TechLoaf

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 11 2019

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Worst employee most responsive

Aiden Jesperson, what are we going to do with you? You have got to be the worst employee we've ever had, and yet you're always there, ready to pick up the phone or posting links to police scanner Twitter accounts in the #random channel. You're terrible. But you're always locked, loaded, and ready to go.

Remember last week when you had 537 open tickets, some dating back to the Obama years? When I called to ask what the heck you do all day, you picked up after one ring. Sure, I don't buy your story that you have Lyme disease after suffering a white-tailed deer bite, but gosh darn it you had it prepared and ready to go.

Or what about that time you forgot the difference between DROP TABLE and DELETE TABLE? Boy, we lost 18 months worth of customer acquisition data and when I called you into Conference Room Snuffleupagus to fire you, you were already there in the room with a 14-slide deck prepared about how it wasn't your fault. I had to admire it.

If just showing up is half the battle, you're Napoleon Bonaparte, only instead of losing 400,000 men marching into Russia you lost us dozens of customer accounts for your delays in implementation.

But hey, you're alright in my book as long as you don't take FMLA.

NEWS IN PHOTOS

‘Customer-centric’ company rethinks approach after interaction with customer

Google Home, Amazon Alexa no match for Red Lobster Pesca

If data is the new oil, what do I do with the 3 drums of crude oil I buried in my uncle’s backyard?

QA Engineer’s LinkedIn profile makes career in QA look intentional

CARL TO ACTION: THE DL ON THE DL

My loyal Loaf-heads and crumb-junkies,

When I first started The Loaf, I had nothing but the clothes on my back, a can-do attitude, and a $7.32 million inheritance from my long lost uncle.

For years, I toiled away in obscurity, dreaming of one day destroying the burning trash inferno that is TechCrunch and finally offering Silicon Valley a truly fresh “slice” of news.

Fast forward many decades and I’ve built a media empire that makes Rupert Murdoch look like a busboy at the Myrtle Beach Days Inn.

Now that I’ve achieved my wildest dreams, I’ve found myself wanting to give back to those young media moguls yet to build empires of their own...

So it brought me great joy last week when I caught wind of a loyal TechLoaf reader who had launched their own Newsletter-as-a-Service endeavor…

Indeed, when this reader told me his plans to start a newsletter that would disrupt the traditionally terrible reporting around the venture capital industry, I immediately liquidated one of my Miami beach homes and 3 jet skis to invest $4.2 million into the seed round.

And today I am pleased to share it with you...

My dearest gluten-fans and crouton-worshippers, I present you the latest must-read weekly email: The DL.

Every half fortnight, the DL shares some hot takes on the venture industry from an insider (and loyal Loaf-head), specifically focused on the Pacific Northwest, home of my racquetball partners Bill (Gates) and Jeff (Bezos).

For example, they ran a beautiful play-by-play on the raging dumpster fire that is (was?) the WeWork IPO: what’s happening at WeWork?

So, dear reader, if you’re into that sort of thing, you can check it out here: The DL.

Otherwise, hit “reply” and let me know what YOU are working on. If it’s interesting and does not involve the words “blockchain” or “CBD” then perhaps you may find yourself in an upcoming Loaf.

Yours truly as always,
Carl “John D. Rockefeller” Cantana
Founder, Chairman, CEO
TechLoaf International Holdings, Inc.

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