GriefPerspectives | Making Space for Gratitude

Nearly everyone appreciates gratitude; we bristle at an entitled child or young adult who seems to think his parent owes him something more than he has received and pouts at the alleged deficiency. Our own smile brightens when a person looks directly into our eyes and says, “Thank you for…” and then names a specific trait we have exhibited or action we have performed. There are few things as sweet as receiving a handwritten (not emailed!) thank you note in a real, honest-to-goodness hand addressed envelope with a colorful postage stamp in the corner. You might put those envelopes aside to open only after you have sorted through the bills and the junk mail because these heartfelt notes always get a special place in the reading of our mail.

In their veritable tome on character development, psychologists Christopher Peterson and Martin Seligman (2004) offer a culturally consensual definition of gratitude: “a sense of thankfulness and joy in response to receiving a gift, whether the gift be a tangible benefit from a specific other or a moment of peaceful bliss evoked by natural beauty” (p. 554). They go on to write, “Prototypically, gratitude stems from the perception that one has benefited due to the actions of another person. There is an acknowledgement that one has received a gift and an appreciation of a recognition of the value of that gift” (p. 554).

Gratitude makes these authors’ list of 24 human character traits because it is so widely appreciated across cultures and historical eras. The classical writers (such as Cicero) praised it as a virtue and it is widely honored as a “highly prized human disposition in Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, and Hindu thought” (Peterson & Seligman, 2004, p. 555). Moreover, the authors posit, research into the benefits of expressing gratitude have linked the presence of this quality in a person to increased levels of contentment, happiness, and hope (p. 558), a point not difficult to appreciate for anyone who has felt the sense of personal peace that accompanies saying a heartfelt “thank you” to someone else for a benefit received.

One study quantified a possible fringe benefit to gratitude for the one expressing it: those who kept gratitude journals on a weekly basis exercised more, reported fewer physical symptoms than their matched controls, felt an overall sense of well-being in their lives, and expressed more optimism (Emmons & Crumpler, 2000).

As Debbie and I approach the third anniversary (in February) of the car wreck that took the life of our friend, shortened her husband’s life, and caused the orthopedic and cognitive deficits with which I now contend daily, we have faced anew the opportunity to discover what it means to be grateful. In the early aftermath—certainly before we had begun to appreciate the long-term effects of the injuries—we began responding to friends inquiring about my well-being with words like, “We are extraordinarily grateful and we are learning to do the difficult work of integrating this experience into our lives.” It seems that loss often (usually?) requires both pieces.

As every reader of this newsletter knows, loss and grief are far more about integrating the experience into the rest of their lives than it is finding any real sense of “closure” or “recovery,” concepts that I find elusive at best and at their worst, downright cruel to even propose. In loss, we literally build a bridge between the life as we formerly knew it to the life that is going to be in the future, a life that does not include the persons, experiences, and treasures we have “lost.” As much as we appreciate memories of the past and we honor their presence in our lives, the memories we have of a loved one are a poor substitute for that person’s physical presence with us; that is the substance of grief. This is what so many of us mean when we talk of finding a “new normal” in loss.

But perhaps laying over all of that like a warm blanket on a cold, rainy afternoon, is our ability to experience—and then thoughtfully express—gratitude. So during the “harvest season” when it is culturally expected to express gratitude, take a few minutes to jot a note to a mentor, a friend, or a family member whose life, character, and teaching have been particularly meaningful to you. Buy a package of “thank you” note cards and write one per day over the next week to the people who have been important in your life. Use your very own pen to hand-address each one. Affix a real postage stamp to the letters and drop them in the mailbox, creating for youself a “rite of gratitude.” Then know that you have brightened the day of more than a half dozen people. You will feel better and you will have made the world a little brighter place, as well.

References.

Emmons, R.A. & Crumpler, C.A. (2000). Gratitude as human strength: Appraising the evidence. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 19, 56-69.

Peterson, C. & Seligman M.E.P. (2004). Character strengths and virtues: A handbook and classification. New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

The Author: For more than three decades, William G. Hoy has been counseling with the bereaved, supporting the dying and their families, and teaching colleagues how to provide effective care. After a career in congregation, hospice, and educational resource practice, he now holds a full-time teaching appointment as Clinical Professor of Medical Humanities at Baylor University in Waco, Texas.

Making Space for Gratitude

by William G. Hoy