GriefPerspectives | Caring for Widowers

Marvin is a 74-year old man whose wife died three months ago after 52 years of marriage. Within eight weeks, he showed few visible signs of grieving; his daughter even reported to their family’s minister that she was pretty sure, “Either this hasn’t really hit him yet or he’s just denying it and trying to pretend it didn’t happen.”

When Rev. Abercrombie visited with Marvin, the widower spoke openly about his wife and teared-up two or three times during their conversation. He told the pastor, “I’m glad I have some things to keep me busy.” Marvin works as a greeter at Walmart three mornings each week and has lunch at the senior center at least three or four days every week. His men’s Bible study group at church—which includes two other widowed men and seven married men all about Marvin’s age—meet for breakfast every Wednesday in addition to their regular Sunday group meetings. Marvin told his pastor he’s grateful that these men ask how he’s doing but that, “Thankfully, they don’t always bring up Delores.” Though he doesn’t care to cook for himself, he says he has a pretty good appetite and sleeps well most nights.

Shortly after Delores died, Marvin started making plans to create a “memorial garden” in their backyard. He found a quiet corner and began digging out the grass that was there. He bought stone and began building a planter with the help of Bob, one of his widowed friends from the Bible study group who is a retired stone mason. He says he works in that garden at least two or three mornings each week and loves sitting out there in the evenings because it helps him feel close to Delores.

Like many widowed men (and grievers of other types, as well!), family members and friends wonder if Marvin is “coping” appropriately because he doesn’t match the expectations these people hold of how a widowed man should behave. Like his daughter, some would even question whether the full impact of the loss has “hit him” or if perhaps, he is living in some state of “denial.” Of course, the question about “the full impact” of the loss is a bit misleading because it would likely be true that the full impact has not hit him. Grief is a process of ongoing discovery and coping, and Marvin will likely discover some new “wrinkle” on the grief process five years and even ten years from now.

Marvin’s case provides important instruction to caregiving professionals and volunteers, as well as to family members and friends. His choices to get involved (or resume involvement) in practical activities (such as work, church and gardening) indicate his grieving style leans toward what Doka & Martin (2010) refer to as “instrumental” grief. These bereaved individuals tend to express their loss more through activities than through talking or the overt expression of emotion. Frequently, they invest significant energy in adaptive tasks, such as planting a memorial garden or starting a nonprofit organization to combat the disease that ended their loved one’s life.

You can learn more about this perspective in a brief interview between Dr. Doka and Dr. Gloria Horsley here.

A clinical caregiver would always want to assess for clinical depression at this point in grief, especially if there is reason to think the client is not coping well. However, Marvin does not appear to meet the diagnostic criteria for depression; he reports that he eats and sleeps well, is clearly involved in pursuits that he enjoys, and does not seem to be bothered in an unusual way by bouts of sadness. If his daughter had reported or the clinician had observed significant irritability in Marvin, one would have been advised to dig more deeply into the possibility for depression since this symptom might be more present than sadness in a depressed older man (Hart, 2001).

So what does Marvin need? Probably, he needs nothing in addition to the support he already has. His pastor would want to follow up again and offer an invitation for Marvin to check in whenever he feels the need. All caregivers would be wise to celebrate the support system he has already developed and suggest continued involvement in the activities from which he seems to derive pleasure and meaning. And if in a position to do so, a caregiver should attempt to engage Marvin’s daughter in further conversation about her own experiences with her mother’s death, since her concerns about her dad might be indicating her own struggles with the loss and the reality they may be coping in very different ways with Delores’ death.

References.
Doka, K.J. & Martin, T.L. (2010) Grieving beyond gender: Understanding the ways men and women mourn. New York: Routledge.

Hart, A.D. (2001). Unmasking male depression. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson.

