I’d given her. With the tags still on.
Picking up my niece and nephew at school. One of the other four-year-old girls said to me, “Are you the grandma?”
Meeting up with two of my oldest friends. One of whom I will call Dan. He’s adopted, and has been piecing together his birth family tree with all those 23-and-me/ancestry sites. He has been able to trace his mother’s ancestry back to one of the families that settled a small town in New England in the 1630s.
Which happens to be the same town my grandmother’s ancestors also settled in the 1630s.
(In this case, "settled" means setting up shop after the Indians had died from smallpox. As opposed to more immediate hands-on mass murder.)
Anyway, Dan asked me for my grandmother’s maiden name. Then plugged it into whatever website he’s using for his research and, in his words: “Bingo.”
And that's how I found out I'm related to my high school prom date.
On fate
Last week I asked if you believed in fate or if it was a crock of shit, or something like that. A few responses:
"I dislike the idea of fate, because I really want to believe that our choices and actions matter, and that our outcomes are not just predetermined. I am a big proponent though in trying to find meaning in whatever happens, good or bad - in the sense of 'what can I learn from this?' and trying to find a silver lining."
"I recently started a relationship with a person I very honestly would never have imagined. We have existed in distant constellations for many years, and a random party got us actually conversing. Long story short, we gelled. The hosts of the party, among others, refer to the timing, etc., as fate, but I don't see it that way at all. I see it as a culmination of hard work: learning, acceptance, both self and of others, prioritization, and most of all choosing to be available. All of these things made two people, who under previous circumstances would not, relate. I don't believe in fate; I believe in pointing yourself in a direction and having the guts to try to achieve something, and maybe fail."
Good stuff
For next week
I facilitated an online workshop last night about how to overcome our inner critics. You know, those voices in our heads that tell us we suck, aren't good enough, aren't smart enough, etc. Apparently we can have up to 10 different ones. The presenter had us do an exercise where we wrote down descriptions of one of our inner critics. Like, what are they saying? What is their tone? How do they make us feel? And then: Which pop culture person does your inner critic most remind you of? The point of this exercise is to name your negative thoughts so that next time they show up you can sort of externalize them, like, “Tell your mom to STFU because you got this.”
Play along with me here. Using this model, who would your inner critics most likely resemble? And what would they tell you? If it makes you feel better, mine is JUDGE JUDY yelling at me for being stupid and incompetent.
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