"Why not be the person who sparks the best in someone else? - Susan Fowler

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Tiffany Haddish is rich and famous. The actress and comedienne broke out in the popular movie Girls Trip, hosts ABC’s Kids Say the Darndest Things, and co-starred with Kevin Hart in Nobody’s Fool.

Tiffany’s story is fascinating. She gives insight into a mystery I need solved before I die (seriously): Why is it that two people who share life experiences internalize them so differently—one as despair and victimization; the other as fuel for meeting challenges and overcoming the odds? For example, why do two siblings growing up in the same abusive household take such divergent paths—one turns to drugs, abuse of others, or a life of crime, and the other turns to comedy, art, or charity work to help others cope with abusive circumstances?

Tons of research report on the characteristics of those who seek to better their circumstances. For example, they are likely to be proactive, demonstrate a high locus of control, or have a high locus of causality (three different measures). People who thrive under dire conditions think and frame the world differently than those who don’t. Much of my work draws on this research to help people shift their motivational outlook so they can thrive despite their environment.

But I keep coming back to this question: What sparks divergent paths in the first place?

Science hasn’t provided a definitive answer, but Tiffany Haddish’s story might provide one clue. After a tragic car accident rendered her mother incapable of taking care of 12-year old Tiffany and her younger siblings, the kids were separated and put into foster care. Tiffany would spend her teens being yanked without warning from one home to another—her belongings tossed into a trash bag for each move. Despite—or because of—her traumatic experiences, Tiffany made herself a promise. In a recent People magazine article Tiffany shared: “If I ever get power, I’m going to do something to make sure nobody else feels this way.” In 2017, Tiffany founded the She Ready Foundation to provide suitcases to foster kids on the move. She describes how, at 18 years old, she received an old Samsonite suitcase from her grandmother. “I felt like the most important person ever. Trash bags make kids feel like trash. Suitcases make them feel like travelers.”

Tiffany’s story points to one potential answer about why we take divergent paths—the serendipity of another person’s actions. Maybe someone sparks the connection required for us to make a choice and gain the competence that leads us to take the higher path—and thrive. Tiffany’s grandmother gave her more than a suitcase. She gave Tiffany the gift of choice, connection, and competence. I’ve focused my work on teaching leaders and individuals how to proactively shift from a lower to a higher path. Tiffany’s experience, though, points to how someone else can serendipitously help us create the choice, connection, and competence required for us to experience the optimal motivation required for thriving. Optimal motivation results in resilience. Grit. Psychological safety. Well-being. Positive and sustainable energy.

Tiffany’s story inspires me. I hope it might inspire you, too. What if we could be the person who by virtue of the way we live our life, helps create the choice, connection, and competence someone needs for taking the first step on the higher path? I ask you, why not be that person who sparks the best in someone else?

Upcoming Event: University of San Diego

Nice to be able to give back to the university where I’ve taught in the Master of Science in Executive Leadership program for 20 years! If you are in the San Diego area, I hope you’ll join us for this wonderful event.