The Author.
For more than three decades, William G. Hoy has been counseling with the bereaved, supporting the dying and their families, and teaching colleagues how to provide effective care. After a career in congregation, hospice, and educational resource practice, he now holds a full-time teaching appointment as Clinical Professor of Medical Humanities at Baylor University in Waco, Texas where he has taught since 2012. His most recent book is Bereavement Groups and the Role of Social Support: Bridging Theory, Research, and Practice (Routledge, 2016).

Gilbert, Allison. (2016). Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive. Berkeley, CA: Seal Press.

This little book offers 84 practical ideas on how to creatively commemorate our deceased loved ones. Every suggestion is described briefly in 2-3 pages. Ideas range from repurposing items that have meaning, using technology in grief, and commemorating the ordinary days as well as the holidays. Some of the ideas are as simple as displaying postcards or letters from your loved one or making a pillow out of your loved one’s favorite shirt.

This book serves well as a quick go-to guide for inspiration and a source of comfort as we find ourselves missing our loved ones. and a powerful tool – if we use it – not focused on “sadness and grieving,” as Allison says, but on “happiness and remembering” (xxii).

Your Professional Library

Research that Matters

Skulason, B., Jonsdottar, L.S., Siggordottir, V. & Helgasson, A.R. (2012). Assessing survival in widowers, and controls—A nationwide, six to nine-year follow-up. BMC Public Health, 12. Accessed from http://www.biomedcentral.com/1471-2458/12/96.

Over the last three decades, researchers have labored to understand if widowed men are at a greater risk of dying quickly following the deaths of their mates (Kaprio, Koskenvuo & Rita, 1987; Mellstrom, et.al., 1982; Stroebe & Stroebe, 1983). Results have been mixed but have generally pointed in the direction of increased mortality in the early years of widowhood. The present study is unique, however, in that it purposed to study 100% of individuals in the appropriate class on a national scale.

Iceland is a relatively small North Atlantic island nation with a current population of about 318,000. Because the government agency, Statistics Iceland conducts an annual census and provides unparalleled access to mortality data matched to personal identification numbers, researchers can use this deep demographic pool to follow groups of individuals and track their mortality. The researchers explained their study this way: “The original study base of widowers included all 357 Icelandic widowers born in 1924-1969 who had lost their wives during the years 1999-2001 and were alive and living in Iceland on December 31st, 2001. At the time of selection, 14 widowers had already died but they were included in the survival analysis comparing widowers with the general population” (p. 2).

Since researchers in Iceland have unusual access to data, they were able to match the widowed group to a control group of non-widowed men, matching the subjects by age, years married, place of residence, education, occupation, and whether or not the subject had children. They then looked at how many widowers were alive on December 31, 2007 and eventually expanded the study to include those still surviving three years later.

What the researchers discovered was a statistically significant indication that widowed men die sooner than their non-widowed counterparts. By the end of the study period, 17.3% of widowers had died while only 8% of the men in the control group had died. Causes of death between the widowed men and the control group who had died were similar, which, for example, rules out a higher rate of suicide among widowed men. This study differs from others in that it examined 100% of population subjects who met the study criteria, largely eliminating the risk of sample bias.

What still escapes researchers, however, is the role that lifestyle choices may have for earlier mortality. One hypothesis is that both partners in a married couple eat the same diet, allowing unhealthy nutrition choices to negatively impact mortality since an unhealthy diet contributes to earlier deaths from cancer and cardiovascular disease. And, of course the great, unanswered question is how the mental and emotional strain of one’s wife’s death might contribute to a widower’s early death.

References.
Kaprio, J., Koskenvuo, M., & Rita, H (1987). Mortality after bereavement: A prospective study of 95,647 widowed persons. American Journal of Public Health, 77, 283-287.

Mellström, D., Nilsson, Å., Odén, .A, Rundgren, Å., & Svanborg, A. (1982). Mortality among the widowed in Sweden. Scandinavian Journal of Social Medicine, 10, 33-41.

Stroebe, M.S & Stroebe, W. (1983). Who suffers more? Sex differences in health risks of the widowed. Psychological Bulletin, 93, 279-301.